There Was a Star Danced...

Resolutions

2012-01-13T08:56:00.004-05:00

It's a brand new year, everyone! Well, to be honest, it's been a brand new year for awhile now. I just tend to take my time with things. In any case, I'm pretty sure it's going to be an awesome one...I got to spend New Year's Eve with some of my very favorite people in the world in my very favorite place in the world. Also I'm getting married in 78 days, not that anyone is counting or anything. And I'm going to New Orleans next month!

So people always talk about New Year's resolutions, and for the most part, people don't really seem to have any, although the gym is suddenly bursting at the seams with people, which I hate. It's okay, I give them until March. I also didn't really go for the whole resolutions thing, until I realized how boring that was. I have decided, instead, to make a LOT of resolutions. Like too many. That's way more interesting. And obviously you want to know what they are, right?

1. No more pants.
You know that I have a very lax pants policy, right? I just don't like them. I therefore resolve to wear dresses all the time, even more than I do now.

2. Punctuation
I sometimes read over the emails I send to people and realize that I use WAY too many exclamation points. It kind of makes me seem like a tool. I resolve to use only two strategically placed exclamation points per email. I will not, however, give up my use of ellipses or smiley faces, because let's just be reasonable.

3. Thriller
Every time I hear that song, I start to think that I know the dance, but the truth is that I don't. I know little bits of it, but if a flash mob ever pops up next to me using Thriller, I'm going to be out of luck. So I resolve to learn the Thriller dance in its entirety in 2012.

4. Coffee
I hate coffee. I hate people with coffee breath (well I mean I don't hate the people, just that stale coffee smell). But I so SO love the idea of being able to say things like, "Oh, I know, let's just meet for coffee!" Or "You know how it is, can't start my day without my coffee," and being able to walk around with a quirky little travel mug and have it warm up my insides. I've almost found a way around this, because I love chai tea. However, unless I get it from Starbucks or make it myself at home, it's usually packed with sugar and crap. But I should learn to at least tolerate some kind of coffee-related warm beverage.

5. Kisses
I already spend way too much time every morning kissing this dog's face, but I resolve to kiss it even MORE.

6. Cordy
Andy and I want a Great Dane. Don't tell our parents. They will say things like, "Do you realize how big a Great Dane is? Do you know how much it will eat?" Yes we do. Very big. And it will eat a lot. But they're awesome, and Duncan needs a gigantic new baby best friend.

7. Happy
See that photo up there? That person makes me happier than anything in the world, so my super important resolution is try to make the people in my life even half as happy as he makes me.

xoxo

Names

2011-12-20T08:20:00.003-05:00

I'm getting married! Fairly soon, actually...in about three and a half months. My fiance wrote a fun blog post about getting engaged, which you can read if you click HERE. I'm excited about a whole lot of things, including the actual wedding in Mexico, the honeymoon in Greece, getting to wear a giant diamond wedding band on a regular basis, saying things like, "Oh, let me talk to my husband about that," when people ask me questions that I could easily answer on my own, and reaping all of these great tax benefits that I hear married people gloat about. I don't know much about taxes, but I do like to gloat.

One thing that I still think is just plain weird though, is the fact that after 30 years of having my own name, it's just going to change to a new name. I mean, that's WEIRD, right? It would be like waking up tomorrow with a new face. It's a giant change, and I feel like people kind of ignore it. Now, I'm not complaining, and I know that I don't HAVE to change my name. But I want to...I think it's one of those things that will make us closer, and more like a family. However, that doesn't take away from the fact that it's just freaking bizarre.

Luckily, I like Andy's last name. It's going to make me Sara Shaw, which I think sounds a lot like a lead character in a crime novel, or a plucky investigative journalist at a flailing newspaper who always drives the editor crazy but manages to get the scoop...and the man.

There ARE some last names, though, that might make me reconsider changing mine:

Anything that starts with the letter Z: In elementary school, as I recall, they almost always had you line up alphabetically by last name. I remember shaking my head with pity for those poor souls at the end of the line. I might have also been shaking my head in disbelief that my mother gave me that ridiculous bowl cut and perm. Seriously.

Gross: I'm sorry, truly sorry, if this offends anyone who has the last name Gross. But I just couldn't do it. "Hi, Mrs. Gross here, just calling about the brownie sale." Who would trust Mrs. Gross with baked goods??

Popp: I got an e-mail at work from someone with this last name, and no matter how many times I read it, it still looks like Poop to me.

There are also some last names that kind of make me want to talk Andy into having us both change our names and start from scratch:

Danger: Obviously. "Help, get me off of these train tracks! Oh, Sara Danger has arrived, thank goodness!" Or, "Excuse me, Mrs. Danger, but would you please pass those explosives?"

Darling: Even though Wendy from Peter Pan was a serious bitch, I was always jealous of her last name. Also her perfect curls. But mostly her last name. I just think it would be adorable to say things like, "Oh, Sara Darling calling, darling." I would also want to hang lots of signs in the house that said things like "A Darling Family Lives Here" or send out baby announcements that said, "Welcoming a new little Darling!"

Anything that starts with the letter O followed by an apostrophe: You know, O'Brien, O'Henry, O'Donnell. My name has never had extra punctuation, and I would like that.

xoxo

P.S. One of my students brought me that ornament for Christmas. How sweet is that?

Baking

2011-12-06T11:27:00.004-05:00

I'm going to open by letting you all know that after this sentence I plan to entirely ignore the fact that I have not blogged in literally months. I encourage you to do the same.

I've been balls to the wall vegan for about 8 months now, and I can honestly say it's one of the best decisions I've ever made. I'm sure it helps that my fiance is also vegan, so we get to do stuff together--like complain about the lack of vegan-friendly restaurants in the area, and then be inappropriately ecstatic when we get to go to Candle Cafe in New York City. Or we get to make fun vegan dishes to bring to our families at holidays, try to pass them off as non-vegan dishes, and then yell "GOTCHA!" as soon as someone takes a bite.

Perhaps it's because it's the holiday season, or perhaps it's because I never do anything without turning it into some kind of obsession, I've embarked on a vegan baking extravaganza over the past few weeks. I'm determined to bake up the most amazing delicacies, force people to eat them and then marvel over the fact that they're vegan, and then go back to my kitchen to bake some more. But what astonishes me time and time again is how actually fantastic everything tastes--way better than most non-vegan stuff I've eaten. Stay tuned, because I'm considering starting a baking blog to chronicle my trials and tribulations of vegan cooking. Because fun fact: I'm not a good cook. I'm an expert baker, but cooking is just not my thing. In the oven: A-okay. Out of the oven: WTF.

I just thought I'd share some of my favorite things that I've made over the past few month, followed by an encouraging message about the vegan lifestyle, and finished with an invitation to join me!

Marbled Cocoa Banana Bread--seriously, this is incredible. Also it looks super duper fancy. And it's low fat, low calorie, and just very pretty to look at.

Chocolate Chip Cookies--so I use applesauce in place of oil, and it makes them really moist and chewy. Andy's biggest woe in eating vegan has been the lack of acceptable cookies, so I try to have these around as much as possible.

Apple Cinammon Muffins--they don't sound very exciting, until you take a bite and little apple chunks burst in your mouth. I, for one, almost always like things bursting in my mouth.

Mac and Cheese--it doesn't sound vegan, but it sure is. This is one of the things we like to trick people with.

Sweet Potato Biscuits--they're like normal biscuits except they are made with sweet potatoes. Mmmmmmm. I don't like potatoes that much, but I DO like sweet potatoes!

Risotto--okay, this is one of those things that I made stovetop, and it was SUPER TRICKY. But it's made with barley, and I think that's where the trickiness came in. I evidently had to cook it for like two and a half hours. Who knew?

Forty Clove Broccoli Chickpeas--Amazing. Seriously. Even Andy, who despises broccoli, said, "...that is not nearly as bad as I was expecting it to be."

So. Vegan lifestyle? Awesome. It's fun to learn new things, to cook new things, and to know that no one is suffering while you're doing it. If you feel like you'd like to give it a whirl, come talk to me!

xoxo

Harry

2011-07-20T19:58:00.004-04:00

So, it's officially over. My love affair with Harry Potter has finally come to an end. And while reading the 7th book was incredibly more traumatic (cut to Andrea and I, dressed up as HP Prom Queens, armed with snacks, curled up in my living room at 4:00 a.m., determined to not sleep or leave the house until we finished it, trying to read at the same exact pace, and occasionally gasping/sobbing) this was the END. I mean, the real end. And since SOMEONE refuses to interview me about this landmark event, I have decided to interview myself. I found myself to be an excellent source, quite willing to extrapolate on my Harry-related views and opinions, and easy to get along with.

Sara: Sara, I won't even ask you feel about this series of movies ending, because it's obvious that you are a combination of heartbroken and excited...it's written all over your face. I will, however, ask you how long you've been involved with Harry?
Sara: Thanks for asking. Contrary to popular belief, I wasn't a Harryite from the beginning. I didn't start reading the books until 2005, after the 6th book was finished. Sometimes I like to resist popular phenoms simply for the sake of resisting them. Like LOST. Also Lord of the Rings. But I finally had to find out what all this hoopla was about. And once I started...oh, heavens, I was in it. Like deep in it. Like Scrooge McDuck in his giant money room.

Sara: Wow, I wouldn't have guessed! So, do you have a favorite character? And, if I might ask, what would your patronus be?
Sara: Funny, the newspaper asked me that in 2007, when we were waiting outside of Borders for the midnight release of the book. That particular news source was very interested in my opinions. I can't say I have a favorite character...I can't even pick a favorite color. I love them all for different reasons. Except Dolores Umbridge. I do not love her in the slightest. And I think my patronus would be a fish. A really cool fish.

Sara: A fish! How fun. Let's talk about the books versus the movies. Some people have a hard time enjoying both. What's your take?
Sara: I think the books and the movies have to be accepted as two completely separate entities, not to be compared to one another. If you try to compare them, you're just going to be let down, because they're different art forms. But the movies have been great, and even though I thought the last one glossed over some important plot points, I still thought it was fantastic. I should mention here that I also just loved GOING to the last movie. There were hundreds of dressed up people, and I like dressed up people way more than regular people.

Sara: One last question, if you don't mind. Now that it's all over, how do you plan to keep your Harry love alive?
Sara: Well, I'm planning to go to the Harry Potter exhibit in NYC over my birthday. And soon I'll start the re-reading of the entire series process. I'll probably also read the books to my future children, once they get here...until then, I'll read them to my puppy.

Duncan

2011-06-13T14:13:00.005-04:00

Duncan the Puppy has been here for about a month. Puppies, in case you were wondering, completely turn your life upside down. Also, they pee about 459 times a day. They also somehow make you love them more fiercely than you can imagine almost immediately. But he's great. He's smart, fairly chill for a 15 week old puppy, and the cutest freaking thing you're ever going to meet. Please see the car ride photo shoot that I'm posting as evidence.

But a month is long enough to really start to get to know someone, especially when you spend every free moment you have with that someone, mostly cuddling or being attacked. It's definitely long enough to find out most of that someone's likes and dislikes.

Duncan Loves:

1. Kisses. He is great at kisses, especially when you pick him up. Which leads to...

2. Being held. He thinks it's the best.

3. Dancing. Amazing dancer.

4. Playing. Duncan is awesome at playing, and also at pulling out toys. He can play with or without you, with other dogs, or by himself. He should get some kind of award for playing.

5. Peeing. Seriously, this dog pees more than I have EVER seen a dog pee. It's basically constant. Luckily it happens outside about 80% of the time, which isn't terrible.

6. Going for walks.

7. Coming home from walks. For as much as he loves walking, as soon as we turn to head home, he gets super excited and runs straight to the door.

8. Treats. Obviously. Treats are the best.

9. Everyone. Are you a person? Duncan loves you and wants to play with you.

10. Chasing butterflies at the park. This is actually so cute that it's a little bit ridiculous.

11. Jumping. Jumping off of couches, jumping onto couches, jumping after toys, jumping down stairs...if it's jumping, it's awesome.

12. Naps. Naps rule, and should be taken often.

13. Apples and carrots. He sometimes appreciates a healthy snack.

14. Socks. He doesn't know what to do with them, he just holds them in his mouth. But you'd better believe that he thinks they're fantastic.

15. Cuddles. This includes, but is not limited to, belly rubs, nose nuzzles, ear scratches, etc.

16. Sitting. He's really proud that he knows how to sit. He also loves to lie down and roll over.

17. Tumbling. Falling down in general.

18. The vet's office. It's very exciting and clean. They also seem to love cuddles, so it's a win/win.

19. Car rides. Duncan has recently gotten big enough to jump into the car on his own, so car rides are especially exciting.

20. Going to bed at night.

21. Waking up. So much fun.

22. Water...it's hilarious, evidently.

23. Other dogs. Even the ones who don't particularly appreciate a puppy pouncing on them.

24. Doing laps around the living room after coming inside the house. It's very, very important that he runs at least 2 laps around the living room after coming inside.

25. Biting your face. Your face needs to be bitten, and he's the man to do it.

Duncan Hates:

...

I'll let you know when I stumble across ANYTHING that this dog hates. Mostly he thinks every single thing he encounters is the absolute best. Have you seen Parks and Recreation? He is the dog version of Rob Lowe's character.

I love him.

xoxo

DuoFest

2011-06-08T07:56:00.006-04:00

I haven't blogged at all, really, about the improv troupe that I'm in. I think it's because if you really wanted to hear more about The Oxymorons, you'd either ask or you'd already know all there is to know because you would be following us on facebook or you'd be a regular visitor to our web site and I don't want to bore/overwhelm/annoy you with all that. Plus, I really don't like the idea of improv taking over my life. I love it and all, don't get me wrong. But there just have to be spaces in my life that have nothing to do with it, and so far, this has been one of them.

So now that I've said all that, I'm going to go ahead and ruin it. Sounds pretty typical, right?

I LOVE DUOFEST! Let me 'splain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up.

So a few months ago, The Oxymorons and our improv besties Don't Break the Streak did a workshop in Philly. Kim and I happened to do a scene together (although I think we kind of planned to do a scene together) and after it, Greg (my improv hero and the director of the workshop) pulled us aside and said we should try out for DuoFest, a national festival in Philly that featured improv duos. Regardless of the fact that we were not, as it were, a duo, we wholeheartedly agreed.

Cut to the day of the submission deadline, in a basement...Hot and Modest formed. We submitted, we were accepted, we performed at some shows, and last weekend, we rocked DuoFest. We met amazing people, we saw ridiculously talented improv, and we got free drinks. Also SWAG. And here are my most favorite parts of the weekend:

1. Shopping. I'm not even going to try to ignore that, because I'd feel like a dirty liar. But there was an Anthropologie, a Tiffany's, a Lush, and a MAC within two blocks of our hotel.
2. After parties. Improv people like to party. More importantly, they like to give us free drink tickets and then stumble around the upstairs portion of an Irish bar and talk about smart things. I like smart things, smart people, Irish bars, and alcohol. It was an implosion of awesomeness.
3. Meeting "fans." That probably makes it sound cooler than it was, but it was pretty cool that when we got there, a bunch of people had already seen our video clips and wanted to tell us how funny we are. And that's kind of a big deal, considering I met some of the funniest people I've ever encountered this weekend.
4. Maoz. This is my new favorite restaurant. It's vegan, it's fast, it's healthy, and it's open until 3am. I'm in love. Please go there, and please try the eggplant and hummus salad, especially if you'd like to have your life changed forever.
5. Spending 3 straight days being no more than 100 feet away from Kim and us not hating each other. I miss her now, because she is certainly at least several hundred feet away from me, and I don't have anyone to counter my blind optimism and sunny disposition with a sardonic quip or heavy eye roll.
6. Candy. Turns out I enjoy Mike and Ikes, and there was a quaint candy shop right on the corner of the street the theatre was on. I like candy.
7. Learning the intimate details of a stranger's first sexual encounter and then extrapolating upon them in front of a large group of other strangers. Thanks, Megan.
8. The Cascade, Rachel and Dave, Jessica Tandy, Michael Loves Greg, The Amie and Kristen Show...I could really just keep going on here naming duos that I am currently blown away by. I mean, just to name a few things, there was a fire set in a school (three times), a suicide plan on a wedding anniversary, awkward kitchen sex...who WOULDN'T love those things?
9. Improvisers. They're great. They are different from theatre people, because they do not seem to want to claw your eyes out in order to get a part. In fact, they appear to be supportive, happy for you, and welcoming, and I like all of that.
10. Actually PERFORMING in DuoFest! I'll be honest, we were nervous. Nervousness, though, turns out to be an excellent diet. But people laughed heartily, we had people we love in the audience supporting us, and we had lots of nice things said about the performance itself (see above: supportive improvisers.)

So, thanks, DuoFest, for rocking my world. And for anyone who has missed Hot and Modest, you have a few options.
a. Become our fan on facebook at www.facebook.com/hotandmodest
b. Check out our video clips on youtube.
c. Come out to the Comedy Zone and/or a fun show in Shippensburg on June 18 to see us live.
d. All of the above.

xoxo

Vegan

2011-05-18T08:11:00.004-04:00

I have been a vegetarian for about 10 years. Ish. I have been sort of flirting with becoming a vegan for the past year or so, but just couldn't commit. About a month ago, I decided to just go for it and give it a whirl. Because I'm a nerd and completely obsessive compulsive, I also decided to read everything I could find about the proper way to be a vegan, the many health benefits, and (of course) the effects that eating meat/dairy have on animals and the environment. I have learned a lot of things since my vegan conversion, and since I'm sure your life's purpose hinges delicately on reading my thoughts, I would like to share them with you. Feel free to tell a friend.

1. There are only two ways for people to tell other people that they're a vegan. They are either profoundly apologetic (identifiable by a slight cringe and eye aversion when they say, carefully, "Oh, no thanks...I'm a...vegan" or ridiculously entitled. This one is probably more common, and generally accompanied with a condescending, pitying shrug while the person talking tallies up yet another person to whom they are intellectually and physically superior.

2. I am a terrible cook. Seriously. Now, to be fair, I bake delicious pasties and desserts, but when it comes to cooking meals, I am just not the best. I've tried multiple new dishes, and have found about two that are great. The rest I have managed to mess up. Tofu, really? Who actually cooks with that?

3. It's a good idea, if you're a vegan (who isn't out to convert the world to your way of thinking through instilling shame) to come up with lots of fun reasons that you have made this choice, because literally everyone you know will want to ask you why you've decided to avoid animal products. The truth is, they don't REALLY want to know, because telling them all the yucky truths will make them uncomfortable. Better to give fun reasons, like "I'm allergic...to animals. All of them. When ingested, they would cause my stomach to spontaneously combust" or "Look, there's a war coming, and we all have to choose sides. The plants have built an army, and I'm putting my money on them. They've got strong roots," or "Well, I watched The Land Before Time a lot as a kid, and I really admire Littlefoot's character, especially when you consider what a scallywag that Sharptooth villain turned out to be."

4. Irony of all ironies, after posting that ode to bananas, it turns out I'm allergic to them. This also leads to something else that I have learned, which is that I am the absolute worst at noticing things. It was weeks of pain and sickness before I connected the fact that bananas were the culprit.

5. WholeFoods. Sure, I spent $45 on about six items, but I could have spent all day in there. I like a little bit of pretention with my shopping experience, thank you very much. I also like the fact that unlike at Giant (where I am now forced to do ALL of my grocery shopping) there are aisles upon aisles upon aisles of vegan deliciousness. And things are frequently labeled "vegan," which saves me work. I don't like work.

