Tuesday, March 31, 2009


Before reading the rest of this blog, please take the next two minutes and fifty-four seconds to view the following extremely relevant and important video.

Ok seriously, who doesn't want to go to Planet Unicorn? I mean HONESTLY! My favorite unicorn is Cadillac. He has a bouffant, but his little unicorn horn pokes out just enough to be stylish yet subtle.

I would like to teach a college course entitled The Existential and Spiritual Dilemma of Planet Unicorn: A Colloquium. There are six installments of this series, and there are fifteen weeks in a semester. My only fear would be that there is just too much material to really do it justice. But I would try. To give you a sampling of what my course might look like, I've created a mock syllabus for the first few weeks. Naturally, since you haven't seen the other five episodes, (which I really encourage you to watch as soon as you possibly can) this mockabus (mock syllabus, duh) only covers the portion of the class that would be devoted to episode one.

I'm going to assume that my class meets thrice per week.

Assignment One: Relate Shannon, the eight year old gay boy, to the Classic Hero Structure that can be applied to all literature. Why did he wish for a fur jacket? What does that represent? What struggles inherently lie within Shannon that are evidenced by his desire for a flying car? Spiritually, where will this car take him?

Assignment Two: Ambrosia. Feathers, Cadillac, and Tom Cruise are intially seen eating ambrosia salad. Ambrosia (as you obviously know) is classically the food/drink of the gods. Is this foreshadowing? Describe the ethnocentricity revealed by the lack of cherries in Feathers' salad compared to the abundance of cherries in Cadillac's salad.

Assignment Three:
The unicorns have a strong desire to nap and cuddle. However, once napping they dream the same dream of Shannon, the gay boy who wished them into existence. Find two partners, and nap and cuddle for the rest of this class period. Try to dream the same dream.

Assignment Four:
Using paper mache, pipe cleaners, glitter glue, and plastic fruit to construct a model representing Unicorn Falls and what you learned about pouring brown paint into pink waterfalls.

I need to take this to my Director of Academic Affairs.


Monday, March 30, 2009


Breaking news. AB and I are moving in together. If you aren't already in possession of this information, and if you know me at all, I'm going to go ahead and give you some time to pick your jaw up off of the floor and collect yourself.

(you could also use this time to grab a snack or ponder a mystery of life...like why it's acceptable to wear jeans with anything. Jeans are BLUE, and the color blue does not match everything.)

Ok, I'm going to assume that we're all good now. So yes. We're moving in together. We found the most adorable townhouse in Hellam. It has three bedrooms (including a master bedroom with vaulted ceilings, a ceiling fan, and a huge walk-in closet, which was kind of prerequisite for me) two and a half bathrooms (one of which has a jacuzzi tub) a living room (with a remote-controlled fireplace) big open kitchen, deck, finished basement, washer and dryer...it's completely awesome. My little OCD-crazed brain is already whipping out lists of things to buy and ways to decorate, and we don't even move in until June 1.

I've been living by myself for the past 5 years. Prior to that, any attempt I have made to cohabitate with anyone has been a catastrophe the likes of Mariah Carey attempting to act. So I have my concerns. AB, luckily, is one of the most laid-back people I've ever met, and seems completely prepared to handle the fact that I'm probably going to panic and lose my mind over this at least twice before we actually move. But in order to catch any of that before it happens, I have decided to track some of the thoughts I'm having about the whole situation!

Thoughts I'm having and general philosophical meanderings:

1. AB and I already spend just about every night together. On the days that we don't see each other, I miss him. In every single other relationship I've ever had, we either didn't see each other nearly that often, or if we did I was so happy and relieved to be left alone...or in the case of my last relationship, it was both!

2. We have now gone away together twice...once to the beach in Ocean City, and just last week to Florida for 5 days. Both times we've been together continuously for several straight days, and I didn't get annoyed with him. I have only ever had one or two FRIENDS even that I don't get annoyed with after a few days.

3. Norman Bates is completely correct that we all go a little mad sometimes. He was NOT correct in dressing up like his mother and killing people in showers. I digress. But I've gotten very used to having my own space and my own ways of dealing with things when I go a little crazy. However, AB has thus far done a very good job of handling me when that happens.

4. I will dance around in my underwear at least once a week. AB assures me this will actually NOT be an issue, and has encouraged me to do this even more.

5. We have yet to have a fight of any kind. On one hand, living together might make our first fight tricky because we're kind of stuck together then. On the other hand, it might be a good experiment and force us to work it out.

6. One of my most favorite things about AB is the fact that he talks. Like, we talk all the time about pretty much everything, and I feel like we're on the same page about things.

7. I have spent the past five years making my current townhouse as "mine" as I can. When people walk in, they're usually like, "This place is SO Sara." I fully approve of AB's decorative tastes based on his current apartment, but I'm worried I'm going to have a hard time compromising on that.

