Friday, January 30, 2009


So Wednesday was a snow day. One of the oh-so-lovely perks of working for a college is that every so often, we get a pinch of snow, people lose their minds, and the campus closes down. Wednesday was one of those days.

I was very content for most of the day. I went to the gym, did some good solid sleeping, went to the mall...but by around 6:00 p.m. I found myself bored completely senseless. I realized quickly that I was in a crisis situation. Lost didn't start until I had three hours in which to occupy my ever wandering brain. The first hour found me donning a bright green mint julep mud mask, wearing frilly new underwear, a matching bra, red high heels, and putting on a Madonna concert for...well, potentially my neighbors. I prefer to think that it was only for my stuffed dog, Bagel. Also, being incredibly vain and incredibly bored, I snapped some pictures of this. They are not posted here.

I exhausted myself pretty quickly, and decided on a whim that what I really needed to make my life whole and complete would be a goldfish. So I put on clothes (although my previous attire might have been more entertaining) and went to the store and returned an hour later (and minus $60--goldfish/goldfish accessories are apparently expensive) with a little aquarium, some decorations, distilled water, and the two most adorable little fishies you can possibly imagine! In fact, you don't have to imagine them, because I'm including pictures. Their names are Titania and Oberon. Bonus points for you if you can catch that reference. Oh. I also bought Valentine's Day candy corn, because candy corn makes my mouth quiver with happiness.

So the moral of this story is that I love my fish! Their Auntie Christine wants to buy them teeny tiny little Gucci sunglasses so that maybe they'll be more photogenic. Also, it turns out that my facebook friends are more interested in my goldfish acquisition than just about anything else in my life.

The end.

"Sara, I want to go out, meet lots of boys, make out with many of them, have them tell me how beautiful and wonderful I am, make them want me, and then have them put their penis inside of me because that is the best way to show me just how much they want me."
~An entirely unrelated/incredibly amusing quote of the day by Franny.

I love my friends. I need to start quoting them more often.

Monday, January 26, 2009


So...I heart NY as much as the next girl. I've made lots of bold proclamations about how much I want to live there, and how I feel like I'd thrive culturally and creatively in such a diverse and wonderful place. I got to spend the weekend there for school this weekend, and got to spend my days in a corner conference room of the Flatiron Building (so cool,) and also got to learn some rough lessons at New York's School of Hard Knocks...for Sara.

How NYC Schooled Me Like a 3rd Grade Bitch
1. NY is expensive. Everyone knows's like the most expensive place in the country. However, I've learned over the past few years that I kind of LIKE the financial stability and comfort I've been able to create for myself. I spent the weekend worrying about money, and I hate worrying about money. I hate worrying about anything. Worry is lame. But I blew approximately $120 in transportation, food, tolls, etc. and have NOTHING to show for it. Do you know how many Dior Diorshow Blackout mascaras I could have gotten for that? You probably don't. It's 4.
2. Walking 20 blocks in 10 degree weather might be common practice for New Yorkers, but I don't like it. My face froze. When I finally got to where my friends were, I was NOT a happy camper. See attached picture. Before my fingertips and vocal chords froze to the point of nonuse, I called my mother, screeching "I hate New York!" I don't. But still.
3. Tara Herweg is a master of cartography the likes of which this world has never seen. She's a genius. However, even with her amazing directions (that I clutched in my hand like Lindsay Lohan clutches at her career) I discovered that I hate the subway. I hate the bus. There are many letters (R Train, L Train...) and many numbers (and we all know that I disagree with numbers on principle) and it smells bad, and people stare at you, I have to stand up a lot, I have to pay attention to things (I'm terrible at paying attention) and it still takes you like an hour to get from Queens to Manhattan. I've obviously used the subway before, but not as much as this weekend.
4. So I go to NY a lot. I would guesstimate that I've been there upwards of 100 times...because in college I thought that a credit card meant that I could afford anything, so I went like once or twice a month. But I go to MANHATTAN a lot. The borough is sort of frightening.
5. I actually did learn a lot at school. They were long days, but we made good use of our time. Just wanted to throw that in. I also learned, having nothing to do with NY, that I am going to have figure out a better system of time management than the one I used last semester. I have 50 pages of original work to write toward my thesis, a 20 page craft paper to research and write, 6 critical essays to do, and approximately 12 books to read this semester. Waiting until the night before they're due and then giving myself a near stroke trying to finish them just won't do!

In short, I obviously still think NYC is amazing. There is no place on earth that can feed your artistic hunger like New York. However...the New York I love is the one where I get to be the Princess of Manhattan, can afford to take a cab everywhere, live in a posh Upper East Side apartment with a doorman, go see Broadway shows every weekend, shop at Neiman Marcus in order to acquire the cutest outfit in which to prace about the newest club openings, and actually get to experience the city. In short, I learned that I'm a spoiled brat and that I'm kind of ok with that.

Oh. And I love Dave, even if he can't take a self portrait picture to save his life. And Tara, who is just awesome.

p.s. Go see Slumdog Millionaire. Immediately. I'm so serious, it's an astonishing film. And I don't astonish easily.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009


I just have one thing to say. And because I'm not entirely sure who all reads this blog, I feel like I need to be cryptic and slightly vague so as not to be offensive or vulgar!