6. Some surprisingly non-vegan foods that I am currently mourning: candy corn, gummy candy (obviously my priorities are candy-related), Utz Specials pretzels, croutons, all varieties of Special K, my favorite Aurora granola, Jell-o Mousse.

7. They make a vegan food pyramid! It's a whole lot like the regular food pyramid, designed to make you hyperaware that you're doing a terrible job at feeding yourself. But just look at how fun and tropical it looks!

xoxo

So-called

2011-05-15T11:34:00.003-04:00

We got a new puppy. His name is Duncan, and please take a moment and picture the cutest thing you've ever seen. Is it a fat little baby? A kitten in a basket? He's cuter than that...like a lot. This blog, however, is not about him...not even about the fact that he's a freaking genius and learned to sit on command at 10 weeks old in about 10 minutes. Or the fact that he has green eyes and loves everyone. It is, instead, about the fact that when you get a new puppy, you get to wake up at stupid o'clock every morning to avoid spending the first 45 minutes of your day cleaning up a crate covered in poo. I'm not complaining! I knew that this is what happens...and it's a fun bonding time. Duncan and I have started watching the series My So-Called Life on Netflix every morning. And here, friends, is where my story begins.

If you've never seen this show, I can catch you up pretty quickly. Angela Chase, played by a really skinny Claire Danes, is a sophomore in high school, and full of teen angst. She has friends that her parents don't approve of, is in love with a derelict (but really hot) boy who likes to lean on lockers and sigh heavily, and narrates the show with adolescent philosophical commentary. That pretty much covers it. Oh, and since it was filmed in the 90's, she wears a lot of plaid shirts with everything. I mean, with EVERYTHING. Plaid shirts with overalls (I totally wore those in high school, by the way, and they were cool. I swear. Rachel in Friends wore them, so just TRY to dispute that), plaid shirts with flowered dresses, plaid shirts with tights. Plaid, plaid, plaid. Thanks, 1995.

I remember watching this show and being astonished on a weekly basis by how much Angela GOT me. I was totally in love with the Jordan Catalano of my high school! I also felt misunderstood and far too smart for everyone around me. I couldn't believe the trials she faced, I cried when Jordan stood her up, I felt an instant and perpetual dislike for her overbearing mother who just refused to understand anything. I didn't feel like I WAS Angela, but I got it. I loved that show! It, along with Beverly Hills 90210 and Friends, was a show I really tried not to miss, because I was really invested in her life. It spoke to me.

So naturally, when it was added to the Netflix instant queue, I was pumped. Added it immediately. And was completely thrown when the following things were my new thoughts:
* Angela, shut UP. Jesus Christ, you have a really nice life, stop flipping whining and be nicer to your parents.
* That poor mother. She is literally doing everything she can to cater to her moody, bitchy, ungrateful teenage daughter, and all the girl does in response is moan, run her fingers through her hair, and complain.
* Rayanne might be the most annoying high school friend I can imagine. What a drain.
* Jordan Catalano...still hot. Also kind of a dick. And dumb. Where is he going in life? Where is his ambition? I mean, if he can't even come meet her parents, how is he going to be supportive? What kind of presents would he get her for their anniversary (a lot of my opinions are formed based on material gifts, apparently.)
* None of her philosophies make any sense, and are completely formed in an egotistical, self-important, entitled frame of mind. Again, shut UP and maybe try having a conviction that goes beyond yourself. For a girl who has never faced any serious or legitimate tribulation, she sure does pity herself.

I'm going to stop there, because I already know what you're thinking. Don't feel bad, I thought it too. I'm old. I am literally closer in age to Angela's mother (who is 40) than Angela (who is 15.) When did that happen? And what did my poor parents think when I was telling them what an important show this was? To be fair, I never had issues with my parents like Angela did. My parents do, and always did, rock. But they must have been a little nervous. So that's what I've learned, friends. I'm kind of old. I just really hope Duncan never dyes his hair, makes questionable new friends, or starts going out at all hours of the night in the hopes of starting a relationship that is destined to disappoint him and ruin his self-esteem. I think we should start watching Full House.

Requiem

2011-04-27T08:17:00.004-04:00

In Memorium:

Oh, Candy Corn, how I have loved thee. Throughout the years, you have been my steadfast friend, a confidant, a nugget of sugary deliciousness in times of yucky candy alternatives like Babe Ruths or Peeps. Every fall, around Halloween, we all looked forward to the first candy corn harvest of the season. The first bright orange bag to sneak into an array of chocolates and nougat. And then, suddenly there was Easter candy corn! Valentine's Day candy corn! Even Christmas candy corn. It's almost as if the heavens had opened up and rained processed honey and refined sugar down upon the mortals.

However, Candy Corn, I've recently become a pretty hard core vegan (more on that in an upcoming blog post.) As you know, I've been a vegetarian for about ten years, and have been kind of flirting with the whole vegan situation for about a year now. But about a month ago, I made the commitment to go at it full force...and unfortunately that means I have to let you go. As you also know, I have somewhere close to 100 bags of candy corn sitting in a closet in the guest bedroom...and I wonder what I should do with those? My first thought was to throw them away, but that just seems harsh and careless. I do know of others who love candy corn...perhaps I should spread the candy corn love around? The world would be a much more peaceful place if everyone had a bag of candy corn.

Perhaps one day we'll meet again. It's been a pretty good month so far though (I also gave up refined sugar and white flour) and it's amazing how quickly my body has gotten accustomed to those things. In fact, candy corn, I haven't craved you in quite some time. But I do know that you've got to get out of the closet, because who knows when a craving will strike...and I do like to do things right. Oh, and you might want to pass this message along to your friends Gummy Bears--actually, the whole Gummy family. Swedish Fish, luckily, ARE vegan, so I'm going to try to develop that relationship again, in moderation.

So...thanks for the memories. I'm sorry to have replaced you with things like cashews, dried dates, puffed kabut, and soy crisps. But if you ever need a reference, please feel free to get back in touch with me.

xoxo

Royalty

2011-03-30T19:19:00.004-04:00

I think it's only a matter of time before I find myself in the position of ruler (Empress, perhaps?) of a small foreign country. The more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that this country will be a tropical one, perhaps on an island. Perhaps on an island that travels through time and is home to smoke monsters and strange tribes of people who never age...but an island never the less.

I recently realized that I should probably be prepared for when this inevitable rulership occurs. So I've decided to make an edict so that people interested in residing in my country (and no, it won't have my name in it. I will worry about naming this country after I am crowned) know what they're getting into. A set of laws, if you will. A completely unreligious Ten Commandments. A Bill of Rights.

1. Everyone gets a puppy. This puppy may or may not come in a really fantastic outfit. It just depends. But everyone gets a puppy.
2. Debates will be solved with wit, emphatic finger pointing, and a hilarious joke contest.
3. Glitter. I hope you like it, because it will probably be everywhere.
4. There will be no Payless Shoe Stores in the country. Those who attempt to enter the country wearing shoes from Payless will be kindly asked to remove them.
5. There would be several new national holidays: Candy Day, Cupcake Day, Dress Up Day, and Hat Day. It would basically be like Spirit Week all the time.
6. There would be a really strict immigration code that would include a written exam, a photo shoot, a practical exam having to do with fashion sense, and a variety act of some kind. Like hula hooping or a vaudeville number.
7. You probably think I'm going to say that no one would have to work...but that would just be ridiculous. People still have to have jobs. However, the work day will always be broken up with a dance break, snack time, and a mandatory mid-day nap. Also the work week will be no more than 30 hours.
8. Your social standing in my country will be based on a points system. You get points for things like having a fun outfit on, interesting artistic abilities, and doing things that I find funny. You lose points for being a jerk.
9. There are many gyms, and they are open 24/7. Fitness is important in this country, because we will probably enter the Olympics eventually. However, there is a whole set of other gym rules...ones that include not being a gym creeper, and wearing clothes that fit.
10. Hugs are a viable form of currency.

xoxo

Bananas

2011-03-01T14:10:00.005-05:00

You know what I like about bananas? Well, I mean, a lot of things. I like eating them, I also like the idea of people dressed up like bananas. Or dogs dressed up like bananas. Oh, I'd like to be clear that I do NOT like banana-flavored things. Ew. However, what I'm talking about here is the fact that no matter what, a banana is always a viable option. There is no segregation amongst bananas. You see, if you are a devoted fruitist, like I am, you get really excited when you go somewhere and fresh fruit is an option. Generally you are presented with apples, bananas, oranges, and a weird "fruit salad" which is a tricky way of saying "bowl of gross melons." But the thing is...with apples, so many varieties exist, and yet I'm always offered the lame ones. Usually Red Delicious. On a rare occasion, I'll see Granny Smith.

No one likes those apples. Honestly. No one. Wouldn't it be great if they had Pink Lady apples (which happen to be my favorite, in case you're interested in giving me apples as a present) or Gala apples? Braeburn? Even a Fuji? It doesn't happen, and so I feel like a jerk turning up my nose just because I don't happen to like that particular apple variety. This very serious problem does not exist with bananas. A banana is a banana is a banana. None of this discrimination. And that makes them pretty great. Oh, unless you don't like bananas. Then you're kind of screwed.

Don't even get me started on oranges. Who has time to peel an orange in these situations? And who wants to smell like oranges all day?

xoxo

Jokes

2011-02-24T09:09:00.004-05:00

Everyone can calm down. I got a new phone. Crisis averted, please resume your daily activities in a calm fashion. The only caveat was that in getting a new phone, I lost all my phone numbers, pictures, data, EVERYTHING. So, in a desperate plea to try to regain what I had lost, I sent out a facebook post, asking that my friends please text me their phone numbers, along with a hilarious joke. My friends, those tricksters, sure did come through. Here are some of the highlights, from my extremely hysterical friends. You're welcome. (p.s. if you don't see your joke here, please know that it was probably too inappropriate *cough, Toby* and I don't want you to get beat up.)

From Eli:
What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine? A washing machine doesn't follow you around after you dump your load in it.
Blonde jokes...classic. I think there should be more redhead jokes though...and by jokes, I do mean heavy amounts of adoration and gift-giving.

From Keanan:
What did the apple say to the computer?
You may have two cores, but mine can replicate.
I'm going to be honest. I don't get it. Don't start a redhead joke about this.

From Matt S:
A woman and a duck walk into a bar, the bartender says "Where did you get that pig?" The woman replies, "That's not a pig, that's a duck." The bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."
400 ducks walked into a bar, and the bartender says, "I can't serve 400 ducks," and the 400 ducks said, "You are really starting to ruffle my feathers, sir."

From Jason S:
What's green and smells like pork? Kermit's finger.
Ew. Also there are many levels to this joke, because Kermit is controlled by other fingers, so by proxy, are puppeteers fingerbanging Miss Piggy?

From Xine:
So, a hipster walks into a club...
...that you have never heard of before.
Ha. I'd laugh, but I'm busy thinking about existentialism.

From Jess K:
Why did the little girl fall off the swing? Because she had no arms.
Jess had another joke. I'm not publishing it, because I don't want either of us getting arrested.

From Cara:
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay then they would be bagels.
Not going to lie. I cracked up, out loud, at this joke. And then later, I thought about it again, and laughed some more.

P.s. that picture is of me and my mom, laughing uproarioiusly at something. Not at these jokes, clearly, but something in Las Vegas sure did tickle our fancy.

Phone

2011-02-21T09:38:00.002-05:00

Can we please just ignore the fact that I haven't blogged since August? Please?

I've encountered a catastrophe of monumental proportions, friends. My phone broke. Let me take you to the scene: I'm sitting at rehearal, blithely unaware of the tragedy that was to ensue, playing a game. Suddenly, and without warning, the screen turned a deathly shade of white. I tried to stay calm...I removed the battery. Still white. I removed the battery and waited several minutes. Still white. Panic began to set in, and I threw my dying phone into the hands of anyone who offered to try to revive it. No luck. And to make matters worse, the phone's functionality stayed in tact...I continued to receive text message, facebook, and email alerts. I just couldn't read them. It was like my phone was crying out for help, and I was powerless to rescue it.

That was Saturday, and I have been phoneless since then. I took the poor carcass into Verizon, where they promised to ship me a new phone--Tuesday. Until then, the nice lady suggested that I revive one of my old phones and activate it. So this morning, I did. I'm now using a zombie phone...a pink Motorola razor, circa 2007. Here are some things that I have learned about 2007 Sara, courtesy of said phone:

1. She was kind of a whore. According to text messages, 2007 Sara was apparently dating about 5 boys. As I recall though, I wasn't exclusively dating any of them. And I certainly wasn't sleeping with them. But still.
2. 2007 Sara loved downloading ringtones. I mean, she freaking LOVED it. She liked to assign ringtones to individuals as well.
3. She was smart enough to download Tetris. Score. She also had some pretty bangin high scores.
4. She loved Dior. She loved Dior enough to make the phrase "J'adore Dior" her banner on her home screen. Could she AFFORD Dior? No. Did that stop her from purchasing it? Doubtful.
5. Apparently 2007 Sara liked to send pictures of herself making faces to her friends. Were camera phones new?

So, while I await the replacement of my Blackberry, you'll find me trying to remember what T9 was like while simultaneously rocking at Tetris. My heartfelt condolences go out to anyone else who has suffered a similar loss.

xoxo

LA

2010-08-12T08:36:00.004-04:00

Dear LA Fitness,

I'm sorry I had to pass you this note rather than talk to you in person. But it's just too hard. I have so many emotions right now. I'm confused, I'm hurt, and you haven't been returning any of my text messages. And yet...I still keep running back to you, every day. What is this hold you have over me??

I know you already know what I'm upset about, but since you refuse to talk about it (you can be such a coward sometimes), and because I deserve the opportunity to express my feelings, I just need to let you hear this. On Tuesday, we were lifting weights, like we always do. We were SO HAPPY, LA. So happy. And suddenly, I felt a muscle pull in my neck. I know it's not your fault, and I don't blame you. But I just felt like you didn't care! You didn't ask how I was doing. You didn't seem concerned. And why do I feel like you were almost happy that I couldn't finish my lifting? Is it because you wanted some other, younger, prettier girl to lift with? And even though I've seen you every day since then, you haven't asked if I'm feeling better. I am...not that you care.

Just about twenty minutes after the muscle pull, we were running on the elliptical together--so carefree, making plans for the future. And suddenly, out of nowhere, the pedal fell off. LA...I could have been seriously hurt. But again, not a word from you.

You had to know I was upset, and maybe I'm overreacting, but it's just because I get so nervous when we fight. Are you going to leave me? Would you revoke my membership? Cancel spin classes? You're so unpredictable! But I guess that's what I love about you.

So where do we go from here, LA? You know I can't stay away. I could be tired, hungry, sick, or hurt, but you know I'll be there. Be honest--is there someone else? You've seemed distant, and I see the way those other girls wiggle around the gym in their teeny little shorts and overly sexualized exercise wear. Whores.

I'll be there again tomorrow. Can we talk?

xoxo

August

2010-08-11T19:11:00.003-04:00

This just in: August 2010 has recently been renamed Saramonth. By me, which is really all that matters. Also, the arsonist has oddly shaped feet. You know what I'm saying.

First of all, August is my birthday month! I am a Leo, because I know you were wondering. I also enjoy long walks on the beach and snuggling. Oh, and throwing underwear dance parties on my bed. But more than all of those things, I enjoy making lists, so the following is irrefutable evidence that this month is obviously mine:

1. I just graduated from grad school! More on that in my next blog post, because I have more to say about it. But for now, please know that I have my Master's degree, and with that degree have become infinitely smarter. I feel like I just know more things, have the capability to spout wise statements, can converse intelligently with scholars and scientists...it's a good feeling. Also, having my Master's means a raise at work, which means I'm that much closer to being able to afford a giraffe.

2. I turn 30 this month. Probably most females would be in hysterics, but I'm kind of excited. Life seems to just get better as time goes on, so I can't even imagine what great things will happen in my thirties! Maybe I'll discover that AB is actually a duke/lord/prince/king of some unknown tropical (yet well equipped with a Tiffany's and a Sugar Factory) island so I can FINALLY marry into foreign royalty and rule over a small country.

3. We go to Jamaica in less than a week! I've never been to Jamaica. I hope I learn how to dreadlock my hair and put beads in it. I also hope I learn how to say "Mon" casually in conversations. But we're going to an all-inclusive, and I feel that it's going to be incredibly wonderful and relaxing.

4. My best friend Franny just informed me yesterday that she booked us a day at the Hershey Spa all day Sunday. I've wanted to go there forever, and now I get to spend the day with her (which we never do), take a chocolate bath (I may not like to EAT chocolate, but I sure do like the idea of bathing in it), use their gym (which sort of makes me feel like I'm cheating on LA Fitness, but LA was a giant douche to me the other day...we're kind of in a fight), have a facial, and get a manicure. It will prepare me nicely for Jamaica.

5. My parents got me a Macbook for my birthday/graduation. I'm not really sure HOW yet, but it makes me feel infinitely more fancy. Also, I like to skype people.

Is that all? I feel like it might be. But cheers to you, August/Saramonth. Here's hoping September doesn't come around and kick me in the face.

xoxo

Wine

2010-07-26T13:28:00.004-04:00

AB and I are not engaged: to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. This must be distinctly understood, or nothing wonderful can come of the story I am going to relate. (thanks, Chuck D...openings have never been my thing.)

Last weekend, AB and I spent the weekend in Ocean City, NJ with my family. I consider myself a relatively well-seasoned traveler. This year alone will have taken me to Mexico, New Orleans, Las Vegas (twice), Buffalo (okay, so that one's not super thriller material, but STILL), Ft. Lauderdale, and Jamaica. But nowhere makes me as happy as OCNJ, especially when my parents, brother, aunts, and cousins are there. Probably because my family rules.

One evening, while tailgating in a parking lot waiting to be seated for dinner, my mom, who never drinks more than one cocktail every now and then, decided she wanted to play keep-up with my more alcoholically savvy brother and cousin. She downed three glasses of wine, and moments later was belting "Don't Stop Believin" across the parking lot--the Glee version. My mom loves AB, so her dance moves eventually carried her over to him. I thought nothing of it, since I'm so glad that they get along, until I overheard her listing who she wanted to invite to our wedding. I tried to divert her, to no avail. Then she danced away.

Not five minutes later, I found her cornering him, pointing out a small infant and informing him that she "wants one of those." In her next breath, she thought it would be an excellent time to remind him that once we did have children, she planned to move in with us for a few weeks...to help out. And before I had the chance to intervene, she also found it important to mention that if, in childbirth, my life were to suddenly be jeopardized, she'd have to choose my life over the baby's, and were they on the same page about that?

Over the course of one evening, my mother had me engaged, married, pregnant, was moving in with us, and aborted my hypothetical baby.

Luckily, AB is the most easy-going person I know. With most other men, the preceding conversation would have resulted in a boyfriend-shaped hole in the door the next morning, and me coming home to a half-empty house. AB, on the other hand, took it as a compliment.

I should add that my mom ended the evening by leading a conga line through our beach house, and then passing out in bed by 10:00.

