Change

Welcome 2009! Lovely to see you! 2008 was kind of a giant cunt (yes...I said it...I said cunt in my blog. There's no going back from here...) and so far you look absolutely breathtaking...have you had some work done?

I've decided that 2009 needs to be The Year of Change. It NEEDS to be. I really don't have a choice. I do an excellent job at treading water (I know that's a metaphor, but I really do tread water well...when I was teaching swimming lessons, I'd have to tread water AND hold large children afloat for about 2.5 hours a night) but that won't cut it anymore. I spend so much time worrying about my life, my future, if I'm making the right choices that I become almost paralyzed by indecision. I get so worried about making wrong choices that I fail to make any. And that's not the kind of person I want to be.

And so the following is a list. Because those of you who know me know that I live and die by lists. At any given moment I have approximately 294857392 lists somewhere in my house or office. However, what I am about to write are not resolutions...more like gentle nudges, reminders, and suggestions for when I start to falter a bit. This might get to be a long blog. Now would be a great time to grab a snack. Or an adult beverage. I recommend Swedish Fish and Ketel One + pineapple. Mmmm...

1. Health. So 2008 was the year of the near-death medical malady. And while most of what happened was completely out of my control, there are some things that I need to get UNDER control in order to ensure that I stay relatively healthy this year. We don't need to go into detail. But if I intend on making anything happen this year, I can't keep doing what I'm doing.
2. I started grad school this year, which was a great decision. However, I have become the Princess of Procrastination since then, which is not good. I wait until the last possible moment to get things done, and then make myself crazy for a few days, and then I don't think about it again until my next deadline. If I'm serious about writing, which I am...I need to focus better on it. My manuscript really needs to take some kind of shape over the next year if I ever want to get anything done with it.
3. Ironically, one of my co-workers came in this morning, and we were talking about our jobs. She said to me, "You're just meant for so much MORE than this...you don't want to get stuck here." It's true. I need to find some balance between safety (because realistically now is not the time economically to be jumping ship into some unstable job market) and happiness. I think a lot of times we don't know what's going to make us happy until we find it...but I need to pay more attention to those signs. I think school is going to help a lot with that. But in the meantime, I need to make some kind of a change.
4. I love my friends. I need to remember to tell and show them how much I appreciate and love them. The same thing goes for my family.
5. My brain is a little jumbled right now. Most of it is just because I've let it get to the point where I worry all day about absolutely everything. I've become much more critical, and that's not like me. This is probably the most important thing I need to do this year...organize my silly little brain! I need to not worry so much about what could or might happen, and focus more on all the great things that ARE happening. My heart is actually a really smart little organ. I should try to trust her more.

I think that's about it! I'm sure there's more I can do, and the biggest part of it is to not be afraid of change. Change is good, it's necessary, and wonderful things happen because of it. I blogged about that before! And 2008...I apologize for calling you a cunt earlier. I learned a lot of things from you, and those are lessons I'll be able to keep for many years. Until I wake up one morning 70 years from now suffering from dementia and can't remember where my own toes are...but until then, thanks. I'll be blogging tomorrow (or the next day) about the things I learned I think. That ought to be enlightening. And some nice things happened in 2008...nothing's ever all bad.

Fun pictures, right? I had a rockin' New Year's Eve. Like Dick Clark style but BETTER.