Monday, February 8, 2010
So you know what's kind of depressing? I spend all kinds of time, effort, and money making sure that I am always wearing adorable underwear. I love them. When I'm not in a hurry, I definitely spend at least 10 minutes dancing around in front of my mirrors, showing off my awesome underwear to myself. I think part of me is hoping that somehow, someone can see me and be impressed--by both my rockin dance moves and my kickass choices in high panty fashion. But the depressing part--almost no one ever gets to see them!
I mean, now and then people see them. When I'm changing at the gym, or when I'm on the treadmill and my pants are falling down (which happens way more often than I think it should--suggestions?). But as a rule, the public doesn't get to see my cute undies. And it makes me mad. Because they're CUTE. Last fall, my mom sent me a pair of underwear with a little candy corn guy on it (you all know about my candy corn obsession right?), and on the back it said "Corny." HA! And they were swell little black boy-cut underwear that made my butt look great. So I was getting really depressed, until I finally decided to make my co-worker Chelsea come over. Here's how it went:
Me: Chelsea, we're friends, right?
Chelsea: Of COURSE we are.
Me: Ok, then please come over to my office right away.
Chelsea: (arrives in my office and shuts the door)
Me: I'm going to need to show you my underwear.
And I did. And, they were super cute! This is why I know I love Chelsea. She was perfectly excited to see them. I feel that I'm too new at this new job to wander around showing off my underwear to anyone.
So instead, I propose that we drop Casual Friday and instead implement Underwear Friday. I know what you're going to say--that you have lots of co-workers who you do NOT want to see traipsing around in their unmentionables. But be honest with yourself...don't you KIND OF want to know what that woman 2 offices down, with 12 cats and stale peppermint candy has on under her girdle and shiny white orthopedic shoes?? I do.
Please join me in this endeavor.
p.s. Yes...yes I was tempted to put a picture of myself in my OWN underwear up instead of just a picture of underwear that I happen to have. However, do we think that could get me fired? Probably. Once Underwear Friday gains momentum, I'll be much more likely to do it.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Well, I think we all knew this was going to happen. If there is anything I've learned from watching blockbuster action flicks of the mediocre variety, it's that eventually robots are going to turn against us, kill most of us, and inhabit the earth. That's why I absolutely refuse to get a Roomba vacuum. I mean PLEASE--I know it seems innocent enough, but it's a slippery slope from there. First you're having a little disc guy vacuum your living room, then you're using Rosie from the Jetsons to make your breakfast (and the occasional hilarious joke), then you're getting bound into indentured slavery to the I, Robot bitches.
I thought we had more time, though. However, when I was sitting in spin class yesterday, I noticed the "man" in front of me. I always check out the people in front of me...what else are you supposed to do when sweat is pouring out of your face at epic rates? But I paid specific attention to his left leg...it just wasn't flowing properly. It was kind of...clicking. Jerking around the wheel a little bit. I stared, perplexed, until suddenly I realized the truth--he was a robot. Obviously. And his designers were smart! He's really kind of plain looking (my first instinct if I was going to build a robot would be to make him super hot), didn't really say much, didn't appear to be too well-built...all of that to mask the fact that he could rip my face off in a matter of seconds.
So, throughout the rest of the class, I had some time to digest this information. The Robot Coup is much more imminent than I had realized. I'm not really one to try to rebel against this. That seems like a lot of effort, and I'm more of a go with the flow kind of gal. Instead, I'm proposing some tips on how to make nice and live with our new robot overlords.
1. Wear witty t-shirts, probably from snorgtees.com. Robots love a good witty remark.
2. When you're on your cell phone (because you know they're listening) try to talk up the droids--say how you think R2D2 is the best Star Wars character you know of, and that he was robbed in terms of screen time.
3. Try to emulate robots yourself, as best as you can. Always be dressed nicely, don't wear wrinkled clothes, smile a lot. Pretend your life is a Miss American pagaent. Wax the important areas...robots don't approve of unsightly body hair.
4. Walk the fine line between using your gadgets (iPod, GPS, etc) and taking them for granted. Don't drop your cell phone in the toilet. Don't hit your computer if it's being slow.
5. Always carry an oil can.
Good luck! xoxo