Meanwhile, now that AB and I have been dating for a year and a half, apparently every single person I encounter feels that an appropriate greeting is "Hey, how are you? When's AB going to propose?" Let me answer that en masse. I DON'T KNOW. We talk about it, but I don't like the idea of planning out a marriage before one is engaged. I am the girl. Proposing is not my job. My job duties include things like: looking pretty, making our house smell nice, making our friends, and party planning. My duties do not include things like: making the first move, taking out the garbage, or proposing. You can yell at me if you want for perpetuating outdated gender roles, but I'm not making these rules up. It's science.

xoxo

Gucci

2010-06-24T07:40:00.004-04:00

I love big sunglasses. You know the ones I mean. The REALLY big ones...preferably with a bit of fade-out in the lens. In fact, I love them so much that I recently spent a minor fortune on a pair of Gucci sunglasses that I consider to be one of my most worthwhile investments. That's them, in the picture. Go on...salivate. But I know that big sunglasses come with a certain stigma. Eyes roll, snarky comments are made. That is why I have compiled a small list of my favorite things about big sunglasses.

1. They allow me to judge you anonymously. I can stare at your appalling choice in footwear, make faces at your parenting skills (or definitive lack thereof), show my annoyance at the fact that you absolutely refuse to shower, and you'll never know. For all you know, I'm looking straight ahead, minding my own business. But I'm not. I'm judging you.

2. It makes it evident, if it wasn't already so, that I am stylistically superior. I find that a well-placed pair of expensive sunglasses can make even the most mundane outfit stand out. Yes, my sunglasses make me better than you. In turn, I tip my hat to those wearing cooler sunglasses than mine. And really, why eliminate this social hierarchy? Everyone feels more secure this way.

3. I am able to look completely put together without putting on any makeup. Now, to be honest, I have not mastered the art of wearing my sunglasses indoors...I just feel silly. But while I'm outside, makeupless, I still feel sufficiently done up.

4. It's easy to avoid eye contact. Without being able to see my eyes, I can very easily pretend I didn't see someone walking across the street, and I can continue on my journey without having to pause for an awkward conversation with that same someone I have been avoiding.

5. The eyes are the windows to the soul. My soul sometimes likes its privacy, thanks!

Pickles

2010-06-01T07:45:00.004-04:00

If you know me, then you might have caught onto the fact that I have a teeeeensy bit of a potty mouth. If you don't know me, and you're just internet stalking me, kudos to you. If you don't already have it, I'll be happy to give you my address so you can leave me gifts on my doorstep. Note to you: I need a new tote, and I'm always happy to receive anonymous gifts from Tiffany's.

I digress. Recently I've realized that maybe I swear TOO much. Let's be honest, it's just not ladylike. And more importantly, I think it's lost its power. For instance, when I say "fuck," no one really flinches. If, say, my grandmother were to say "fuck off," I'm pretty sure she'd get some attention. Why? Because she NEVER tells people to fuck off, whereas I tell people to fuck off almost every day. Lovingly, mind you...lovingly. But it's not fair that my fuck has no power, and my grandmother's fuck has a LOT of power. I want to reclaim the power of my fuck.

Also, there's nothing interesting about a word if one says it all the time. And if there's one thing I don't like, it's the idea of not being interesting. So in the name of being interesting, here's what I propose: I will not swear for one week. Not at all. No damn, hell, shit, fuck...none of it. If I do swear, the week re-starts, until I last a week. At the end of that week (which may very well be sometime in the year 2019), I will get myself a fun little present. Yay me.

Now here's what I need from you.

1. If you're lucky enough to enjoy the presence of my company, please keep on me about the swearing. If you hear me swear, you can smack me. Gently. A love tap, really.
2. Let's discuss some "gray area" words. Like balls. That's not a swear word, but it's definitely inappropriate. Or dick. Is that a swear word, in your book?
3. I need to have a ready repertoire of replacement words, because I constantly have the need to have some form of mild outburst, and I need a lexicon for such instances. I'd like to try bring back "bonkers," as in "That is bonkers!" instead of "That is bullshit!" Or perhaps "poppycock." Also, "pickles" seems to be an acceptable substitute for "fuck."
Person A: I'm going to go to Payless and buy that pair of shoes.
Sara: What the pickles is wrong with you?!?

You see what I'm saying.

Ok...go.

Joey

2010-03-23T08:56:00.003-04:00

AB and I have taken to spending our evenings watching marathons of Full House. Just so you know, Teen Nick runs four back-to-back episodes of this culturally cataclysmic television show every night starting at 8:00 p.m. Join us, won't you? Not only will you get a heaping dose of Tanner family love, but you will get to see every acne wash/pimple cream/face cleansing/zit busting commercial that has ever been produced--repeatedly. Teen Nick apparently knows something about teen culture that we don't...all teens care about is their complexion, and by showing the exact same set of commercials during every commercial break, you will eventually wear them down.

So, we love Full House. We learn valuable lessons, AB gets to make four cracks a night (I've limited him to one per episode) about Jodie Sweetin's meth addiction, and we have a hearty chuckle as Uncle Jesse's hair care jokes never cease to be hysterical. But there is one piece of the happy family puzzle that just doesn't fit in.

Joey.

What the fuck is this guy doing there??? I mean, I understand that when the mysterious Mrs. Tanner died, he moved in to help out his bestie, Danny. Sure. Makes sense. But he NEVER LEFT. I mean, by the end of the series, he's got to be in his early to mid thirties, and he is still just kind of leeching off of the Tanners, with absolutely no family or friends of his own. In all the years that the show ran, he never got his own girlfriend. I can count on one hand the number of Joey-centric episodes that ran. It has never appeared that he has any life outside of the Tanners. He somehow managed to get his own television show, which leads me to believe that he was making decent money, but he remained content to live in the basement (and in later episodes, a small bedroom) in this already overcrowded home.

Does he even have his own car? Is he paying Danny rent of any kind? Other than doing the occasional Bullwinkle impression, what contribution is he making to this family? This family that doesn't belong to him. At what point does Danny finally say, "Listen friend-o, it's been a nice run, but people are starting to talk." Doesn't he feel awkward at all? Like you know when you were little and you went on vacation with your best friend's family? Yeah, it was fun and all, but you were never really PART of the family, and it was always kind of relief to get back to your own house with your own food, and not that weird food that your friend's mom made.

I mean, really, Joey. Cut. It. Out.

Grownup

2010-03-19T10:48:00.004-04:00

Well, I'm afraid I might have grown up. Or just got boring, but since I find myself to be the most interesting person I know, and I know this must be accurate since I also find myself to be an excellent judge of character, I doubt that's the case. I imagine it's much more likely that the years have caught up with me. Damn you, Time! Peter Pan would NOT find this acceptable, and he would probably mock me and send his shadow after me. I, however, am smarter than Peter Pan, and would just turn out the lights and tell him I killed his shadow. I might have grown up, but I can still be a bitch.

The Evidence:
1. I just don't feel like going out anymore. I mean, sometimes, like if I'm in Vegas or somewhere else that's actually conducive to my very high going-out standards, I'll do it. However, it should be noted that I was recently in Las Vegas for three nights...one of those nights was spent partying the sh*t out of Blush and drinking $600 champagne until 3am. The other two nights, I was happily tucked into my Bellagio bed before eleven. I digress...but I really don't feel as though getting trashed on the weekends is a productive expenditure of my time. My tummy hates it the next morning, and let's face it--it's just empty calories. Also, my decision-making skills are not awesome while intoxicated. But if I had the choice between going out to a bar with a group of friends and sitting on my couch, cuddling with Hamlet and AB and watching Full House--you guessed it. The Tanner family's shenanigans would be getting my attention. Turns out I actually don't need to be drunk to be entertaining. Who knew.

2. When people text me past 10:00 at night, I am (a) usually in bed, and (b) wonder what on earth these people are thinking with their middle of the night crises.

3. My tax return is going for two things: saving for grad school loans, and taking a fantabulous vacation with AB to a tropical location this summer. Anything left over will be spent on a Bissel SpotBot. I'm really excited about it. It's like the Michael Phelps of carpet cleaners!! Minus the giant ears and the pot.

4. Things that frequently excite me: making lists, going to the gym, planning vacations, going to bed early, cleaning, and drinking organic skim milk out of a martini glass.

5. Purchasing a house seems like a reasonable thing to do in the next year or two. Um, really? I always swore I would rent forever because I didn't like the idea of having to fix my own appliances or take care of my own lawn. I still don't like those things. However, this just in: boyfriends are good at that.

I feel like the mounting evidence speaks for itself. But the most compelling argument that I am probably an official grown up...

6. I actually don't mind it. It's nice having money to do stuff. It's kind of fun to not deal with hangovers, and to plan exotic vacations, to get enough sleep, to fall asleep and wake up to the same fantastical person every morning, to have positive and healthy friends, and to feel secure in myself. One of my students called me her Carrie Bradshaw for life. As long as she means that I am awesome, and not that I have a horse-face, that's kind of ok.

So, I expect that I will soon be receiving my "Grown-Up" card in the mail, along with a detailed instruction manual. My parents, by the way, used to insist that their reasoning behind many of their parenting decisions simply came from the "Parenting Instruction Manual." I can not WAIT to get a copy of that, because I can't even keep plants alive, so I'm hoping there are some good ideas on how to maintain a child.

Underwear

2010-02-08T14:21:00.004-05:00

So you know what's kind of depressing? I spend all kinds of time, effort, and money making sure that I am always wearing adorable underwear. I love them. When I'm not in a hurry, I definitely spend at least 10 minutes dancing around in front of my mirrors, showing off my awesome underwear to myself. I think part of me is hoping that somehow, someone can see me and be impressed--by both my rockin dance moves and my kickass choices in high panty fashion. But the depressing part--almost no one ever gets to see them!

I mean, now and then people see them. When I'm changing at the gym, or when I'm on the treadmill and my pants are falling down (which happens way more often than I think it should--suggestions?). But as a rule, the public doesn't get to see my cute undies. And it makes me mad. Because they're CUTE. Last fall, my mom sent me a pair of underwear with a little candy corn guy on it (you all know about my candy corn obsession right?), and on the back it said "Corny." HA! And they were swell little black boy-cut underwear that made my butt look great. So I was getting really depressed, until I finally decided to make my co-worker Chelsea come over. Here's how it went:

Me: Chelsea, we're friends, right?
Chelsea: Of COURSE we are.
Me: Ok, then please come over to my office right away.
Chelsea: (arrives in my office and shuts the door)
Me: I'm going to need to show you my underwear.

And I did. And, they were super cute! This is why I know I love Chelsea. She was perfectly excited to see them. I feel that I'm too new at this new job to wander around showing off my underwear to anyone.

So instead, I propose that we drop Casual Friday and instead implement Underwear Friday. I know what you're going to say--that you have lots of co-workers who you do NOT want to see traipsing around in their unmentionables. But be honest with yourself...don't you KIND OF want to know what that woman 2 offices down, with 12 cats and stale peppermint candy has on under her girdle and shiny white orthopedic shoes?? I do.

Please join me in this endeavor.

xoxo

p.s. Yes...yes I was tempted to put a picture of myself in my OWN underwear up instead of just a picture of underwear that I happen to have. However, do we think that could get me fired? Probably. Once Underwear Friday gains momentum, I'll be much more likely to do it.

Coup

2010-02-05T10:09:00.003-05:00

Well, I think we all knew this was going to happen. If there is anything I've learned from watching blockbuster action flicks of the mediocre variety, it's that eventually robots are going to turn against us, kill most of us, and inhabit the earth. That's why I absolutely refuse to get a Roomba vacuum. I mean PLEASE--I know it seems innocent enough, but it's a slippery slope from there. First you're having a little disc guy vacuum your living room, then you're using Rosie from the Jetsons to make your breakfast (and the occasional hilarious joke), then you're getting bound into indentured slavery to the I, Robot bitches.

Not me.

I thought we had more time, though. However, when I was sitting in spin class yesterday, I noticed the "man" in front of me. I always check out the people in front of me...what else are you supposed to do when sweat is pouring out of your face at epic rates? But I paid specific attention to his left leg...it just wasn't flowing properly. It was kind of...clicking. Jerking around the wheel a little bit. I stared, perplexed, until suddenly I realized the truth--he was a robot. Obviously. And his designers were smart! He's really kind of plain looking (my first instinct if I was going to build a robot would be to make him super hot), didn't really say much, didn't appear to be too well-built...all of that to mask the fact that he could rip my face off in a matter of seconds.

Crafty.

So, throughout the rest of the class, I had some time to digest this information. The Robot Coup is much more imminent than I had realized. I'm not really one to try to rebel against this. That seems like a lot of effort, and I'm more of a go with the flow kind of gal. Instead, I'm proposing some tips on how to make nice and live with our new robot overlords.

1. Wear witty t-shirts, probably from snorgtees.com. Robots love a good witty remark.
2. When you're on your cell phone (because you know they're listening) try to talk up the droids--say how you think R2D2 is the best Star Wars character you know of, and that he was robbed in terms of screen time.
3. Try to emulate robots yourself, as best as you can. Always be dressed nicely, don't wear wrinkled clothes, smile a lot. Pretend your life is a Miss American pagaent. Wax the important areas...robots don't approve of unsightly body hair.
4. Walk the fine line between using your gadgets (iPod, GPS, etc) and taking them for granted. Don't drop your cell phone in the toilet. Don't hit your computer if it's being slow.
5. Always carry an oil can.

Good luck! xoxo

Job

2009-12-16T13:52:00.004-05:00

Soooo...guess who has a new job! This will be a multiple choice question:

a. Our dog Hamlet--finally got his dream job of Mulch From The Yard Eater
b. The Noid--remember him? From Dominos? Avoid the Noid? He got hired by Pizza Hut to promote their wings.
c. Zach Morris--his ability to stop time by making a "T" with his hands has launched him into reality tv superstardom.
d. Me

If you guessed "d," then you win! Please see me at a later date to collect your prize. Just so you know, your prize is a hug.

After five and a half years (why does time move so quickly??) of working in Admissions at Penn State, I've been offered a job at Harrisburg Area Community College as their Coordinator of Student Life and Multicultural Affairs. I know what you're thinking, and yes...that DOES make me kind of a big deal. But honestly, it's a huge step up in terms of responsibility, SALARY, and awesomeness. I'm really excited to get started. My first day is January 4, and my new colleagues are already e-mailing and calling me with questions!

So, here's where this inevitably leads. I've said almost since I moved here that I wanted to move away. York wasn't nearly glamorous enough for me, there wasn't enough to do, the people didn't impress me...I had a nice little list of reasons to book it out of here. But here's the thing--it's kind of grown on me. I can easily get to Philly, Baltimore, DC, and NYC. Harrisburg, Lancaster, and York all have these great little hidden artsy areas with awesome local artists and businesses. And it's so cheap to live here! If I lived in NYC, like I've always said I wanted to do, I could never afford to DO anything! Living in York will afford me the opportunity to actually have money to spend. I can travel abroad. I can buy things. I can manage to feed my expensive tastes.

So apparently it turns out I'll be sticking around here, which is good. And also, in York, I stand out. People find me endlessly stylish, quirky, and savvy. I think I might blend in a little bit more in a bigger city, and I do NOT like doing that!

"The only rule is don't be boring and dress cute wherever you go. Life is too short to blend in."
Paris Hilton

Thankful

2009-11-25T12:27:00.004-05:00

You know what? Life is awesome. Remember how I blogged at the beginning of the year about 2009 being the year of change? It seriously has been--in fact, I believe that in December I'll probably write a blog detailing the highlights of 2009. But for now, since it's Thanksgiving, and it's what you're supposed to do, I wanted to make a list of things I'm thankful for. Because there are a lot of them. And honestly...you should too. And then when you start getting yourself all worked up over something, tossed into a panic, getting into hypothetical arguments in your head (is that just me?) you can look back and remember that things are actually pretty ok.

I'm Thankful For (in random order):

1. AB--I've dated a lot of douchebags. I've also dated some really great guys, but there have been more than a few twats. And I had kind of figured that at some point I was going to have to lower my standards just a little bit, because no one was ever going to be able to fulfill all my expectations. Wrong. AB is exactly who I always hoped I'd find but never really thought I would. And all those people who said living with a boy was going to suck and be hard--what is WRONG with you?? It's awesome!

2. My family. This is pretty much a no-brainer. I have the best family I know of, and I've met a lot of families. They're fun, funny, adorable, and my best friends.

3. My hair. It's still amazing. I think sometimes I fear that it'll turn normal or plain, but that hasn't happened yet. GO GINGERS.

4. Hamlet. Ok, he can be a real asshole sometimes, but I have the cutest dog EVER. I dare you to try to find a cuter one. And while he makes me SO mad sometimes, I love him so much, and get so proud of him. Who would have thought that pooping outside would make me want to throw a party?

5. LA Fitness. Ohhh, how I adore thee. If I could wrap LA Fitness in a little bundle and put it in my pocket forever, I would. I'm throwing spin class on this one. I sometimes wish I could hug spin class.

6. 20% off coupons from Coach. Why didn't I sign up for their e-mail list earlier??

7. My rockin' house. Have you been to visit me yet? It rocks.

8. No hospital visits in over a year! I'm sure it was smart to say that...but after three several day long hospital stays in less than two years, I was starting to think that there were little terrorists living in my body trying to sabotage me. And maybe there WERE, but luckily my Belgian mafia badassness kicked them out.

9. Gmail. I love gmail. I should write a letter to Google, because it's fantastic.

10. Cruise to Mexico in December, New Orleans for New Year's, and Vegas in February! I promise to send you all postcards! I also feel like I should start investing in some SPF 45. I would rather not come back from any of those destinations looking like a tomato.

11. IKEA. The world seems better knowing that IKEA is in it.

12. Smoothies. I haven't had one in a really long time, but I could totally go for a pineapple-strawberry smoothie right now. My throat hurts. I'm not actually sure this should make the list, but I'd be really happy if one magically appeared.

13. My friends...I started to name them, but then realized I'd probably forget someone and they'd no longer be my friend. Although...if they stop being my friend based on a blog omission, I think I question the validity of our friendship! But you know who you are! The friends I've had forever, the ones I talk to all day via email and gchat (thanks gmail!), the new friends I've made over the past few months, the ones who send me postcards from all around the country, the ones who ALWAYS make me crack up laughing, the ones who totally would have my back if I ever get into a giant street fight...you get the idea!

I think this list could go on for awhile...so rather than ramble, I'm going to suggest that each of you go out and tell someone in your life that you're thankful for them being there. If you're reading this, you're either a friend of mine or a random internet stranger who has been stalking me...in either case, I'm thankful for you!

Trainers

2009-10-28T09:40:00.004-04:00

So we all know that aside from AB, my one true love in life is my gym (oh, and my as yet hypothetical puppy). I heart LA Fitness. It's probably because I like LA and I also enjoy fitness. When I have to go out of town, I miss my gym more than I miss my friends (sorry friends...but I can text you while I'm gone--as yet, LA Fitness has refused to respond to any of my text messages.) I miss its laugh...I miss its musk. I miss the purple walls, the clean equipment, and especially the spinning classes, to which I have become officially addicted. I do not, however, miss the trainers.

In short, the trainers at my gym (and likely at any gym) are certified twats. Since it has not been confirmed that any of them are fully literate, I'm going to assume that none of them are reading this blog. But on the off chance that one of them somehow stumbles off of a gay porn site and onto my blog, I'm offering the following has helpful insights to increase their productivity.

1. Your giant muscles do not completely negate the fact that you have bad teeth/acne/an IQ that has dipped into negative numbers. Find a dentist. Have you heard of Proactiv? R-E-A-D something!

2. No matter how many times you try to tell me that investing an additional $80/month is a sound financial move, I do not want to hire you as my personal trainer. Please stop asking. I mean, come on. Play hard to get! By constantly approaching me while I am TRYING to work out, you are just making me want to kick you in the face.

