Thursday, August 12, 2010


Dear LA Fitness,

I'm sorry I had to pass you this note rather than talk to you in person. But it's just too hard. I have so many emotions right now. I'm confused, I'm hurt, and you haven't been returning any of my text messages. And yet...I still keep running back to you, every day. What is this hold you have over me??

I know you already know what I'm upset about, but since you refuse to talk about it (you can be such a coward sometimes), and because I deserve the opportunity to express my feelings, I just need to let you hear this. On Tuesday, we were lifting weights, like we always do. We were SO HAPPY, LA. So happy. And suddenly, I felt a muscle pull in my neck. I know it's not your fault, and I don't blame you. But I just felt like you didn't care! You didn't ask how I was doing. You didn't seem concerned. And why do I feel like you were almost happy that I couldn't finish my lifting? Is it because you wanted some other, younger, prettier girl to lift with? And even though I've seen you every day since then, you haven't asked if I'm feeling better. I am...not that you care.

Just about twenty minutes after the muscle pull, we were running on the elliptical together--so carefree, making plans for the future. And suddenly, out of nowhere, the pedal fell off. LA...I could have been seriously hurt. But again, not a word from you.

You had to know I was upset, and maybe I'm overreacting, but it's just because I get so nervous when we fight. Are you going to leave me? Would you revoke my membership? Cancel spin classes? You're so unpredictable! But I guess that's what I love about you.

So where do we go from here, LA? You know I can't stay away. I could be tired, hungry, sick, or hurt, but you know I'll be there. Be honest--is there someone else? You've seemed distant, and I see the way those other girls wiggle around the gym in their teeny little shorts and overly sexualized exercise wear. Whores.

I'll be there again tomorrow. Can we talk?


Wednesday, August 11, 2010


This just in: August 2010 has recently been renamed Saramonth. By me, which is really all that matters. Also, the arsonist has oddly shaped feet. You know what I'm saying.

First of all, August is my birthday month! I am a Leo, because I know you were wondering. I also enjoy long walks on the beach and snuggling. Oh, and throwing underwear dance parties on my bed. But more than all of those things, I enjoy making lists, so the following is irrefutable evidence that this month is obviously mine:

1. I just graduated from grad school! More on that in my next blog post, because I have more to say about it. But for now, please know that I have my Master's degree, and with that degree have become infinitely smarter. I feel like I just know more things, have the capability to spout wise statements, can converse intelligently with scholars and's a good feeling. Also, having my Master's means a raise at work, which means I'm that much closer to being able to afford a giraffe.

2. I turn 30 this month. Probably most females would be in hysterics, but I'm kind of excited. Life seems to just get better as time goes on, so I can't even imagine what great things will happen in my thirties! Maybe I'll discover that AB is actually a duke/lord/prince/king of some unknown tropical (yet well equipped with a Tiffany's and a Sugar Factory) island so I can FINALLY marry into foreign royalty and rule over a small country.

3. We go to Jamaica in less than a week! I've never been to Jamaica. I hope I learn how to dreadlock my hair and put beads in it. I also hope I learn how to say "Mon" casually in conversations. But we're going to an all-inclusive, and I feel that it's going to be incredibly wonderful and relaxing.

4. My best friend Franny just informed me yesterday that she booked us a day at the Hershey Spa all day Sunday. I've wanted to go there forever, and now I get to spend the day with her (which we never do), take a chocolate bath (I may not like to EAT chocolate, but I sure do like the idea of bathing in it), use their gym (which sort of makes me feel like I'm cheating on LA Fitness, but LA was a giant douche to me the other day...we're kind of in a fight), have a facial, and get a manicure. It will prepare me nicely for Jamaica.

5. My parents got me a Macbook for my birthday/graduation. I'm not really sure HOW yet, but it makes me feel infinitely more fancy. Also, I like to skype people.

Is that all? I feel like it might be. But cheers to you, August/Saramonth. Here's hoping September doesn't come around and kick me in the face.