By the way, if any of you reading this would like to make yourself available to help me move that weekend, please know that I will provide you with beverages, snacks, and positive verbal reinforcement. Moving blows. That's why I haven't done it in awhile. But I'm super excited!

Wednesday, March 4, 2009


This just in: suddenly (or not really suddenly at all, actually) I am about six months shy of my 29th birthday. That birthday marks my last year as a twenty-something! I'm not going to panic about this, (although I did find a wrinkle about a year ago, which I convinced myself was an optical illusion but is somehow STILL THERE) because I've heard from numerous reliable sources that it's way more fun to be in your thirties than it is to be in your twenties. Also, all empirical evidence that I have gathered supports this. Life IS getting better the older I get. I have more money, I can do more things and go more places, I have the most awesome boyfriend (AB) ever, I have a stable job, I'm in graduate school...things are good.

A little while ago, I stumbled across a journal I used to keep in college. This journal was less of a "Dear Diary" secret keeper and more of a place for me to write down random thoughts I had, interesting things people said, and to make lists because list-making ranks pretty high in the "I'm a Closet Geek for Loving This" Olympics. It's right up there with Star Wars, crossword puzzles, Harry Potter, and cleaning my house. For instance, in college when I was in a completely lovesick state over a boy (who had beautiful brown eyes but was otherwise utter rubbish) I decided to write a list of 100 things that I loved about life that did NOT involve him. It reminded me that as much as my heart (and other, more inappropriate areas) fluttered when I saw him, the sun did not actually rise and fall based on his whereabouts.

So in said journal, I also stumbled across a list of things that I wanted to accomplish before I turned 30. At the time, apparently 30 seemed like it was REALLY far away, and I also apparently thought I'd have limitless resources and time in which to accomplish these things. I would now like to update you all (because you clearly are intensely interested) on the status of these goals.

Live in London
I think I'm going to need to accept that this just isn't going to happen, nor do I really think it's a good idea. London is far away. And I don't know for sure that they show Lost there.
Be in a movie
Unless home videos count, I'm no closer to this one either. As of now, I decree that home videos DO count, unless anyone reading this wants to toss me in a movie.
Go skydiving
If I am to believe AB, we are totally doing this, even though he has a huge fear of the skydiving instructor getting a boner while catapulting through the air, thus rendering his skydiving experience tainted and horrifying. I, on the other hand, would be endlessly amused if his skydiving instructor got a boner.
Write the next great American novel
Hm. I'm midway through two of them. Really, all I need to do is slap "The End" on one of them. I'll call it a mysterious, artistic choice.
Go on a shopping spree in NYC
If I want to do this in style, I'm going to need my own fun and flirty soundtrack. So until I find a small symphony to go to the city, I'm out of luck. However, I guess the word "spree" is up for interpretation. I've definitely gone to NYC and spent way more money than I was supposed to.
Live in NYC
Clearly as a college student I thought I was going to be much more metropolitan and nomadic than I actually am. I was offered a job in NYC last year and turned it down. I'm totally counting that.
Go on a cruise
I was SO close! I think this is still within reach. AB knows many things about cruises. I'm either relying on him or getting a job as a call girl who specializes in cruise captains.
Go to grad school
HA! Done.
Take a cooking class
I have no idea why I thought this was a good idea.
Buy something from Tiffany's
Done. I rule.
Go to Greece
Greece seemed very chic at the time. I do however, have plans to go to Ireland with AB for our 30th birthdays.
Learn another language
Thanks to two boys I've met in the past few years, I've learned how to speak Asshole pretty well. Otherwise, I should probably get to work on this little project.
Learn how to crochet/knit
Alright, I have tried this. My hands just will not cooperate. Too many loops and there's yarn, which is just complicated.
Learn a martial art
Oh, I had forgotten about this. It goes along with my desire to be even more of a badass than I already am. This is so possible.
Perform on Broadway
Well, no.
Be on The Price is Right
I consider this goal null and void now that Bob Barker is no longer hosting this show. I mean honestly, Drew Carey? What fun is Plinko with that man? I bet he doesn't even care if you get your pets spayed or neutered.
Ride in a hot air balloon
Franny and I had tickets to do this last year. I believe the weather got in the way. We should probably try that again.
Learn how to drive stick shift
Still a good idea. I don't know for sure why I was so determined to do this, but I do think it's wise. Again, I think driving stick would really increase my badass quotient.
Kiss a stranger
Um...it would appear that in my despair over not being able to accomplish all of my goals, I decided to accomplish this one hundreds and hundreds of time to make up for it.

Soooo, it looks like I have a really busy year and a half ahead of me. And that's not even counting all the new stuff I've thought of that I want to accomplish in the next few years! I wonder why I had to go and be all lofty and ambitious, and couldn't have listed anything practical (like buying a fun new car.) Although "practical" isn't usually in the grab bag of adjectives that describes me, now is it?