3. Guys need fitness advice too. Even though the gender mix at my gym is probably 50/50, I've never seen a trainer approach a male client and offer some extra fitness advice. Go on--show them how to do it. Grasp their waist ever so gently. Wink at them.

4. The holy grail is not hidden down my shirt. Stop looking.

5. It's evident that in fitness trainer college (wait, what? They don't have that?) you learn how to spread your arms very wide and strut. It looks silly. You kind of look constipated.

6. You might want to talk to your plumber...as far as I know, most of us shower in water, not cheap cologne. Maybe just give them a call and ask if yours is malfunctioning!

7. If I have my iPod on, am obviously working hard at whatever exercise I'm doing, and absolutely refusing to make direct eye contact with you, it's not necessary to approach me. I'm doing fine, I promise.

8. You can tell me as many times as you want that the key to getting fit is free weights and that cardio is a waste of my time. Really? REALLY? Join me, won't you, for just one spinning class.

xoxo

Confession

2009-08-14T10:02:00.007-04:00

I'm a fraud.

As I'm sure you all know (because I assume that your daily well-being hinges on being updated on my happenings), I'm in graduate school right now. I love the program I'm in, and I find myself constantly intellectually stimulated and challenged by my classmates, and I love that. It's swell, and they're honestly really cool people. Earlier this month, I spent two weeks at Goucher College, immersed in an intensive summer writing residency. It was a quirky juxtaposition of terribly draining and wonderfully energizing. It was also two weeks of being surrounded with completely brilliant, inspiring (albeit sometimes exhausting) writers. They love things like music, art, philosophy, big words, theoretical adventures, and asking just one more question at the end of a lecture. In many ways, I identified beautifully with them. In other ways, I did not.

What follows is my confession to my fellow graduate students. Please do not eject me from the program, throw rocks at my car, or smudge my lip gloss.

1. I would much rather read the latest issue of Cosmo than the latest issue of The New Yorker.
You hate me, don't you? But it's true. I am much more interested in giggling over first-time sex bloopers, having my most embarrassing beauty questions answered, or learning more ways to score a 6th consecutive orgasm than reading about Sotomayor's trials, the health-care debate, or a Russian road trip. I'M SORRY. I will be the first to criticize Cosmo's perpetuation of the horrible, mythical female ideology that exists in America. I know it's trash...but I still like to read it.

2. I don't listen to NPR.
Gasp. I don't like it. I've tried. The people have boring voices, and I just can't pay attention to them. I know I'm in the minority, and I'm aware that all self-respecting, liberal, hip people wake up and fall asleep to the sounds of NPR, but I just can't. AB listens to it all morning every weekend. During a lecture at school, one of our professors, Laura, was talking about her love of NPR. Let me explain...this woman is awesome. Laura Wexler is not cool. Cool is Laura Wexler. I digress--she mentioned that her alarm in the morning was set to NPR, so that's what she woke up to. Everyone chucked that "Oh yes, so do I" all-inclusive chuckle. I looked around, certain that I had some kind of heathen mark flashing above me. Stupid NPR.

3. I like listening to Britney Spears.
She's catchy. She's a beautiful disaster. She Did It Again.

4. Harry Potter rules.
He does. The past decade has given us some phenomenal literature. But J.K. Rowling made billions of people care so much about the fate of a fictional little boy that on the day it was released it sold a record-breaking 8.3 million copies. IN ONE DAY. I should know. I was there, with my friends at midnight, costumed in our homemade Harry Potter attire. I will probably read the entire Harry Potter series 10 or more times in my life. I will probably read Angela's Ashes one or two more times...although I love that book. My hypothetical children will be debating the virtue of Severus Snape as they put on their pajamas and settle in for storytime at night.

5. I generally have no idea what I'm doing.
I sometimes try to guess! But the truth is that I just love to write, and I actually feel like I'm pretty good at it (most days.) But as a rule, I'm kind of just bumbling along, trying to meet deadlines and not make a complete literary ass out of myself. Just a girl who sometimes likes to play in bathtubs at parties with her friends.

xoxo

Christine

2009-08-06T16:27:00.003-04:00

Perhaps you have noticed that I haven't posted a new blog in quite some time. I suck, admittedly. In my defense, I've been immersed in an extremely intensive graduate program for the past two weeks, and hopefully will be able to apply some of what I'm learning to making this blog extra fun and awesome.

Or perhaps you haven't even noticed my blogtastic absence, in which case we need to sit down and have a serious discussion about your priorities.

In any case, my amazingly talented friend Christine has generously stepped up to save my online ass, and has written a witty, handy, practical blog that speaks on a multigenerational level. Please look for at least two blogs of my own next week (one about the surprising and beautiful simplicity of living with AB and another that will be a virtual confessional to my grad school colleagues), but until then, what follows is all Christine:

Wardrobe Professionalism: A Brief Guide to Faking It.

You can’t deny it: we’ve all had a shitty morning (or in some cases 5,284 shitty mornings) that we can blame on a number of circumstances such as: staying up too late talking to a friend on the west coast, drinking too much, general insomnia, closing down a gay bar with a karaoke rendition of Baby Got Back, accidentally sleeping with the TV and lights on, the extended release aspect of your Adderall refusing to stop releasing, forgetting to change your BlackBerry to silent mode causing it to violently vibrate on the nightstand when Saks randomly sends a late night email, deciding that listening to Britney Spears and Coldplay repeatedly at 3am is the cure for insomnia, Benadryl, staying up late because you just HAD to watch a rerun of Nancy Grace, taking the red-eye from Vegas and failing to schedule off work the day of your arrival, the alarm forgot to beep… you know the deal.

Ladies, let’s assess the situation: you have 20 minutes to look normal and don’t know where to begin. Here are some simple suggestions that will make these mornings seem less like giant case of armageddon:

• Pretend the Guinness Book of World Records is timing you for the fastest shower record. Everything is easier when you are clean. You cannot go wrong with a ponytail as long as it looks like it’s been brushed, straightened, or attended to with some other kind of minimal grooming… a 1875 watt hair dryer and a bit of product are handy at this stage of the process.
• Invest: You are employed and need to appear professional at your place of employment, so one would assume that you’ve managed to attain a level of responsibility that would involve you participating in some kind investment activity such as stocks, mutual funds… Well forget about that business because we’re focusing solely on looks in this brief guide. Invest in CLOTHING. If you work in an office environment and occasionally need to appear particularly professional, you absolutely must begin stockpiling blouses and dresses by Diane von Furstenberg. I don’t care if you lost every penny you own when the economy crashed or you are simply a shitty poker player. Put money in a piggy bank, wait for a sale at Nordstrom, toss some adult guilt in the direction of your parents so they pay, sell yourself on Craigslist…whatever it takes. Sure Diane von Furstenberg can sometimes be on the expensive end of the blouse industry but it’s worth the money - appropriate, classy, classic, dressy, flattering, consistent, stylish and most importantly easy. Next to your stockpile of Diane Von Furstenberg blouses there should be another stockpile of dressy, knee-length pencil skirts. Essential colors: dark denim (no stitched seams) and black. You need multiples of these colors because they will match every Diane Von Furstenberg blouse you own. Choosing an outfit will now only take 30 seconds of your life and will be successful regardless of your state of consciousness.
• Shoes with high heels are a vital part of this occasion. Bare feet are for pedicures, flip flops are for the beach and plastic is for working the pole at a strip club. These things have nothing to do with your morning so they should also have nothing to do with your choice of footwear. Owning several pair of ‘comfortable’ black heels and ‘comfortable’ fancy heels in fun colors are imperative. The litmus test for comfortability: the ability to run in aforementioned shoes regardless of obstacles including, but not limited to, brick sidewalks, blisters, stairs, etc. These shoes should be stored in an easily accessible area of your closet….now grab a pair and put them on your feet.
• Accessorize: Always keep a pair of earrings and matching bracelet in your purse or desk (or both) and sunglasses in your car. I recommend sunglasses of the large, dark variety. Morning people never forget to accessorize…and now neither will you.
• Side Note: In case you are having a bad morning and you are also completely incompetent, do not forget normal activities such as: brushing your teeth, wearing panties and a bra under your clothes, deodorant, perfume…

In conclusion, practice makes perfect. Practice also makes for numerous late nights and stressful mornings. You can decide whether or not that’s your thing. Now if only you didn’t have 8 minutes to battle traffic in an anxiety-ridden quest to reach an office, it would be the perfect time for a bloody Mary.

Bitches

2009-07-16T08:59:00.003-04:00

We all know a few. Probably more than a few, actually. Come to think of it, I know for a fact that several of you who are currently reading this are, in fact, bitches yourself. Not only are you bitches, but somewhere deep in the core of your soul, you're proud to be bitches. Maybe you even have little refrigerator magnets to celebrate your bitchiness. Don't worry. I'm not writing this to condemn you. Instead, I am writing this in the hopes of joining your evil legions.

I think my conversion idealism was brought on by a recent ongoing encounter that I've been having with a particular bitch. I'm not going to go into details, but suffice to say that I have been feeling continuously powerless against this person, and it's making me realize that I need to up my bitch quotient. Not to the point where I start terrorizing my friends and family, but to the point where I can better stand up to them when I need to.

I feel like I need some kind of a plan. Otherwise, my increasing frustration is going to erupt like a McDonald's employee's face. It's already started to happen...I was listening to a heated conversation between my mom and my aunt, and I apparently decided I needed to involve myself. I calmly began to lay out my points (which, I may add, were quite valid) and my aunt (who is the sweetest woman on the planet) kept interrupting me with "Now, Sara, no..." and finally I just turned and shrieked at her, "STOP INTERRUPTING ME! You're not allowed to just interrupt me!"

Silence.

Unsure about how to proceed following my outburst, I simply stomped back to the couch and pretended to fall asleep. But...the lesson? About ten minutes later, she came over to me, hugged me, and apologized for interrupting me. You see? Bitches might be bitchy, but people don't mess with them. In fact, once someone has developed a reputation for bitchiness, people go out of their way to avoid upsetting them. No one goes out of their way to avoid upsetting nice people! They're too nice!

I've developed a preliminary do and don't list for embarking on the bitch train. I welcome suggestions.

Do:
1. Snap at people occasionally for minor offenses. This will let them know that you will not put up with their more serious offenses.
2. Be hypersensitive to the way you are being treated. Do you feel like an injustice has occured? It probably has. You should probably yell about it.
3. Stomp. A lot.
4. Be extraordinarily nice to people sometimes. Make them love you enough that they want to keep you around despite your newfound bitchiness. Buy gifts for people.

Don't
1. Slap a ho. While funny, this is apparently a good way to land yourself in jail.
2. Tell people you're a bitch. SHOW THEM.
3. Purchase any kind of glitter graphic t-shirt proclaiming that you are a bitch.
4. Hit below the belt. You probably can come up with lots of mean things to say to people. Don't say them. You don't need to be mean to be a bitch.
5. Go overboard. Your tantrums need to be well-timed and properly executed. Doing it too much will take away some of the power.

Home

2009-06-15T10:54:00.006-04:00

So, I did it. I am currently successfully cohabitating with AB. We moved just over two weeks ago, and thus far, no one has suffered any extreme injury/death/medical malady because of this new phenomenon. In fact, it's kind of awesome. Also, our house is f-ing AMAZING. It's huge. I mean seriously...huge. The pictures I'm putting here don't even begin to do it justice. It's all giant and beautiful and I'm completely in love with it and basically never want to go anywhere. I just want to stay home and make sweet sweet love to our new house. Anyway...I have received TONS of questions about the new place/living situation from my public, so I have selected some of the most common ones to use here for a brief Q&A regarding the new house. If it would make things more authentic, please envision me in a hot little black dress from BCBG with bright turquoise heels, sitting on Conan's couch, sipping out of a coffee mug that is actually filled with 1% Organic Chocolate milk.

Q: Sara, first of all, congratulations on your awesome hair. But secondarily, I recall that you've never lived with anyone before. How are you holding up?
A: Oh, thanks for asking. Yes, my hair rocks. But I actually kind of love it. I think that's probably because I love HIM. I still maintain that I would hate having 99.996% of the population as a roommate. People are exhausting. But it's fun having him there. It's weird getting used to someone else always being around, but it's enjoyable. Also, he goes to Central Market on weekends and gets fresh fruit and makes me fruit salad.

Q: What is your favorite part about your new house?
A: Probably my bedroom. If you haven't seen it, you should make a point to visit. But call first.

Q: I haven't seen the place yet! When can I do that?
A: Well, our housewarming party is coming up in July. However, if you're not very cool, you're not going to be invited. You'll have to schedule a different viewing of the house.

Q: Does AB love living with you?
A: What a retarded question. Duh.

Q: Exactly how big IS this castle of a townhouse?
A: F-ing HUGE, to be precise. 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms (one with a Jacuzzi tub), living room, kitchen, dining area, study, garage, laundry room, basement...seriously. F-ing huge.

That's just about all the time I have for questions at this time...but if you have any others, feel free to leave them as comments OR to send them to me via e-mail.

xoxo

Goodbye

2009-05-27T10:18:00.003-04:00

Here's a fun new game for everyone to play. You know how you go to a party, you've had your fun, and you're ready to leave? You start making the rounds of goodbyes, which are inevitably treacherous. "What? You're leaving? Don't leave!" or "Wait, no, you have to just stay until some very exciting and extraordinary event happens," or "Ok, but let me drunkenly hug you and profess my undying love and eternal devotion to our friendship that began when we met earlier tonight and discovered our mutual obsession with Lost." It's awful. Once you've waded through the murky swamp of saying goodbye to other guests, you finally have to say goodbye to the hosts. Think level 8 of Super Mario Brothers (the original, puh-lease) when Mario finally makes his way through the flying fish, the labyrinth, the flame throwing monkey, and finally comes face to face with Bowser. The hosts never want you to leave. I think they're afraid that your departure will start a trickle effect, and soon their party will be empty and lame. And to be honest, it probably will be once you leave. You're kind of a big deal.

Anyway, by the time you actually get OUT of there, it's 45 minutes past the time when you originally wanted to leave. And I find that annoying. So, for the past year or so, I've adopted a new MO. I just leave. I don't say goodbye to anyone, I don't make eye contact on the way out the door. I just wait for the moment when I can stealthily sneak out the door, and I bolt. I know this sounds easy, but trust me--it takes a certain level of planning and skill. I feel a little bit like James Bond. So, as a public service, I've decided to provide all of you with the skills you'll need to make your great escape.

1. You need to pay attention to your instinct. Once you feel like you no longer want to be there, don't wait. Start your escape plan immediately. You have approximately 30 minutes from this initial spark to make your move.
2. It is VERY important that no one senses that you are about to leave. Up until the very second that you fly out of there, you need to make lively conversation, laugh, continue eating the food, etc. In fact, you should even make plans with someone for later in the party. Like, "Oh my gosh, wait until Jane gets wasted, I'll show you the funniest thing that she does!" Magicians call this misdirection.
3. While you're misdirecting the other guests, you need to prep for your departure. If you have a coat somewhere, this can be tricky. If you've come with someone, you need to decide if they are coming with you or if you're just going to chalk them up to a party casualty. Planning is essential.
4. Pretending to be drunk can also work. Some of us have a tendency to wander off when intoxicated, thereby ensuring that at least initially, no one will notice your absence. They'll just assume you've wandered.
5. Once you're ready to go...just GO. Don't wait. Make a quick, direct, clear line for the exit. Do not make eye contact with other guests. Do not appear suspicious. Just go.
6. If someone catches you, chances are, you're screwed. However, with careful planning, not all is lost. Have a repertoire of excuses ready. Do not pause when spitting one of these out. It can NOT be lame. Don't say that you're tired or that you have to work early. No one cares. If you're busted and you're going to lie, at least make it creative and a good one. Something involving an explosion or an epidemic might be good. You can also simply state that you're running to your car for something or that you're looking for someone else. Do not back down and return to the party.
7. Chances are, no one will really notice that you've left. This is why I do this. If you say goodbye to everyone, then you've made quite the spectacle. This way, the party goes on flawlessly. You're really doing everyone a favor. The next day, make sure to have it known what a great time you had.

Try it. Don't mess it up. And let me know how it goes. Most importantly, don't be offended if at your next party I'm suddenly missing. It is not a reflection on you, your party, or anything other than my short attention span.

xoxo

Shorts

2009-04-27T08:53:00.002-04:00

Alright, I love summer as much as the next girl--possibly even MORE than the next girl, depending on who that girl is. However, as soon the temperature starts to creep up, so do the hems on people's pants. I am, of course, referring to The Arrival of the Shorts.

Shorts can be really cute. SOMETIMES. They can also be the most horrific sight one is likely to encounter on a hot summer day. On principle, I very rarely wear shorts. I have no qualms about wearing very short skirts. Those are usually adorable. But there is a thin line between "Those are cute!" Shorts and "What in God's name was she THINKING!?" Shorts. I do not wish to tread that line.

Already this year, I have been the visual victim of many shorts infractions. Seriously, I feel like my eyes have been raped. So, for the good of all humanity, I have compiled what is surely only a partial list of rules for wearing shorts. Please pay it heed...and if you're reading one of these and thinking to yourself, "But I look GOOD when I do that," I fear I am too late to help you. You have fallen victim to the Shorts Epidemic.

How Not to Be a Shorts Rapist:
by Sara

1. At the gym, there are two girls. They always work out together, they have matching side ponytails, and are somewhere between eleven and thirteen years old. They're cute. They are also CHILDREN. But every day, they both come in wearing "shorts" that would more accurately be defined as boy-cut underwear. They're tight, tiny, colorful little one-inch pieces of cloth that do not even cover their entire butts. Seriously. There is cheekage. This is not ok, no matter how cute, tan, young, old, thin, muscular, or exhibitionistic you might be. This could probably be more beneficial in a "How to Get Gang Banged in the Parking Lot of the Gym" list.

2. This is designed specifically for the gentlemen. I know that Umbros are cool. Or at least, they WERE cool in 1993. However, if you opt to wear them (or shorts with any other silkish material) please, please PLEASE wear underwear. Why? Because we can see your junk. Every little wrinkle, every little vein. And while everyone enjoys an unexpected penis sighting, this is not going to do wonders for your popularity. Additionally, if you are wearing swim trunks as shorts, and thereby not wearing underwear, please do not sit with your legs spread. Your little soldier will try to escape, and unbeknownst to you, dangle out the side.

3. The 80's, tragically, have ended. If the button on your shorts is anywhere over your bellybutton, please remove them from your list of possessions. Even if you have the behind of an Ass God/Goddess, you'll get Mom Butt. You know what I mean.

4. So you've avoided all of the above pitfalls. You ran out to your favorite trendy little store, and purchased a perfectly acceptable pair of shorts. You rush home, slide them on, lay down on your bed to snap them shut, and start to strut your "I have hot shorts" strut down the street. If the insides of the shorts keep rising up...like between your thighs, so that there is an upside down letter V of shorts material pointing directly at your crotch...go back and get a bigger size. Seriously. No one will know.

5. Finally, this is one I learned last year, the hard way, when I was determined that a pair of cute white shorts from Banana Republic would be JUST what I needed to complete my summer wardrobe. If you are pale...like REALLY pale...white shorts are not ok for you. Your porcelain goddess skin will not be admired and appreciated. It will be mocked. As a side note, I never did purchase them...I just stared longingly at them from afar.