So I love starfish, and not JUST because of the reason you think! They're beautiful little creatures, and there's a really good story about them. I'm going to include that at the end of this little blogular adventure. ANYWAY. Starfish rule. My point? It turns out that there are some things that rule even more than starfish. I'm just saying. It's an astounding and shocking discovery every single time!

The Starfish story, which is completely and utterly unrelated to this blog, but is inextricably linked to many of my personal philosophies:

A well known author and poet was working and vacationing on the southern coast of Spain. One early morning, he was walking along the beach - the sun was rising, the rain had ended, the rainbows were magnificent, the sea was calm. While enjoying the beauty around him, he glanced down the beach and saw a lone figure dancing about. Fascinated by this person celebrating the new day, he moved closer. As he drew nearer, he realized that the person was not dancing, but in one graceful motion was picking up objects from the beach and tossing them into the sea. He approached the young man and saw the objects were starfish. "Why in the world are you throwing starfish into the water?" "If the starfish stay on the beach, when the tide goes out and the sun rises higher, they will die," replied the young man as he continued tossing them out to sea. "That's ridiculous! There are thousands of miles of beach and millions of starfish. You can't really believe that what you are doing can possibly make a difference!" The young man picked up another starfish, and tossing it into the waves, said, "It makes a difference to this one."

Friday, January 9, 2009


Welcome 2009! Lovely to see you! 2008 was kind of a giant cunt (yes...I said it...I said cunt in my blog. There's no going back from here...) and so far you look absolutely breathtaking...have you had some work done?

I've decided that 2009 needs to be The Year of Change. It NEEDS to be. I really don't have a choice. I do an excellent job at treading water (I know that's a metaphor, but I really do tread water well...when I was teaching swimming lessons, I'd have to tread water AND hold large children afloat for about 2.5 hours a night) but that won't cut it anymore. I spend so much time worrying about my life, my future, if I'm making the right choices that I become almost paralyzed by indecision. I get so worried about making wrong choices that I fail to make any. And that's not the kind of person I want to be.

And so the following is a list. Because those of you who know me know that I live and die by lists. At any given moment I have approximately 294857392 lists somewhere in my house or office. However, what I am about to write are not resolutions...more like gentle nudges, reminders, and suggestions for when I start to falter a bit. This might get to be a long blog. Now would be a great time to grab a snack. Or an adult beverage. I recommend Swedish Fish and Ketel One + pineapple. Mmmm...

1. Health. So 2008 was the year of the near-death medical malady. And while most of what happened was completely out of my control, there are some things that I need to get UNDER control in order to ensure that I stay relatively healthy this year. We don't need to go into detail. But if I intend on making anything happen this year, I can't keep doing what I'm doing.
2. I started grad school this year, which was a great decision. However, I have become the Princess of Procrastination since then, which is not good. I wait until the last possible moment to get things done, and then make myself crazy for a few days, and then I don't think about it again until my next deadline. If I'm serious about writing, which I am...I need to focus better on it. My manuscript really needs to take some kind of shape over the next year if I ever want to get anything done with it.
3. Ironically, one of my co-workers came in this morning, and we were talking about our jobs. She said to me, "You're just meant for so much MORE than don't want to get stuck here." It's true. I need to find some balance between safety (because realistically now is not the time economically to be jumping ship into some unstable job market) and happiness. I think a lot of times we don't know what's going to make us happy until we find it...but I need to pay more attention to those signs. I think school is going to help a lot with that. But in the meantime, I need to make some kind of a change.
4. I love my friends. I need to remember to tell and show them how much I appreciate and love them. The same thing goes for my family.
5. My brain is a little jumbled right now. Most of it is just because I've let it get to the point where I worry all day about absolutely everything. I've become much more critical, and that's not like me. This is probably the most important thing I need to do this year...organize my silly little brain! I need to not worry so much about what could or might happen, and focus more on all the great things that ARE happening. My heart is actually a really smart little organ. I should try to trust her more.

I think that's about it! I'm sure there's more I can do, and the biggest part of it is to not be afraid of change. Change is good, it's necessary, and wonderful things happen because of it. I blogged about that before! And 2008...I apologize for calling you a cunt earlier. I learned a lot of things from you, and those are lessons I'll be able to keep for many years. Until I wake up one morning 70 years from now suffering from dementia and can't remember where my own toes are...but until then, thanks. I'll be blogging tomorrow (or the next day) about the things I learned I think. That ought to be enlightening. And some nice things happened in 2008...nothing's ever all bad.

Fun pictures, right? I had a rockin' New Year's Eve. Like Dick Clark style but BETTER.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009


I keep meaning to publish a post having to do with 2009, my resoultions, the awesome New Year's Eve I know. The standard "Suck it 2008/How YOU doin 2009" blog post that people need to do. However, when presented with the task of actually WRITING said blog post, I feel all kinds of pressure (from myself and my own crazy head) to make it perfect. Like somehow this blog has taken the form of two stone tablets on Mount Sinai, and if I post a resolution here and break it I might be cast into hell forever. Soooo...that'll happen eventually!

Meanwhile, feast your juicy little eyeballs on THESE videos. I'm a big supporter of Dove in general, and these videos speak volumes. So if you're wandering aimlessly around the store and trying to decide between Dove and Secret deodorant, or Dove and Caress body wash (I prefer Victoria's Secret for that, but whatever) perhaps these might encourage you to purchase from a company that's trying to change things up a little bit in our media...before too many little girls become victims, and we lose an entire generation to eating disorders, plastic surgery, masochism, pain, and "perfection."