Gucci

I love big sunglasses. You know the ones I mean. The REALLY big ones...preferably with a bit of fade-out in the lens. In fact, I love them so much that I recently spent a minor fortune on a pair of Gucci sunglasses that I consider to be one of my most worthwhile investments. That's them, in the picture. Go on...salivate. But I know that big sunglasses come with a certain stigma. Eyes roll, snarky comments are made. That is why I have compiled a small list of my favorite things about big sunglasses.

1. They allow me to judge you anonymously. I can stare at your appalling choice in footwear, make faces at your parenting skills (or definitive lack thereof), show my annoyance at the fact that you absolutely refuse to shower, and you'll never know. For all you know, I'm looking straight ahead, minding my own business. But I'm not. I'm judging you.

2. It makes it evident, if it wasn't already so, that I am stylistically superior. I find that a well-placed pair of expensive sunglasses can make even the most mundane outfit stand out. Yes, my sunglasses make me better than you. In turn, I tip my hat to those wearing cooler sunglasses than mine. And really, why eliminate this social hierarchy? Everyone feels more secure this way.

3. I am able to look completely put together without putting on any makeup. Now, to be honest, I have not mastered the art of wearing my sunglasses indoors...I just feel silly. But while I'm outside, makeupless, I still feel sufficiently done up.

4. It's easy to avoid eye contact. Without being able to see my eyes, I can very easily pretend I didn't see someone walking across the street, and I can continue on my journey without having to pause for an awkward conversation with that same someone I have been avoiding.

5. The eyes are the windows to the soul. My soul sometimes likes its privacy, thanks!

Pickles

If you know me, then you might have caught onto the fact that I have a teeeeensy bit of a potty mouth. If you don't know me, and you're just internet stalking me, kudos to you. If you don't already have it, I'll be happy to give you my address so you can leave me gifts on my doorstep. Note to you: I need a new tote, and I'm always happy to receive anonymous gifts from Tiffany's.

I digress. Recently I've realized that maybe I swear TOO much. Let's be honest, it's just not ladylike. And more importantly, I think it's lost its power. For instance, when I say "fuck," no one really flinches. If, say, my grandmother were to say "fuck off," I'm pretty sure she'd get some attention. Why? Because she NEVER tells people to fuck off, whereas I tell people to fuck off almost every day. Lovingly, mind you...lovingly. But it's not fair that my fuck has no power, and my grandmother's fuck has a LOT of power. I want to reclaim the power of my fuck.

Also, there's nothing interesting about a word if one says it all the time. And if there's one thing I don't like, it's the idea of not being interesting. So in the name of being interesting, here's what I propose: I will not swear for one week. Not at all. No damn, hell, shit, fuck...none of it. If I do swear, the week re-starts, until I last a week. At the end of that week (which may very well be sometime in the year 2019), I will get myself a fun little present. Yay me.

Now here's what I need from you.

1. If you're lucky enough to enjoy the presence of my company, please keep on me about the swearing. If you hear me swear, you can smack me. Gently. A love tap, really.
2. Let's discuss some "gray area" words. Like balls. That's not a swear word, but it's definitely inappropriate. Or dick. Is that a swear word, in your book?
3. I need to have a ready repertoire of replacement words, because I constantly have the need to have some form of mild outburst, and I need a lexicon for such instances. I'd like to try bring back "bonkers," as in "That is bonkers!" instead of "That is bullshit!" Or perhaps "poppycock." Also, "pickles" seems to be an acceptable substitute for "fuck."
Person A: I'm going to go to Payless and buy that pair of shoes.
Sara: What the pickles is wrong with you?!?

You see what I'm saying.

Ok...go.