You're welcome.

xoxo

Jubilation

2009-04-08T10:20:00.004-04:00

Every year, around September, my senses awaken. I feel a quickening of my pulse, a tingling in my toes. Suddenly, colors are brighter, flowers bloom more beautifully, and there is music in the air. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. The beginning of candy corn season. One day, just when you'd almost forgotten about this delectable taste bud adventure, you're wandering the aisles of your local grocery store, and there it is. Bags upon bags of orgasmic sugary delight.

Yes. This is a blog about candy corn. If you've got beef with that, then you've got beef with me, and I'll meet you by the bike rack after school with my fists and some brass knuckles.

The problem with the corn? Once Halloween is over, it disappears! No more candy pumpkins. No more yellow and orange happiness. It's like when you're seven, and the day after Christmas finally comes...you look around amidst the boxes and ribbons and new toys...the day you've waited for ALL YEAR has finally come and gone, and you stare blankly at the destruction in your living room, and you just have to ask yourself, "What the fuck?" It's disheartening.

And so I spend the rest of the year in a state of despair. Sure, there are other things to keep my mouth happy...actually, let's not go into that. But it's just not the same.

However, this year, in February, I was at the store picking up some groceries, when I meandered into the horrifically red section, identifying the Valentine's Day candy. I think I could sense it before I saw it--a round tin full of red and pink candy corn. Naturally my first instinct was to grab all that I could carry and rush out of the store. I contained myself. I bought like 2 containers.

So once I realized that other holidays are breaking into the candy corn monopoly, I've obviously spent the past two months trying to find Easter candy corn. Just when I'd given up hope, AB and I were at Giant, and there it was. Bags upon bags of beautiful pastel heaven. I obviously bought it, but I had to give the bag to AB to monitor my candy corn consumption...I'm a little bit like Violet from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I'd just keep eating more, and I would not look attractive as a giant, triangular piece of sugar. I swear to God, if I could stick a tuxedo and top hat on a piece of candy corn, I'd be tempted to marry it.

I was so excited about my find that I had to start a conversation about it at a party this weekend. I brought some into work. I think I've told everyone I've seen about the Easter candy corn. My co-workers came in this morning to sample it, and we've concluded that it tastes creamier and softer than regular candy corn. We think it's because pink, purple, and yellow are creamier colors.

But now I'm panic-stricken. What holiday could possibly be coming up where they'll make more candy corn?? The Fourth of July? I mean, I'd eat it, but I think red, white, and blue candy corn would just be silly.

I clearly have a problem. Please do not encourage this obsession in any way.

Hatred

2009-04-02T15:55:00.003-04:00

Ok, you all know the show 7th Heaven, right? You've definitely seen it. Reverend Camden with his bitchwife Annie and their passel of children, pets, and random stragglers who are invited into their home and indoctrinated with important family values and lessons?

I hate this show. I hate every single one of the characters. If it was possible to have negative respect for something, that is the amount of respect I have for the writing, acting, plot lines, and character development. AB and I tried to discuss who we hated the most on that show, but the conversation just lapsed into stunned silence, because it's an impossible question. It would be like trying to count to infinity (although I hear Chuck Norris counted to infinity--twice.) I asked him if he was forced to blow up one of the Camdens who he would choose, and he just shook his head in befuddlement and said, "Can't...too many." I think though, if I really had to, I could narrow it down to Lucy or Ruthie. I just stare at my television screen and can feel liquid hatred fill my eyes.

None of that is very interesting. We all have television shows that we hate. But the trick is that I can NOT stop watching this show. In fact, I seek it out! When I go home over lunch, I immediately turn to the Hallmark channel (which is just bullshit in and of itself...they make cards, not television shows) and know that I will see a gruesome explosion of hugs, bad acting, and important morals. And I do it. Every single day. And then I drive back to work, singing the theme song and marvelling at the atrocity.

Do you think this is what heroin addicts feel like? And if you were to choose a Camden to throw into a river full of snapping alligators and electric eels, who would you choose?

Unicorns

2009-03-31T09:11:00.002-04:00

Before reading the rest of this blog, please take the next two minutes and fifty-four seconds to view the following extremely relevant and important video.

Ok seriously, who doesn't want to go to Planet Unicorn? I mean HONESTLY! My favorite unicorn is Cadillac. He has a bouffant, but his little unicorn horn pokes out just enough to be stylish yet subtle.

I would like to teach a college course entitled The Existential and Spiritual Dilemma of Planet Unicorn: A Colloquium. There are six installments of this series, and there are fifteen weeks in a semester. My only fear would be that there is just too much material to really do it justice. But I would try. To give you a sampling of what my course might look like, I've created a mock syllabus for the first few weeks. Naturally, since you haven't seen the other five episodes, (which I really encourage you to watch as soon as you possibly can) this mockabus (mock syllabus, duh) only covers the portion of the class that would be devoted to episode one.

I'm going to assume that my class meets thrice per week.

Assignment One: Relate Shannon, the eight year old gay boy, to the Classic Hero Structure that can be applied to all literature. Why did he wish for a fur jacket? What does that represent? What struggles inherently lie within Shannon that are evidenced by his desire for a flying car? Spiritually, where will this car take him?

Assignment Two: Ambrosia. Feathers, Cadillac, and Tom Cruise are intially seen eating ambrosia salad. Ambrosia (as you obviously know) is classically the food/drink of the gods. Is this foreshadowing? Describe the ethnocentricity revealed by the lack of cherries in Feathers' salad compared to the abundance of cherries in Cadillac's salad.

Assignment Three:
The unicorns have a strong desire to nap and cuddle. However, once napping they dream the same dream of Shannon, the gay boy who wished them into existence. Find two partners, and nap and cuddle for the rest of this class period. Try to dream the same dream.

Assignment Four:
Using paper mache, pipe cleaners, glitter glue, and plastic fruit to construct a model representing Unicorn Falls and what you learned about pouring brown paint into pink waterfalls.

I need to take this to my Director of Academic Affairs.

xoxo

Moving

2009-03-30T10:13:00.005-04:00

Breaking news. AB and I are moving in together. If you aren't already in possession of this information, and if you know me at all, I'm going to go ahead and give you some time to pick your jaw up off of the floor and collect yourself.

(you could also use this time to grab a snack or ponder a mystery of life...like why it's acceptable to wear jeans with anything. Jeans are BLUE, and the color blue does not match everything.)

Ok, I'm going to assume that we're all good now. So yes. We're moving in together. We found the most adorable townhouse in Hellam. It has three bedrooms (including a master bedroom with vaulted ceilings, a ceiling fan, and a huge walk-in closet, which was kind of prerequisite for me) two and a half bathrooms (one of which has a jacuzzi tub) a living room (with a remote-controlled fireplace) big open kitchen, deck, finished basement, washer and dryer...it's completely awesome. My little OCD-crazed brain is already whipping out lists of things to buy and ways to decorate, and we don't even move in until June 1.

I've been living by myself for the past 5 years. Prior to that, any attempt I have made to cohabitate with anyone has been a catastrophe the likes of Mariah Carey attempting to act. So I have my concerns. AB, luckily, is one of the most laid-back people I've ever met, and seems completely prepared to handle the fact that I'm probably going to panic and lose my mind over this at least twice before we actually move. But in order to catch any of that before it happens, I have decided to track some of the thoughts I'm having about the whole situation!

Thoughts I'm having and general philosophical meanderings:

1. AB and I already spend just about every night together. On the days that we don't see each other, I miss him. In every single other relationship I've ever had, we either didn't see each other nearly that often, or if we did I was so happy and relieved to be left alone...or in the case of my last relationship, it was both!

2. We have now gone away together twice...once to the beach in Ocean City, and just last week to Florida for 5 days. Both times we've been together continuously for several straight days, and I didn't get annoyed with him. I have only ever had one or two FRIENDS even that I don't get annoyed with after a few days.

3. Norman Bates is completely correct that we all go a little mad sometimes. He was NOT correct in dressing up like his mother and killing people in showers. I digress. But I've gotten very used to having my own space and my own ways of dealing with things when I go a little crazy. However, AB has thus far done a very good job of handling me when that happens.

4. I will dance around in my underwear at least once a week. AB assures me this will actually NOT be an issue, and has encouraged me to do this even more.

5. We have yet to have a fight of any kind. On one hand, living together might make our first fight tricky because we're kind of stuck together then. On the other hand, it might be a good experiment and force us to work it out.

6. One of my most favorite things about AB is the fact that he talks. Like, we talk all the time about pretty much everything, and I feel like we're on the same page about things.

7. I have spent the past five years making my current townhouse as "mine" as I can. When people walk in, they're usually like, "This place is SO Sara." I fully approve of AB's decorative tastes based on his current apartment, but I'm worried I'm going to have a hard time compromising on that.

By the way, if any of you reading this would like to make yourself available to help me move that weekend, please know that I will provide you with beverages, snacks, and positive verbal reinforcement. Moving blows. That's why I haven't done it in awhile. But I'm super excited!

Old...ish

2009-03-04T11:07:00.006-05:00

This just in: suddenly (or not really suddenly at all, actually) I am about six months shy of my 29th birthday. That birthday marks my last year as a twenty-something! I'm not going to panic about this, (although I did find a wrinkle about a year ago, which I convinced myself was an optical illusion but is somehow STILL THERE) because I've heard from numerous reliable sources that it's way more fun to be in your thirties than it is to be in your twenties. Also, all empirical evidence that I have gathered supports this. Life IS getting better the older I get. I have more money, I can do more things and go more places, I have the most awesome boyfriend (AB) ever, I have a stable job, I'm in graduate school...things are good.

A little while ago, I stumbled across a journal I used to keep in college. This journal was less of a "Dear Diary" secret keeper and more of a place for me to write down random thoughts I had, interesting things people said, and to make lists because list-making ranks pretty high in the "I'm a Closet Geek for Loving This" Olympics. It's right up there with Star Wars, crossword puzzles, Harry Potter, and cleaning my house. For instance, in college when I was in a completely lovesick state over a boy (who had beautiful brown eyes but was otherwise utter rubbish) I decided to write a list of 100 things that I loved about life that did NOT involve him. It reminded me that as much as my heart (and other, more inappropriate areas) fluttered when I saw him, the sun did not actually rise and fall based on his whereabouts.

So in said journal, I also stumbled across a list of things that I wanted to accomplish before I turned 30. At the time, apparently 30 seemed like it was REALLY far away, and I also apparently thought I'd have limitless resources and time in which to accomplish these things. I would now like to update you all (because you clearly are intensely interested) on the status of these goals.

Live in London
I think I'm going to need to accept that this just isn't going to happen, nor do I really think it's a good idea. London is far away. And I don't know for sure that they show Lost there.
Be in a movie
Unless home videos count, I'm no closer to this one either. As of now, I decree that home videos DO count, unless anyone reading this wants to toss me in a movie.
Go skydiving
If I am to believe AB, we are totally doing this, even though he has a huge fear of the skydiving instructor getting a boner while catapulting through the air, thus rendering his skydiving experience tainted and horrifying. I, on the other hand, would be endlessly amused if his skydiving instructor got a boner.
Write the next great American novel
Hm. I'm midway through two of them. Really, all I need to do is slap "The End" on one of them. I'll call it a mysterious, artistic choice.
Go on a shopping spree in NYC
If I want to do this in style, I'm going to need my own fun and flirty soundtrack. So until I find a small symphony to go to the city, I'm out of luck. However, I guess the word "spree" is up for interpretation. I've definitely gone to NYC and spent way more money than I was supposed to.
Live in NYC
Clearly as a college student I thought I was going to be much more metropolitan and nomadic than I actually am. I was offered a job in NYC last year and turned it down. I'm totally counting that.
Go on a cruise
I was SO close! I think this is still within reach. AB knows many things about cruises. I'm either relying on him or getting a job as a call girl who specializes in cruise captains.
Go to grad school
HA! Done.
Take a cooking class
I have no idea why I thought this was a good idea.
Buy something from Tiffany's
Done. I rule.
Go to Greece
Greece seemed very chic at the time. I do however, have plans to go to Ireland with AB for our 30th birthdays.
Learn another language
Thanks to two boys I've met in the past few years, I've learned how to speak Asshole pretty well. Otherwise, I should probably get to work on this little project.
Learn how to crochet/knit
Alright, I have tried this. My hands just will not cooperate. Too many loops and there's yarn, which is just complicated.
Learn a martial art
Oh, I had forgotten about this. It goes along with my desire to be even more of a badass than I already am. This is so possible.
Perform on Broadway
Well, no.
Be on The Price is Right
I consider this goal null and void now that Bob Barker is no longer hosting this show. I mean honestly, Drew Carey? What fun is Plinko with that man? I bet he doesn't even care if you get your pets spayed or neutered.
Ride in a hot air balloon
Franny and I had tickets to do this last year. I believe the weather got in the way. We should probably try that again.
Learn how to drive stick shift
Still a good idea. I don't know for sure why I was so determined to do this, but I do think it's wise. Again, I think driving stick would really increase my badass quotient.
Kiss a stranger
Um...it would appear that in my despair over not being able to accomplish all of my goals, I decided to accomplish this one hundreds and hundreds of time to make up for it.

Soooo, it looks like I have a really busy year and a half ahead of me. And that's not even counting all the new stuff I've thought of that I want to accomplish in the next few years! I wonder why I had to go and be all lofty and ambitious, and couldn't have listed anything practical (like buying a fun new car.) Although "practical" isn't usually in the grab bag of adjectives that describes me, now is it?

Fight

2009-02-17T08:11:00.003-05:00

Wow. I have not blogged in a LONG time. I fear that any small readership I may have accumulated will have completely disappeared. Somehow I'm going to have to internet-whore myself out again. Damn. Anyway, I have reasonable excuses to justify my blogging absence. First of all, I've been quite enfolded in a torrid love affair with my Awesome Boyfriend (henceforth referred to as AB). Additionally, I've been swamped with work for grad school (I vaguely recall having made some absurd plan to not procrastinate...what rubbish), I have a huge job interview today, I have a new show opening this weekend and have been attempting to learn lines for that. Ok wait, in the interest of full disclosure, I should tell you that the last part is a lie. I do have a new show opening on Saturday, but I have yet to even LOOK at my lines. But still. I've been busy!

So I have many things to blog about, not the least of which being a fantastical, magical trip to a mythical land called Atlantic City with AB last weekend, but that's going to have to wait. Maybe tomorrow. For now, I need to share with you the Valentine's Day Ultimate Fighting Championship-worthy brawl that AB and I had ringside seats for on Saturday.

We decided to take in the Fulton's production of Agatha Christie's An Unexpected Guest on Valentine's Day. We were sitting in the first row of the mezzanine, and approximately six seats down from us was a lovely, distinguished couple. The man was big, white, and had a long ponytail, some kind of haphazard facial hair statement, a "sweater" relic circa 1984, and ultratight jeans. The woman was African-American, wearing a halter dress that was falling off of her, and could barely keep her head out of her lap. Throughout the first act, they proceeded to yell to each other (and the actors on stage), take pictures with their cell phones, and engage in all kinds of other extremely loud shenanigans. The people surrounding us became more and more disgruntled, and starting shuffling in their seats like yuppie people do when they're disgruntled but don't know how to deal with it. I was getting a kick out of it though, honestly. It was like I was getting two shows for the price of one. At one point, AB leaned over and whispered, "I have absolutely no idea what's going on in this play because what's going on over there is so much more entertaining."

An educated guess would be that these two patrons were flying like paper and getting high like planes. Intermission came. Apparently (this has not been confirmed, and none of us heard anything like this) another gentleman came up to the couple and said something to the effect of, "You need to keep your monkey quiet." Suddenly, Ponytail Man started screaming, "F*ck you, you c*cksucker, I'm going to f*cking kill you!" Please be reminded that we were at the Fulton Opera House. It was like in old movies where there's a record playing, and it screeches to a halt. Everyone just stood in their seats, mouths agape. Ponytail man rushed after this man, jumped on top of him, and started beating the living bejeezus out of him. I don't know what bejeezus is, but it is not something I would like to have beaten out of me. I'd like to keep my bejeezus, thanks. Several other men rushed into the brawl (AB included, because he's big and strong...duh) and pulled Ponytail Man off of the insulter. Ponytail Man then fell down the stairs, still screaming death threats and other incoherent nonsense.

AB and I decided that we'd rather finish our evening by going out drinking than sitting through the second half of the play. The play was mind bogglingly inane, by the way. The only fun part would be to try to come up with other, dirtier things to refer to as "the unexpected guest." I'll let you use your imagination.

Observations and Lessons Learned:
1. Racial slurs are not funny or acceptable, but coked out crazy people are both funny AND acceptable.
2. Only go see boring plays if you think there might be a fight. If you don't see one brewing, it is a good idea to start one.
3. The cure for any kind of drama is a martini.
4. People should only try to do Irish accents (or accents of any kind) on stage (or elsewhere, really) if they are positive that they know how to do said accent.

xoxo

Goldfish

2009-01-30T08:38:00.003-05:00

So Wednesday was a snow day. One of the oh-so-lovely perks of working for a college is that every so often, we get a pinch of snow, people lose their minds, and the campus closes down. Wednesday was one of those days.

I was very content for most of the day. I went to the gym, did some good solid sleeping, went to the mall...but by around 6:00 p.m. I found myself bored completely senseless. I realized quickly that I was in a crisis situation. Lost didn't start until 9:00...so I had three hours in which to occupy my ever wandering brain. The first hour found me donning a bright green mint julep mud mask, wearing frilly new underwear, a matching bra, red high heels, and putting on a Madonna concert for...well, potentially my neighbors. I prefer to think that it was only for my stuffed dog, Bagel. Also, being incredibly vain and incredibly bored, I snapped some pictures of this. They are not posted here.

I exhausted myself pretty quickly, and decided on a whim that what I really needed to make my life whole and complete would be a goldfish. So I put on clothes (although my previous attire might have been more entertaining) and went to the store and returned an hour later (and minus $60--goldfish/goldfish accessories are apparently expensive) with a little aquarium, some decorations, distilled water, and the two most adorable little fishies you can possibly imagine! In fact, you don't have to imagine them, because I'm including pictures. Their names are Titania and Oberon. Bonus points for you if you can catch that reference. Oh. I also bought Valentine's Day candy corn, because candy corn makes my mouth quiver with happiness.

So the moral of this story is that I love my fish! Their Auntie Christine wants to buy them teeny tiny little Gucci sunglasses so that maybe they'll be more photogenic. Also, it turns out that my facebook friends are more interested in my goldfish acquisition than just about anything else in my life.

The end.

"Sara, I want to go out, meet lots of boys, make out with many of them, have them tell me how beautiful and wonderful I am, make them want me, and then have them put their penis inside of me because that is the best way to show me just how much they want me."
~An entirely unrelated/incredibly amusing quote of the day by Franny.

I love my friends. I need to start quoting them more often.

NYC

2009-01-26T10:43:00.005-05:00

So...I heart NY as much as the next girl. I've made lots of bold proclamations about how much I want to live there, and how I feel like I'd thrive culturally and creatively in such a diverse and wonderful place. I got to spend the weekend there for school this weekend, and got to spend my days in a corner conference room of the Flatiron Building (so cool,) and also got to learn some rough lessons at New York's School of Hard Knocks...for Sara.

How NYC Schooled Me Like a 3rd Grade Bitch
1. NY is expensive. Everyone knows this...it's like the most expensive place in the country. However, I've learned over the past few years that I kind of LIKE the financial stability and comfort I've been able to create for myself. I spent the weekend worrying about money, and I hate worrying about money. I hate worrying about anything. Worry is lame. But I blew approximately $120 in transportation, food, tolls, etc. and have NOTHING to show for it. Do you know how many Dior Diorshow Blackout mascaras I could have gotten for that? You probably don't. It's 4.
2. Walking 20 blocks in 10 degree weather might be common practice for New Yorkers, but I don't like it. My face froze. When I finally got to where my friends were, I was NOT a happy camper. See attached picture. Before my fingertips and vocal chords froze to the point of nonuse, I called my mother, screeching "I hate New York!" I don't. But still.
3. Tara Herweg is a master of cartography the likes of which this world has never seen. She's a genius. However, even with her amazing directions (that I clutched in my hand like Lindsay Lohan clutches at her career) I discovered that I hate the subway. I hate the bus. There are many letters (R Train, L Train...) and many numbers (and we all know that I disagree with numbers on principle) and it smells bad, and people stare at you, I have to stand up a lot, I have to pay attention to things (I'm terrible at paying attention) and it still takes you like an hour to get from Queens to Manhattan. I've obviously used the subway before, but not as much as this weekend.
4. So I go to NY a lot. I would guesstimate that I've been there upwards of 100 times...because in college I thought that a credit card meant that I could afford anything, so I went like once or twice a month. But I go to MANHATTAN a lot. The borough is sort of frightening.
5. I actually did learn a lot at school. They were long days, but we made good use of our time. Just wanted to throw that in. I also learned, having nothing to do with NY, that I am going to have figure out a better system of time management than the one I used last semester. I have 50 pages of original work to write toward my thesis, a 20 page craft paper to research and write, 6 critical essays to do, and approximately 12 books to read this semester. Waiting until the night before they're due and then giving myself a near stroke trying to finish them just won't do!

In short, I obviously still think NYC is amazing. There is no place on earth that can feed your artistic hunger like New York. However...the New York I love is the one where I get to be the Princess of Manhattan, can afford to take a cab everywhere, live in a posh Upper East Side apartment with a doorman, go see Broadway shows every weekend, shop at Neiman Marcus in order to acquire the cutest outfit in which to prace about the newest club openings, and actually get to experience the city. In short, I learned that I'm a spoiled brat and that I'm kind of ok with that.

Oh. And I love Dave, even if he can't take a self portrait picture to save his life. And Tara, who is just awesome.

p.s. Go see Slumdog Millionaire. Immediately. I'm so serious, it's an astonishing film. And I don't astonish easily.

Starfish

2009-01-21T12:01:00.004-05:00

I just have one thing to say. And because I'm not entirely sure who all reads this blog, I feel like I need to be cryptic and slightly vague so as not to be offensive or vulgar!

So I love starfish, and not JUST because of the reason you think! They're beautiful little creatures, and there's a really good story about them. I'm going to include that at the end of this little blogular adventure. ANYWAY. Starfish rule. My point? It turns out that there are some things that rule even more than starfish. I'm just saying. It's an astounding and shocking discovery every single time!

The Starfish story, which is completely and utterly unrelated to this blog, but is inextricably linked to many of my personal philosophies:

A well known author and poet was working and vacationing on the southern coast of Spain. One early morning, he was walking along the beach - the sun was rising, the rain had ended, the rainbows were magnificent, the sea was calm. While enjoying the beauty around him, he glanced down the beach and saw a lone figure dancing about. Fascinated by this person celebrating the new day, he moved closer. As he drew nearer, he realized that the person was not dancing, but in one graceful motion was picking up objects from the beach and tossing them into the sea. He approached the young man and saw the objects were starfish. "Why in the world are you throwing starfish into the water?" "If the starfish stay on the beach, when the tide goes out and the sun rises higher, they will die," replied the young man as he continued tossing them out to sea. "That's ridiculous! There are thousands of miles of beach and millions of starfish. You can't really believe that what you are doing can possibly make a difference!" The young man picked up another starfish, and tossing it into the waves, said, "It makes a difference to this one."

Change

2009-01-09T09:27:00.022-05:00

Welcome 2009! Lovely to see you! 2008 was kind of a giant cunt (yes...I said it...I said cunt in my blog. There's no going back from here...) and so far you look absolutely breathtaking...have you had some work done?

I've decided that 2009 needs to be The Year of Change. It NEEDS to be. I really don't have a choice. I do an excellent job at treading water (I know that's a metaphor, but I really do tread water well...when I was teaching swimming lessons, I'd have to tread water AND hold large children afloat for about 2.5 hours a night) but that won't cut it anymore. I spend so much time worrying about my life, my future, if I'm making the right choices that I become almost paralyzed by indecision. I get so worried about making wrong choices that I fail to make any. And that's not the kind of person I want to be.

And so the following is a list. Because those of you who know me know that I live and die by lists. At any given moment I have approximately 294857392 lists somewhere in my house or office. However, what I am about to write are not resolutions...more like gentle nudges, reminders, and suggestions for when I start to falter a bit. This might get to be a long blog. Now would be a great time to grab a snack. Or an adult beverage. I recommend Swedish Fish and Ketel One + pineapple. Mmmm...

1. Health. So 2008 was the year of the near-death medical malady. And while most of what happened was completely out of my control, there are some things that I need to get UNDER control in order to ensure that I stay relatively healthy this year. We don't need to go into detail. But if I intend on making anything happen this year, I can't keep doing what I'm doing.
2. I started grad school this year, which was a great decision. However, I have become the Princess of Procrastination since then, which is not good. I wait until the last possible moment to get things done, and then make myself crazy for a few days, and then I don't think about it again until my next deadline. If I'm serious about writing, which I am...I need to focus better on it. My manuscript really needs to take some kind of shape over the next year if I ever want to get anything done with it.
3. Ironically, one of my co-workers came in this morning, and we were talking about our jobs. She said to me, "You're just meant for so much MORE than this...you don't want to get stuck here." It's true. I need to find some balance between safety (because realistically now is not the time economically to be jumping ship into some unstable job market) and happiness. I think a lot of times we don't know what's going to make us happy until we find it...but I need to pay more attention to those signs. I think school is going to help a lot with that. But in the meantime, I need to make some kind of a change.
4. I love my friends. I need to remember to tell and show them how much I appreciate and love them. The same thing goes for my family.
5. My brain is a little jumbled right now. Most of it is just because I've let it get to the point where I worry all day about absolutely everything. I've become much more critical, and that's not like me. This is probably the most important thing I need to do this year...organize my silly little brain! I need to not worry so much about what could or might happen, and focus more on all the great things that ARE happening. My heart is actually a really smart little organ. I should try to trust her more.

I think that's about it! I'm sure there's more I can do, and the biggest part of it is to not be afraid of change. Change is good, it's necessary, and wonderful things happen because of it. I blogged about that before! And 2008...I apologize for calling you a cunt earlier. I learned a lot of things from you, and those are lessons I'll be able to keep for many years. Until I wake up one morning 70 years from now suffering from dementia and can't remember where my own toes are...but until then, thanks. I'll be blogging tomorrow (or the next day) about the things I learned I think. That ought to be enlightening. And some nice things happened in 2008...nothing's ever all bad.

Fun pictures, right? I had a rockin' New Year's Eve. Like Dick Clark style but BETTER.

Dove

2009-01-07T08:48:00.002-05:00

I keep meaning to publish a post having to do with 2009, my resoultions, the awesome New Year's Eve I had...you know. The standard "Suck it 2008/How YOU doin 2009" blog post that people need to do. However, when presented with the task of actually WRITING said blog post, I feel all kinds of pressure (from myself and my own crazy head) to make it perfect. Like somehow this blog has taken the form of two stone tablets on Mount Sinai, and if I post a resolution here and break it I might be cast into hell forever. Soooo...that'll happen eventually!

Meanwhile, feast your juicy little eyeballs on THESE videos. I'm a big supporter of Dove in general, and these videos speak volumes. So if you're wandering aimlessly around the store and trying to decide between Dove and Secret deodorant, or Dove and Caress body wash (I prefer Victoria's Secret for that, but whatever) perhaps these might encourage you to purchase from a company that's trying to change things up a little bit in our media...before too many little girls become victims, and we lose an entire generation to eating disorders, plastic surgery, masochism, pain, and "perfection."

Nanny

2008-12-27T15:37:00.003-05:00

Awhile ago I posted a blog about a Renaissance Festival that I did at a nursing home in Harrisburg. To better understand this, you might want to click here and read it.

In any case, my grandfather passed away today. To be clear, he wasn't my biological grandfather. But he married my Nanny 40 years ago, so he's been there since long before I was born. We've known for a few days that this was going to happen, so it's sad...but not out of the blue. The worst part is my Nanny...my grandfather went into the hospital to have surgery six weeks ago...and so she went into an assisted living place until the surgery was over. It was just supposed to be a short visit. And now she'll never be able to go home again. He was the one who took care of her.

I can't understand what that must feel like. My parents have taken her to see him in the hospital over the past few weeks, and she just sat there holding his hand and crying, telling him how she cries herself to sleep every night. Honestly, I think that one of my personality traits that has always been my strongest asset and also my biggest curse is my feeling of empathy. I spend all my time wondering what other people must be thinking or feeling, and while I don't understand a lot of things in life (math, politics, how to work the Blackberry Storm) I really do understand people. It's why I just can't bring myself to say the mean things I sometimes think about people, because then I'd spend the next two weeks imagining how it must have hurt them.

And so now I'm just trying to imagine what it must be like...to be 80 years old, having spent your whole life creating this world for yourself, only to have it ripped out from underneath you in a matter of days. She must be terrified. And it reminds me that especially now that she'll be living somewhere completely new and foreign to her, that I need to visit her more than I do. I need to send her more cards. When I was in the hospital for two months in college, I got a card or package from her literally EVERY day that I was there.

If you still have your grandparents, go spend time with them. I know how freaked out I get about growing older...turning 30 and having the world ahead of me is scary. It doesn't even compare to turning 80 and having know idea what's ahead. But if you love people, tell them. If you miss people, visit them. When it really comes down to it, all we have is each other.

xoxo

Fishes

2008-12-21T18:50:00.003-05:00

The Boy and I went to the Baltimore National Aquarium yesterday. I was so excited. I mean seriously friends, it doesn't take much. I was bouncing in the passenger seat of his car on the way there. Literally. I love the aquarium! I love fish, water, all of it. I've been drawn to water ever since I was little, and I'm always happier when I'm near it. I feel like I should get a fish and a fun little tank for my apartment, but I've never had great luck with that. But really, I'm 28 now. One would hope I could keep a small fish or two alive. I digress. As always.

But I had so much fun! We saw many turtles, and dolphins, and sharks, and sting rays. I learned new fun facts that I can spout off at inappropriate times. Like that a 6 foot electric eel can give off up to 800 volts of electricity...enough to stun a man. I know I'd be stunned. I know Buttercup was almost stunned when she jumped out of Vizzini's ship...good thing Fezzik was there to scoop her up. After all, he only dog paddles. Again, I digress. I need to try to stop that!

I don't really have anything prolific to say about the aquarium adventure except that I was so happy we went! And that I want to get a fish. Probably two fish. I'd hate for anyone to be lonely. I'd also like to mention that I am about to explode with excitement about Christmas and New Year's this year. 2008 was kind of a raging bitch, and I'm happy to see her depart. 2009 is shaping up to kick some serious ass.

xoxo

Winter

2008-12-09T08:23:00.002-05:00

Dear Winter,

So, we meet again. I rather thought that after the stern talking-to I gave you last year about your arrival that you would be too much of a pussy to come back. But noooo...not you. You just prance into my life without a care in the world, with your bitter wind and cold temperatures and ugly snow. Some people might be fooled by the snow part, but I'm on to you. After a treacherous drive to MD this past weekend, amidst your frigid conditions and accident upon accident, I'm wise to your schemes. However, I'd like to thank my mother for her minute-by-minute weather updates (we should all stop mocking her for her Weather Channel addiction) and The Boy for rescuing me from a K-Mart parking lot and claiming that my paralyzing snow fear was "sweet" and not "completely retarded."

So, Winter, game on. Bring it. I dare you. I don't think you're at all aware that I don't plan to be in your clutches again next year if you dont back the f off this year. And you underestimate how adorable I look in hats. It looks as though you and I are going to be at odds yet again. I plan to write a strongly worded letter to your supervisor about this.

Just TRY to fight me when I'm in West Palm Beach. Just try! You should go back to your home on Whore Island.

Bitch.

Love always,
Sara

Tudors

2008-12-04T08:27:00.002-05:00

I'd like to thank Showtime DVDs for my latest history lesson. I started watching The Tudors about three weeks ago. I was astounded by all of the things that I didn't know about European history, as well as how similar I am to some major historical figures.

Things I didn't know:
1. Since the internet had not yet been invented, people filled their time by having sex. Lots of sex. All the time. With everyone. Everywhere.
2. Kings love to yell. They also love to tell people that they are the king. In case the crown didn't give it away.
3. King Henry VIII had some seriously hot friends. Why didn't I learn about Charles Brandon in my history class? I bet I would have paid attention instead of passing notes.
4. Women clearly don't wear undergarments of any kind. This made #1 significantly easier. Kings, on the other hand, apparently wore boxers.
5. What to do if you're being plowed from behind by Hottie McHotpants and your angry father walks in? Keep plowing, bitch.
6. Even back then, the gays were much more romantic and fabulous than the straights.
7. The Tudors loved foreshadowing. Example: Henry dancing with Anne, says "I love your neck." HA!
8. Anne Boleyn was really good at holding out. However, throw her on a horse, take her into the woods, throw her up against a tree, and her resolve is GONE. Can't say I blame her.
9. Religious people are very, very tricky. They speak many languages, they lie a lot, and they love wearing red. They too enjoy the sex.
10. If you don't like your husband, the best thing to do is to smother him. Then jump on a ship with a way hotter guy.

Rules

2008-11-23T20:19:00.003-05:00

"Let's go over the ground rules. Rule number one--no touching of the hair or face. AND THAT'S IT!"
~ Ron Burgandy

So I spent a lovely part of the weekend visiting The Boy. We decided to go on a little cinematic adventure, and take in the movie Role Models. Since the fancy theatre in town had absolutely absurd showing times, we decided to go to a slightly more ghettofied movie theatre in a local mall. As we entered the mall, I noticed a list of rules. I was intrigued. A mall with rules? Genius! I insisted that we stop and review them.

1. No hood wearing
2. No hanging out
3. No one 16 and under allowed without a parent or guardian 21 or older
4. No skateboarding healies or bike riding on mall property
5. No bad language
6. Please keep your cell phones/iPods very low
7. Pants are to be worn around the waist

I don't think I need to explain to anyone who knows me how brutally amused I was by this list. I basically almost peed my pants laughing. I could write a whole separate blog analyzing and mocking these rules...and I might at a later time. No hanging out??? It's a mall! Who enforces these rules? Little nuns with rulers scurrying around and smacking the fingers of perpetrators who might be "hanging out?" And since when do iPods make noise that other people can hear? I digress. I did, however, insist on having my picture taken with the rules.

I also realized that if this little skanky mall can have a list of rules at their entrances, I should probably have my own list of seven important rules for my own house. I can post them on my door, that way people know what they're getting into before they come over. I might even hire a nun to be my bouncer. I've put some thought into this, and here's what I've come up with so far. These are subject to change at my discretion at any time. I also do not feel the need to explain or justify any of these rules.

1. No Payless shoe wearing.
2. No poor grammar or making up your own words. Making up words is only acceptable if the aforementioned words are witty and/or make the majority of the people in the house laugh.
3. Please bring presents. If you do not have a present, please be prepared with a hilarious joke.
4. Shirts, shoes, pants, underpants, and socks are all optional. Deodorant is not.
5. Singing and/or instrument playing is encouraged.
6. No yelling or whip cracking. This is especially important at parties where I might get evicted. Oh...a note on the whip cracking. Whip cracking INDOORS is perfectly acceptable under controlled circumstances.
7. No spending copious amounts of time on the phone and/or text messaging with someone who is not present. This is especially true if said person is a douchebag.

Yay.

xoxo

Stardust

2008-11-14T15:12:00.003-05:00

"A philosopher once asked, 'Are we human because we gaze at the stars, or do we gaze at them because we're human?' Pointless, really. 'Do the stars gaze back?' Now THAT'S a question..."
Stardust

How is it that I'm just NOW hearing about the movie Stardust? I took today off from work, and upon going shopping, going to the gym, and other general frivolity, I decided to watch this movie, which I hadn't really heard of before. I'm not going to lie...Michelle Pfeiffer, Claire Danes, Ian McKellan, Robert DeNiro, Ricky Gervais, funny ghosts who remind me a whole lot of the old guys in The Muppets, unicorns, green fire, magic, stars (and dust, apparently)...it's not really a brilliant script, but I am thoroughly entertained. Just needed to throw that out there. I'd also like to say that as much as I love the stars, I'm really glad that I'm not one. If I were to start glowing every time I got happy about something, there would be a serious problem. I bet it would be pretty though!

Earnest

2008-11-11T08:17:00.007-05:00

"I never change. Except in my affections."
Gwendolen, The Importance of Being Earnest

The wonderful Lauren Rees, Nick Hughes, and ME as Cecily, Chausuble, and Gwen. I love Victorian people in front of televisions.

This weekend, I learned that Oyster Mill Playhouse in Camp Hill is putting up The Importance of Being Earnest, possibly my favorite play ever written. A few years ago, I had the opportunity to play Gwendolen, and it was possibly one of the most amazing productions I'd ever been in. Fantastic cast, amazing director, just an all around wonderful experience. So, when I heard that Oyster Mill was doing it, I threw reason aside and ran up to audition on a whim.

Callbacks were last night, and I wasn't able to attend. I had to work, and honestly the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it might not be my wisest plan to do that show again. I was so lucky to have such a phenomenal time with it the first time around. And I relatively recently had the unfortunate experience of seeing a fairly wretched production of it (a few key elements aside) and all I could remember thinking was, "Dear God, thank you for giving me MY Earnest, and not this stage-dwelling disaster." Not that the entire production completely blew. I was just jaded. Additionally, this theatre is in Harrisburg, and with work, school, and life (you know...my friends, boys, parties, other shows I want to do, murder mysteries, and that great game with the spinny thing in the middle) I'm not 100% sure I could commit the time. In any case, I didn't make it to callbacks.

Around 10:00 p.m. last night, the director called me to offer me the role of Gwendolen...which is exactly what I'd wanted. How did I swing that without even going to callbacks? Was I THAT good? Or was everyone else THAT bad? So now I'm not sure what to do. I seriously don't think I have the time to commit to it...but I love the show. I also don't know anything about Oyster Mill. So I'm torn. I would appreciate advice and/or thoughts on this matter!

And just another quick jaunt down memory lane...here's me, Eric (our director) and Lauren backstage before opening night...I get so nostalgic and happy when I think about this show!

xoxo

Vote

2008-11-04T14:22:00.002-05:00

Do it, bitches. If you don't want to listen to me, listen to Sarah Silverman. She's much funnier than I am, and also more famous. Although to be honest, I am kind of a local celebrity. I'm very important...in York, Pennsylvania. Awesome.

The Great Schlep from The Great Schlep on Vimeo.

Mania

2008-10-31T17:23:00.003-04:00

Holy shit. I am so excited. I mean, SO EXCITED. I'm like Jesse Spano from Saved By the Bell on caffeine pills before the big performance. Don't you even pretend you don't know what I'm talking about.

I haven't been this excited in a really long time. I blame a few things. One of them is a giant buttface who sucks the fun out of life. The other is the lack of alcohol in my life for the past few months. And even though I still can't drink, I'm SO EXCITED!

So it's Halloween. And so much fun is going to be had this weekend. Tonight the boy is coming (yay!) and we're going to a party at Kate's. This party will then depart to 2nd Street in Harrisburg for what is bound to be a rousing good time. There will likely be lots of crazy people running all around, and that is fantastic.

Tomorrow I'm doing a show, which is good because I'll get money. I like money. When I have it, that is. When I don't, we're bitter enemies. Then, just about everyone I know and love is coming out to Bube's Brewery for an evening of mayhem and debauchery. I LOVE THOSE THINGS! Especially when they are partners.

Now, in more serious news, I will be turning off my phone starting at 7:00 p.m. this evening. I will not be turning it back on until 7:00 p.m. on Sunday. Please read my prior entry for more details about this event. That is a much more grave thing...but it will be interesting fodder for the essay that I'm going to be Pulitzer Prize winning. So please leave me messages on my phone letting me know that you love me even though I will not be able to respond immediately.

Yay.

Affair

2008-10-26T21:34:00.002-04:00

I am involved in a very serious, very passionate, incredibly torrid love affair. We spend literally every waking moment within arm's reach of each other, and every night we rest contentedly with our faces several inches apart. Oh yes...the passion that exists between myself and my cell phone is unmatchable. I will, however, admit to being almost as in love with my laptop. But my laptop doesn't fit so snugly in my pocket (or sitting in my bra on vibrate if I'm out somewhere loud...this would be where the physical intimacy gets exciting.) Some call it an obsession, but I prefer to think of it as a glorious romance. I get angry it, I've carelessly tossed it aside, it frustrates me...but every ounce of pain becomes worth it as soon as I hear those beautiful digital chimes letting me know that someone has text messaged me. Or that someone is calling me. Or perhaps I've even gotten a picture message. Oh yes...it's hot.

As most of you know, I'm currently in grad school pursuing my MFA in Creative Writing Nonfiction. I have a piece that will be due for my classmates in about a week, and I thought that an intriguing experiment to write about would be to turn off my cell phone and unplug my laptop for 48 hours. I'll pause and give you a moment to think about the implications this might have for me. Me...the girl who can text at the speed of light, who probably receives 10 e-mails, 20 phone calls, and possibly over 100 text messages every day. The girl who gets concerned voice mails left for her if she doesn't pick up her phone. Ok, now that you've hopefully digested the severity of this experiment, I'll give you another moment to laugh at me.

So, I've spent the past month trying to figure out what weekend would be the best weekend in which to unplug myself. The issue...I couldn't find a weekend! I couldn't stand the thought of not waking up to "good morning" text messages from the boy or falling asleep to "xoxo" lit up brightly on my screen. However, after a month of trying to plan a weekend, I finally settled on this past one. Sadly, it didn't pan out. It worked for a few hours, until I got to the Open House I had to run on campus Saturday and realized that 40 of my students were relying on being able to text me throughout the program with questions and to get directions. So I gave up before I started. I think Freud would have something to say about my subconscious here, but I'm going to ignore that.

What I think I'm going to have to do is run this experiment during the week. I'll have to leave my cell phone off and unplug my laptop...and during work hours only answer my work phone and check my work e-mail. There's got to be a way to disable gmail, right?

I'm still completely panicked. But alas, I'll move forward. It's for the sake of art, right? And to test my sanity...but hopefully I'll look back on this and laugh!

xoxo

Halloween

2008-10-20T12:00:00.002-04:00

"I can't help it. I can resist everything except temptation."
~Oscar Wilde

Why yes...I HAVE been missing lately! And yes, it is because I joined the circus. Trapeze artistry has always been a penchant of mine. But I'm back now...apparently you have to have some kind of "experience" or "talent" to join the circus. They're not nearly as welcoming as you'd expect.

But in semi-related news...can I just tell you how excited I am for Halloween this year? Here are some reasons that are birthing this excitement:

1. I have an awesome costume idea for once (albeit a rather whorish one...but it's not gratutitous. The whorish nature of this costume is just how it has to be.)
2. I have persuaded several people to dress up WITH me, thus making my costume make sense.
3. There is to be a night of spooks and spirits and festivities, and we all know I love a good party!
4. Did I mention that my costume is way hot?
5. The candy corn is in its Halloweenish abundance.

That might actually be all. But aside from my usual lunacy, I'm very excited about certain things that are happening in life right now. Halloween is just one of them.

Vague? Me? Rubbish.

xoxo

Desiderata

2008-09-19T09:36:00.005-04:00

by Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for there will always be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreaams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Dreams

2008-09-16T14:34:00.002-04:00

"Nonsense, now and then, is pleasant."
~Horace

It's definitely possible that dreams are just our mind's way of entertaining us while we sleep. Because honestly, maybe our subconscious gets bored at night. However, I really don't think that's true. I would instead prefer to believe that our dreams are our subconscious' way of cluing is into things that we're too stupid to be aware of while we're awake. I do not, however, believe that dreams predict the future. That's just absurd. You'd need a really talented psychic and at least $9.95/minute for those kinds of shenanigans. So, with that in mind, let me tell you about two dreams I've had recently. I'd like to detour for a minute to tell you that I crack myself up with the fact that I remember my dreams so well. They're also usually really vivid. I find that this makes me more interesting, which is something I always like to be.

DREAM ONE:
This dream was really short. I was sitting in my bedroom, and a little frog jumped out. And I was like, "Hey...why is there a frog in my bed?" So I caught him and held onto him for a little while, and then he hopped away. Then a cat came out and chased him, and I was like, "Hey...why is there a cat in my room?" And then I woke up. And I looked up "frogs" in a dream dictionary, and here is what a frog is supposed to symbolize:

To see frogs leaping in your dream, may indicate your lack of commitment. You have the tendency to jump from one thing to another. Alternatively, it may suggest that you are taking major steps toward some goal

I mean...come ON. Have you MET me lately?

DREAM TWO:
I was walking out of my house to go to work, and a teeny little kitten stopped me and wanted me to adopt it. But I didn't want to adopt it. I did like it though, and I found it to be very cute, so I didn't want it to leave...I just wanted it to keep coming around. So I went and got it a bowl of milk. You know, to entice it to stick around even though I was unwilling to adopt it. Then I tried leaving for work, and the kitten started bitching at me. That's all.

I did not need a dream dictionary to explain this one to me.

I feel that these dreams have more in common than just the appearance of a cat. I'm not even all that into cats. But I also think that while dreams aren't things you should live your life by, it may not be a bad idea to give them some thought. I mean, don't dwell. Don't lose sleep over them (ha!) But think of them as little landmarks on your trip through your days.

Birthday

2008-08-21T08:42:00.000-04:00

Hair

2008-08-10T12:13:00.002-04:00

"Now, isn't this better than sitting at a table? A girl hasn't got but two sides to her at the table."
~Scarlett O'Hara

Things that are likely to happen to you if you get your hair semi-drastically cut:

1. You will be able to run faster. Seriously, I was running 5.4 mph at the gym, and now I'm running 5.7. Not quite fast...but fastER!

2. Hot guitar players from the band you saw out at the bar will fall instantly in love with you.

3. Your creative brain cells will be inspired and electrified. Essay and manuscript ideas will start to throw a dance party in your head.

4. Approximately 7 people will crawl out of absolutely nowhere and ask you out. You should be prepared for this, lest it becomes overwhelming and weird.

5. You will have more energy. Perhaps my lethargy was secretly hidden in the ends of my hair, and now that they're gone, I can stay up later and be way more fun!

6. You may feel inspired to take on other new initiatives, such as hiking or boating. You will also be compelled to travel more.

So, in short, if you are thinking of cutting your hair, I would be an advocate for that. I've been scared to cut mine for a long time, because I'm a pussy when it comes to my hair, but I kind of love it.

(If you missed the secret message encoded in this blog, I'm going to spell it out for you. Don't be afraid of change. Live your life. And then love the life you live. If nothing ever changed, there wouldn't be any butterflies. Also, the world would be a boring f-ing place to live.)

xoxo

Dance

2008-07-27T14:07:00.000-04:00

No one dances anymore.

Yesterday I spent my afternoon doing a Renaissance Faire at a beautiful nursing home in Harrisburg. It was open to the public as a fund raiser, but at some point througout the day, the residents were brought out onto the sprawling grounds to participate. As we were about to start teaching the Renaissance dances, I asked the gentleman with whom I had been speaking if he wanted to join us.

"No, no. My dancing days are over. My wife passed away two years ago, and we used to dance all the time. We were married for 62 years, so I think I've had my fair share of dances."

He talked to me for awhile about his wife, and how they'd moved into the nursing home when she fell ill, selling their house and belongings to afford it.

It reminded me of an instance a few weeks ago when I went out with some friends to listen to a blues singer. During her set, a couple in their mid-eighties stood up and began to dance. They moved so rhythmically, and were so synchronized, and it was one of the most beautiful things I'd seen in a long time. My friend leaned over and whispered, "How long do you think they've been dancing like that?"

I had tears in my eyes. "Forever," I replied.

I used to be so scared of falling in love and being in a relationship, because I thought it meant that I'd have to sacrifice part of myself, and give up my freedom. And then later I thought it was about waiting for a feeling where your heart would pound in anticipation of seeing that other person again. You know...being swept away. But I honestly think it's a whole lot more simple than that.

It's about being 80 years old, and having someone to dance with.

Voice

2008-07-25T10:52:00.001-04:00

I think I've lost my voice.

Correction...I'm not completely sure that I ever really had it to begin with.

I don't really know how often I ever say exactly what I'm thinking. I don't know if I'm ever completely honest with anyone. And I don't know if I know how to fix that.

Somehow, without realizing it, I've been trained to make other people happy, to appease other people, and to stifle thoughts and words that might be upsetting to hear. It's to the point that I don't even realize I'm doing it until someone else points it out to me. If I'm telling a story about a conversation I've had, I'll express how I felt to the person, and they'll frequently say, "But did you SAY that out loud, or did you just think it?" And the truth is, I didn't even know I was thinking it at the time. I was just so focused on saying the right thing.

Too many times I find myself dissatisfied with conversations or encounters I've had because I don't feel like I've accomplished anything. The other major complication is that I am something of a social chameleon...which is probably why people are so quickly drawn to me. It's not that I change my morals or beliefs, but I'm exceptionally skilled at knowing what other people want from me. And I do a good job giving it to them. Meanwhile, I fear I might be doing myself a serious injustice. It also leads to me being frustrated with my friends and family for something that isn't their fault. How can they know they're upsetting me when all I do is manipulate my words to make them feel justified?

I'm not sure how to fix this...but I do believe it's probably lurking at the root of the other problems that have been resurfacing for me lately. After a ten-year hibernation, apparently they've decided to wake back up and kick me in the shin. So I'm going to be trying to figure that out. Please don't be offended if I seem more abrasive or less pleasant. I'm just trying to hear my voice.

"My scream got lost in a paper cup.
Do you think there's a heaven where some screams have gone?
I've got twenty-five bucks and cracker, do you think it's enough
To get us there?

Cause what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his with her name still on it?
Hey, but I don't care 'cause sometimes, I said sometimes
I hear my voice, and it's been here.
Silent all these years."
~Tori Amos

Gecko

2008-07-23T19:28:00.000-04:00

I would just like to say that I think my life would be much better off if I had a talking gecko. Actually, any gecko would do. Or a Chinese bearded dragon.

I think what I'm saying is that I want a lizard. A lizard would really spice things up.

That is all.

Come ON...how cute is he? I would probably name him Oskar.

xoxo

Retraction

2008-07-09T07:20:00.001-04:00

I need to publish a semi retraction. Our rehearsal last night went REALLY smoothly, and everything seemed to work out pretty well. I'm back to thinking that the show might turn out well. We have an audience tonight, so I guess we'll actually find out about that tonight!

If you're someone who reads these, I think it would be a good idea for you to plan on coming to see the show!

xoxo

Angels

2008-07-08T12:42:00.000-04:00

Oh no.

The show I'm working on currently, City of Angels, is about to open. We open Thursday, to be exact. We have a preview tomorrow night. Then we have an audience. Last night was the first dress rehearsal with the pit, and we have one more tonight. To any of you who are mathematically challenged, that adds up to a grand total of TWO dress rehearsals. Peculiar. I have two items to address. One is a list of issues that I'm having with this endeavor, and the second is an extraordinarily funny conversation I had with my director. I like to let you all know what you'll be in for. Consider that your trailer for my blog.

Issues:
1. The cast is genuinely very talented as a whole, and it's possible that this fact is going to carry us.
2. However...currently we have the entire cast doing every single set change, which leads to a giant clusterfuck on stage. Actors are not good at doing anything other than acting. Especially large groups of them. We have no stage crew.
3. I'm already super nervous about my song...and since last night was the first night with the pit, I ended up like 2 beats ahead of them for much of it. Oh dear.
4. We had two outside observers watch the show last night, which was actually awesome because they were able to give us fresh insight on a lot of things.
5. Some of that insight has led me to believe that things are going to be changing...one night before we have an audience.
6. I'm working 10 hour days at work right now...so I'm up at 5:45, at work by 7:00, heading straight to Lancaster for the show, and getting home around midnight. I know I must have done this kind of thing before, I just don't remember it being so hard. I was hallucinating from pure exhaustion on my drive home last night.

The conversation with my director (at intermission):
He: You kill me, every single time.
Me: Why, because my song sucked?
He: No, because you're SO FUNNY. You're always thinking...I love people who are witty and can come up with things on the fly, and you always do that.
Me: Oh! It's because I do a lot of improv theatre.
He: You're fucking brilliant. But I'd never want to date you.
Me: What?? Why??
He: Because you'd scare me shitless. You're too smart.

Ha! He also went on to tell me that my song DIDN'T suck, it sounded great, but I needed to calm down and not rush it. I believe him, because he's been very blunt with everyone so far about what they need to fix.

All of that said, I'm actually very excited about the show. I'm freaking out about it possibly not coming together, but I think it will. Like I said, it's a very talented group of people, and I like that.

I am just SO tired.

Classic

2008-06-26T15:50:00.000-04:00

"I've found that there is always some beauty left--in nature, sunshine, freedom...in yourself. Look at these things, and then you find yourself again. Then you regain your balance."
Anne Frank

I was wandering through my campus library the other day, and decided to check out the "Give a Book/Take a Book" cart. Usually this cart is full of jewels like "Math for the Ages," or even better, "Paradise Love." Harlequin romance novels seem to congregate on this cart.

However, the other day I found "Anne Frank: Diary of a Young Girl." I read that in 8th grade, and remember being very moved. But I decided that it would probably be a good idea to grab it and read it again. So I did.

Whenever I read any book, I become completely immersed in it. I think about it when I'm not reading it. I invariably put myself in the narrator's place. It's almost like a mini obsession with which I grapple for as long as I'm reading. When you're reading the story of a small, spirited Jewish girl who is locked away and eventually ripped away from her family and killed in a concentration camp (sorry if I ruined the ending for you...but by the way...the Titanic sinks, Jesus ends up getting crucified, and Romeo and Juliet both committ suicide. Sorry again!) this makes for very thought-provoking days.

I'm not going to do a book report on Anne Frank. I'm not going to try to minimalize what is possibly the most culturally significant book of the 20th century (and written by a child!) with lots of adjectives and descriptions. What I am going to do is make a list of other classic books that I've read at one point or another that I think I should probably read again. I got so much more out of this book the second time around. Who knows what else is out there to be gotten!

1. Wuthering Heights
2. Sense and Sensibility
3. Beowulf
4. The Canterbury Tales
5. Dante's Inferno
6. Heart of Darkness
7. Great Expectations
8. To Kill a Mockingbird
9. Uncle Tom's Cabin

Any other thoughts??

xoxo

Purpose

2008-06-19T10:17:00.001-04:00

"We do not need magic to change the world, we carry all the power we need inside ourselves already; we have the power to imagine better."
JK Rowling

My co-worker came into work today with a present for me. Any day that starts out with me getting presents is bound to be a good day, regardless of my lackadaisical wake-up process this morning. It's called Awakening to Your Life's Purpose by Eckhart Tolle. It's about transcending our ego-based state of consciousness to find personal happiness. I'm not really into self-help books, which is surprising when you consider my constant struggle to better myself. I don't think that's what it is, though...and it actually seems interesting. It's called a "spiritual manifesto." I like manifestos. I also like things that are spiritual (as long as they're not stiflingly religious.)

Also, one of my students just came in and was talking about when she lived in England. She apparently lived in a farmhouse on the vicarage, and had peacocks in her yard. She also happens to be very tall and willowy, and extremely pretty. I think if Jane Austen were around, she'd want to write a book about her. To be clear, I am not a huge Jane Austen fan. I am a moderate fan. Some of her books are SO boring and stupid. Others are rather entertaining.

That's all.

xoxo

Brain

2008-06-17T12:40:00.000-04:00

Story

2008-06-02T11:37:00.000-04:00

I believe we write our own stories. And each time we think we know the end--we don't. Perhaps luck exists somewhere between the world of planning, the world of chance, and the peace that comes from knowing that you just can't know it all. You know, life's funny that way. Once you let go of the wheel, you might end up right where you belong.

Vintage

2008-05-15T21:47:00.000-04:00

I haven't had a lot to say here lately because I've been pouring my creative energy into the next great American novel. Just wait. I'm already planning what to wear on my book tour. Anyway, I was reading through an old journal...in college, I used to take this book with me everywhere. Anytime someone would say something interesting, or I'd hear a quirky song lyric, or I'd be inspired to write, I'd jot things down in here. I came across an old poem that I wrote.

My disclaimer is that this poem is NOT brilliant art. It's something I wrote when my brain cells were in serious hibernation, and I had passed through the state of Despair and right on into I Don't Care Land. It's nowhere close to being the most clever or beautiful thing I've ever written. Speaking as a critic, it's not great. But the sentiment was a good reminder for me about a road that I travelled once and that I'm not terribly inclined to travel again. It reminded me how empty I once felt...and that was bad. And while it's not good to dwell on the past, I do believe it's good to remember it so that we are not doomed to repeat it.

Awake but dreaming I lie
Lost in visions that no one sees.
Untouchable leads to unhurtable.
Awake but dreaming I cry
But dry tears can save my pride.
Kisses from ghosts don't burn.
Awake but dreaming I fly
Into arms that were never open,
And fall through a smoky embrace.
Awake but dreaming I'm tied
To the monster that I've created.
Terror feeds on a single thought
That awake but dreaming I'll die.

Karma

2008-04-15T12:07:00.000-04:00

"A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle."
~Anonymous

What do we all think about karma? Do you think it works in a way that if I do three bad things, three bad things will happen to me? Or if I do something really great, something really great will happen to me? I think that's the most common idea of how it works, but I don't think that's necessarily right. I think (and hope) that karma is much more general than that...because honestly, if there was a way for the universe to document and react to each of our actions, nothing else would ever get done. It would take too much time. I think that if someone is generally a good person, then generally good opportunities tend to come their way. Really, good opportunities probably come everyone's way...it's just a matter of who notices them.

Here is my current pickle: I agreed to work tonight, teaching classes, to substitute for someone else. I used to do this on a regular basis, but I was getting so exhausted and so busy that I wasn't reliable and I wasn't enjoying it. So I took some time off...but today I was sitting at work just dreading going to teach. I've been working a lot lately at my regular job (probably averaging about 50 hours/week) this month, and I'm just TIRED. I haven't had a free evening in weeks. And I actually have a lot to get done tonight. And so, perfectly honestly, all I want to do after work is go home, bake cookies, make macaroni and cheese, and pack for Florida.

So I emailed the director there this story which is really a big exaggeration on a smaller story. And I am suddenly overwrought with guilt. Even though I know that it would be better for me to just go home tonight, I can't help feeling incredibly selfish and mean and like the universe is going to punish me for it. I'm feeling compelled to go out and do something really good or nice or something to make up for it.

I really hope the world doesn't work like that. But this is a good reminder for me that while I am busy and stressed with work lately...at least I have a stable job. I have money...I'm healthy...I'm happy. And so I probably could afford to do more things for other people. I don't think anyone is responsible for for saving the world or anything like that. But if you CAN do something for other people, you probably SHOULD. This month, my life is really too busy to be able to do that...but I hope I can remember that when things calm down with work, and when I have more time, that I should take some of that time and give it to someone who needs it a little more than I do.

Doom

2008-03-26T16:00:00.000-04:00

I have the Doom Stomach! For anyone who doesn't know what this means, it's when you get that twisty little feeling in the pit of your stomach when you feel as though something terrible is about to happen. I get it now and then...sometimes something terrible DOES happen, and sometimes nothing happens (that I know of...it's quite possible that on the day of a prior Doom Stomach, poor Boudewijn from Brussels--yes, Brussels Belgium and YES, Boudewijn is a Belgian name--had some major catastrophe happen. Perhaps his tall stack of waffles that he was using to signal his forbidden lover Vanya had fallen, and Vanya never saw it or Boudewijn ever again.)

Regardless, I hate the feeling of impending doom. It makes me start to mentally prepare for all kinds of hypothetical calamities, which is never EVER a good idea. It just stresses me out and worries me, and I don't like either of those things. There's a definite possibility that it might just be physical...I might be tired, or hungry, or something like that, but we'll see. Like I said, the Doom Stomach isn't foolproof by any means.

I wonder if Indiana Jones felt like this on his way to the Temple. Probably not, that guy is so badass.

xoxo

Crying

2008-03-17T09:57:00.000-04:00

I love this man. It's funny BECAUSE IT'S SO F-ING TRUE. I have more to say about this at a later time. But seriously, watch this video. For now I would like to say:

1. Fuck you, computer and your FAILED message.
2. Fuck you, shoe rack with your tiny little compartments and your heavy nature.
3. Thank you, man who invented Guitar Hero. I am SO on medium now.
4. No Country for Old Men. Don't try to watch that movie starting at the halfway point. You'll end up being like "Whaaaa...?"
5. Thanks a LOT, Chanel aqua crayon in Very Black. Your claim to be waterproof really speaks loudly when it's smeared all over my face in squiggly little patterns.

Sonrisa

2008-02-28T12:57:00.000-05:00

"If you're teaching a yodeling class, I bet the hardest things to do is to keep the students from yodeling right off. You see, we build to that. " - Jack Handy

In case you were feeling blue, or just wondering in general, I'd like to make a list of things to be happy about. This is just a small list. There are a lot. Feel free to tell me more, and I'll add them to this list. It's very easy to look around and see what sucks, but I think it's a lot more fun to look around you and see what's awesome.

1. One day, many years ago, someone with incredible culinary and creative skill thought to him/herself, "I think I should take this peanut butter and mix it with...hmm. Potatoes? No. Hamburger? No. Wait...I've got it...JELLY! YES! I will mix this peanut butter with jelly and put it on two slices of bread!" And despite the mockery he/she probably faced from his/her contemporaries, he/she did it. And for that, my belly is thankful.

2. Pants. Pants are great. Especially when you find that pair of pants that fits you perfectly. You know the ones I'm talking about...they tickle your toes at just the right spot, they make your ass look like it could be an ass-model for Abercrombie and Fitch. And we all love a cute little skirt, or even a guy in a kilt but I for one am glad that someone decided to make a pair of pants. There are certain parts of me that have no desire to have such close contact with the winter.

3. Acrophobia. I do not refer to a fear of heights. In college, there was this online game with acronyms with which I was obsessed. It was challenging and fun and had they not taken the game down, I probably would have had to be committed to some kind of acronym rehab facility. Anyway, last night, I FOUND that game online! It has a new name...but still! I am so happy! It's full of clever and witty people, and I feel like once I up my game a little bit, I'll totally start winning it again. Although, as a precaution, if you start noticing my absence from important social outings or work or anything, please come and physically remove me from my laptop.

4. Swedish Fish. Gummy bears. Starburst jellybeans. Enough said.

5. Martial arts. I myself do not know any martial arts, but I'm very glad that there are people out there who do. However, if I were to get myself involved in any hand-to-hand scuffle, I'd like to think that my appreciation of the existence of martial arts would at least give me some kind of advantage. Besides, I'm scrappy.

6. Harry Potter. Let's face it. JK Rowling made half of the world care more about a fictional little boy than the politics of their own countries. I would bet that more people know the name of Harry Potter's two best friends (do YOU? You'd better or else I'm not sure why we're friends) than know the name of our current vice president. However, I'm very happy that Harry exists! I got to engage in many highly important discussions about good vs. evil and the moral character of Severus Snape, and it helped me get to know a lot of people better. It's kind of nice to have this one commonality that will excite almost everyone, but is also completely accessible to anyone.

7. Hugs. Don't laugh at me. Once upon a time, someone thought that the best way to show someone they cared would be to lock them into their arms. What a great idea! I would like to come up with something as smart as hugs someday. Who doesn't love to be hugged? They're good when you're happy, they're good when you're sad. They make you feel all cuddly and happy, and for as long as you're caught in the hug, things seem a little bit brighter. Go hug someone. Hugs not drugs.

8. Acid. I don't mean drugs. I mean the kind of acid that the Joker fell into to turn him into the Joker and start one of the epic battles of our time. The reason we should be HAPPY about it is because it reminds us that no matter how bad your day is going, it's nowhere near as bad as falling into a vat of acid and turning into an evil villain.

9. Your mom jokes. They're stupid. They usually don't make sense. They are often offensive and actually very inappropriate if you think about all the stuff that is implied about your poor mother! However, they make me laugh every single time. As long as they're well played, that is.

10. Learning stuff. Learning stuff is good, and if you think about it, you seriously probably do learn at least SOMETHING new every day. That's really quite an accomplishment! If you haven't learned anything new today, did you know that sonrisa means smile in Spanish? If you already knew that, you're out of luck. You'll have to find something new to learn on your own.

xoxo

Haze

2008-02-25T12:45:00.000-05:00

"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh." - Voltaire

So I'm having one of those days where I'm seriously wandering through life in a complete haze. Like a fog. I can't focus, I'm completely distracted...sometimes it just happens. It's also on these days that I decide to become a little philosopher and start making elaborate plans to turn myself into a better person. All of those nasty little insecurities and fears start demanding attention, I start missing all of my friends who are so far away...it's bizarre. The good thing about the haze days is that they're over pretty quickly, and it's not like I'm sad or depressed or anything. In fact, I'm relatively content (with the small exception of the student sitting in my office who is trying to engage me in a political debate by telling me about his love of guns and how violent video games are NOT desensitizing young people...I can't debate when I can't even focus), I'm just highly scattered.

So, how much of what you see in a person do you think is true? Honestly? I think lots of people are so good at hiding their vulnerabilities that sometimes they forget that they have them. I know I do. I've worked so hard to build up this pretty little wall that when it cracks a little bit, I'm always shocked. I know I'm a little bit of an environmental chameleon, and I think that's sometimes ok. I adapt to different situations really well...what I don't like is when people change their values, opinions, and actions based on the company they keep. That's not at all what I'm saying. But for the past 10 years or so, I've made a concerted effort to turn myself into the person I want to be, and I get worried sometimes that I'll forget to keep tabs on whether or not that person is completely real.

For instance...lately, for whatever reason, I'm getting hit on everywhere I go. I've gotten good at deflecting it, and then I laugh and tell the story to my friends...but honestly, I don't really like it. It kind of makes me uncomfortable. I'm not sure why. It just makes me nervous and weird-feeling. But instead of just SAYING that to them, I just laugh about it, which makes the situation worse because then they either think I'm flirting or laughing at them. Another example is my whole "forgotten" issue, which is not really important at this time.

In any case, I like the idea of bettering myself, but I think I sometimes need to relax about that. I also think that sometimes I'd like to thank the universe for helping me figure out when I'm doing this. I think I'm going back to my original plan of pursuing the MFA in Creative Writing Nonfiction...mostly because it somehow worked out that every counseling program I looked into was impossible. It was frustrating, but the more I think about it, the more I feel happy about the idea of teaching writing in college...because in a way, that might end up being a lot like counseling, and I'll be doing it with a population that I've already come to love.

That's all. And this is why I have a blog. Even though this entry had no point and was completely all over the place, I do feel a little bit more clear-headed.

xoxo

Exquise

2008-02-14T09:12:00.000-05:00

The French call it la douleur exquise. The exquisite pain. We've all got something that we know isn't good for us, but somehow we love it anyway. Everyone's got their heroin, that one thing they can't let go of. For some people, it's as simple as chocolate. For other's it's actually heroin. For me, it goes back about eight or nine years now.

I was talking to Cara, one of my best friends, last night. She has been struggling for years with a variety of things, and has been in and out of hospitals ever since I met her. Actually, I met her in a hospital. For the full backstory on that, click here. In any case, one of the things she has been having issues with lately is all eating disorder stuff...and she was so upset, because she kept saying that she was sure all that was behind her. The thing is, I'm not sure it's ever going to be completely behind any of us. Eating disorders have the highest fatality rate of any mental disorder. Statistically, 90% of people suffering from eating disorders never recover. When I left the hospital, it was because I had been there for two months, it was two days from Christmas, and I finally absolutely flipped out on the team of doctors, telling them there was no way I was staying there another day. The head doctor said, "You'll be back. If you go home now, there's no way you'll make it. You'll be back, or you'll die." I'm really proud of myself for never going back, and for finding my way to a happy life. That's not to say that the issues don't creep up now and then.

Every now and then, I just think it would be best to not really eat very much. It's simple. Even though I rationally see the problems with this pattern, I just can't help it from happening. And I snap out of it eventually. But now, for instance, when I recently had surgery, I legitimately lost any appetite for about three weeks. That made it really easy to continue to not eat nearly as much as I probably should. But (here comes the twisted part), I still kind of love the hunger feeling. It's still kind of a rush to get a little dizzy. It's kind of like a mental orgasm when people notice I've lost weight. And despite what people commonly think, it's not at all because I think I'm fat, or because I'm trying to look like a supermodel. I don't really think I need to lose weight.

What I said to Cara is that maybe this is something that will just happen every now and then for awhile. Generally speaking, I'm mentally very healthy. If this is the only thing I have issues with now and then, maybe I should consider myself lucky. I have absolutely no desire to go back to that horrible life I had when I was so sick, nor do I ever want to look as miserably thin as I did then. And eventually, I'll just get tired of it and start eating like a normal person again. I don't get worried, because I'm fully aware of everything.

I sometimes worry about posting things because it might make me sound a little crazy. But an eating disorder, in many ways, is a lot like depression or ocd. People who suffer from depression are aware that sometimes they might feel depressed...and that's ok, as long as they know how to manage it. Or people suffering from ocd might often be compelled to give into one of their obsessions...and that's ok, as long as it doesn't interfere with their daily life. For me...sometimes it's actually a GOOD thing when this happens. It alerts me that there is probably something in my life that is flying out of control...because when that happens, my eating is the first thing that suffers. It's the one aspect of my life over which I have full control. But now I can start trying to fix whatever it is that is causing it...and in the end, I'll probably end up a much healthier, calmer, and content person.

xoxo

Suspicious

2008-02-05T08:58:00.000-05:00

"If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine." Jack Handey

Some things that I learned in elementary school, but just don't buy:

1. "That's going on your permanant record!"
What permanant record? I've never seen it. Am I to assume that my follies and mishaps are still being recorded somewhere? That's what permanant means. IF such a thing ever existed, who was in charge of updating all of these permanant records? And who used them? Maybe that's why I've never been selected to work as a Goodwill Ambassador for the United States. Too much note-passing in grade school. Frankly, I'm afraid I just don't believe it exists. It's a good threat, though.

2. "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."
My friend Cara says "If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit next to me." Todd says "If you only have nice things to say all the time, you're probably boring and I don't want to hang out with you." Both of those things make me laugh way more than the original idea.

3. Colors
Don't get me wrong. I believe in colors. But in science class, they told us that colors are colors because of the way they reflect off of the color spectrum. I disagee. Something is red because it is inherently RED. Not because of its reflection. If that was the case, red would be a different color depending on the lighting. Now, their "explanation" works well to justify why the sky is blue, or why the ocean is blue...but it really doesn't work for man-made objects. I tried to argue this in 5th grade, but no one would listen. I'm pretty sure the scientific community simply doesn't like to admit when it doesn't know something.

4. The ocean vs. space
Some teacher actually had the audacity to tell us that we have explored more of space than we have of our own ocean. Impossible. The last time I checked, space is infinite. The ocean is not. There is a definite known capacity to the ocean. Now, perhaps they were saying that we have explored more mileage in space than we have in the ocean, but that's because the ocean is WAY SMALLER than space! Percentage-wise, we have definitely gotten to more of the ocean than space. You can't explore any percentage of space EVER, because no one knows what 100% actually is. By virtue of the statement, we have definitely explored more of our ocean.

5. Gravity
Again, I totally believe in gravity. Obviously there is something pulling us downward. However, people on the other side of the earth are upside-down. I know that it's all about perpective, and to them they are right-side-up, because the ground is below them, and that's how things should be. But, compared to me, they are upside-down. Their heads are pointing in a different direction than mine. I tried to explain this one to a science teacher once too. I even drew a diagram of the earth. They refused to agree that, from our perspective, those people are upside-down. I even used the word "perspective."

That's all I have to say for right now. Clearly, I should never be a scientist.

xoxo

Update: Please know that I do not claim to know anything about science. I just like to reflect on things...and never take me seriously! Someone just tried to have an ACTUAL argument with me based on the "color" issue. When someone starts a blog with a quote from Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey, chances are they understand their own ridiculousness!

Worms

2008-01-31T09:26:00.000-05:00

"We are all worms, but I do believe I am a glow worm." Winston Churchill

I don't hate my job. In fact, I rather enjoy it on most days. I get to hang out with college students all day, I travel a lot, and I am almost never terribly overcome with job-related stress. I love my students, and the fact that on any given day about a dozen of them will sporatically stop in my office for any variety of reasons: relationship advice, academic counseling, non-academic counseling, or just a hug. I'm a great hugger.

That said, I really really wish I didn't have to work. Because I wouldn't. I wouldn't abstain from work in a Paris Hilton-esque kind of way. I just feel that if my time wasn't spent sitting in an office all day, I could really do many more valuable things. I'm becoming more and more sure in life that what I'm supposed to be doing is helping other people with things...probably because somewhere along the way, someone was able to help me in a way that absolutely saved my life. Also, I honestly understand people pretty well. I'm a smart girl, but I'm not a genius. I hate doing math. But I understand things, and I'm able to make sense of things in a way that I don't think everyone can.

So, here is my list of things I'd like to do when/if the time ever comes that I don't have to work. A side note is that should I ever end up having children, that time will come. I'd want myself or my husband staying home with them at least until they went to school. Call me antiquated, but children are impressionable, and I want to be the one responsible for those impressions!

Anyway, the list:
1. Volunteer at an inpatient psych unit, probably with adolescents, as a counselor.
2. Volunteer at the Women's Shelter, again...probably as a counselor.
3. Go to grad school full time.
4. Learn how to surf. This would involve many trips to places like Waikiki or Fiji.
5. Travel...probably to Greece, England, Japan, and Australia to start.
6. Become a licensed pilot. I'm sure people would trust me to fly them places.
7. Teach swimming lessons more than once a week.
8. Try to break a world record, like for the longest game of Uno ever played or something.
9. Actually focus on auditioning for shows that I want to do...and then actually DOING them.
10. Learn how to speak French.
11. Finally finish the next great American novel. Prior to that, I should start writing the next great American novel.
12. Go skydiving. This is probably is going to happen soon whether or not I'm working.
13. Spend more time with people I should see more and don't...like my grandmother.
14. Volunteer with the Dove Campaign for Real Beauty.
15. Learn how to sail, and sail around the Virgin Islands for a bit. Not alone! That's a scary idea.

That's really all for now. I'm sure there are more, but that's a good start.

I love glow worms, by the way. Remember those? They were great!

Sunshine

2008-01-28T09:26:00.000-05:00

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.
Each prayer accepted, each wish resigned.
~Alexander Pope

Backstory: yesterday I had a minor nervous breakdown. Nothing horrible, just one of those moments where I absolutely start to panic and freak out that I'm not doing anything good or important with my life, that I'm never going to figure out what it is that I'm supposed to be doing, and that I'll ultimately end up alone, poor, and living in a duplex with a subscription to Reader's Digest and stray cats. I don't want to be someone who freezes out of fear that they'll fail. Or someone who just settles. I'm fine now. I was talked down by a very smart person, and spent the rest of the evening snuggled in bed reading The Kite Runner. Good book.

Anyway, that, as I mentioned, is the backstory for what I want to say. The actual story, is it would happen, is much more related to the idea of being someone who is so ultraconscious of everything versus being someone who is blithely unaware of anything. I do consider myself to be a fairly intelligent person, and because of that I sometimes wonder if I just think harder or think more than people who perhaps have gifts that lie elsewhere. On one hand, I do really tend to worry about things a lot, I spend a lot of time going over and over things in my head...and I might find myself less stressed out and more content if I didn't think so much about things. But honestly, I think the people who don't think are in fact the ones that tend to settle. The ones who accept life as it's handed to them instead of working to learn new things, try new opportunities, meet new people, etc.

So I think that, above anything else, makes me feel ok about having semi nervous breakdowns now and then. They really aren't fun, they make me all sorts of upset...but at the same time, they remind me that I'm still thinking, still looking to see what all I can get out of life, and not someone who will ever accept a life that's anything less than blissful.

Haphazard

2008-01-25T16:30:00.000-05:00

I'm sure everyone has a strong desire to read about the daily happenings of my life. Honestly. I have a lot of interesting things to say, thoughts to think, and generally amusing observations to make. Well, I amuse myself at least, and really...that's pretty much the most important thing. The person you will spend the majority of your life with is yourself, so you owe it to yourself to become as interesting as possible, that's what I always say. Or at least, someone important said that at one time.

Anyway, I don't have anything terribly important to say...I just wanted to mention that the purpose of this blog is to sort of untangle the haphazard little thoughts that get caught up in my head...and also to help me remember things. I am great at remembering things like lines in a show, or converstations I have with people. However, I am highly scatterbrained here and there, and writing things down tends to help with that. It also helps me to stay more focused, and not get lost in my little net of daydreams!

Also, I like quotes. And I want a better place to keep track of things that people say or things that I read. This should work, right? What I do NOT intend to do is keep a lovely little diary in which I use many emoticons and abbreviations, gush about my hopes and dreams, and/or gossip about people in my life by giving them clever nicknames. If you're interested in that, please help yourself to the abundance of literature out there aimed for such purposes...I'm thinking the whole "Shopaholic" series I keep hearing about!

xoxo

Oh! A quote. I am so done being sick by the way. SO. DONE.
"At times the world may seem a sinister and unfriendly place, but believe us when we say that there is much more good in it than bad. All you have to do is look hard enough. And what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events may in fact be the first steps in a journey."