Friday, February 5, 2010

Coup


Well, I think we all knew this was going to happen. If there is anything I've learned from watching blockbuster action flicks of the mediocre variety, it's that eventually robots are going to turn against us, kill most of us, and inhabit the earth. That's why I absolutely refuse to get a Roomba vacuum. I mean PLEASE--I know it seems innocent enough, but it's a slippery slope from there. First you're having a little disc guy vacuum your living room, then you're using Rosie from the Jetsons to make your breakfast (and the occasional hilarious joke), then you're getting bound into indentured slavery to the I, Robot bitches.

Not me.

I thought we had more time, though. However, when I was sitting in spin class yesterday, I noticed the "man" in front of me. I always check out the people in front of me...what else are you supposed to do when sweat is pouring out of your face at epic rates? But I paid specific attention to his left leg...it just wasn't flowing properly. It was kind of...clicking. Jerking around the wheel a little bit. I stared, perplexed, until suddenly I realized the truth--he was a robot. Obviously. And his designers were smart! He's really kind of plain looking (my first instinct if I was going to build a robot would be to make him super hot), didn't really say much, didn't appear to be too well-built...all of that to mask the fact that he could rip my face off in a matter of seconds.

Crafty.

So, throughout the rest of the class, I had some time to digest this information. The Robot Coup is much more imminent than I had realized. I'm not really one to try to rebel against this. That seems like a lot of effort, and I'm more of a go with the flow kind of gal. Instead, I'm proposing some tips on how to make nice and live with our new robot overlords.

1. Wear witty t-shirts, probably from snorgtees.com. Robots love a good witty remark.
2. When you're on your cell phone (because you know they're listening) try to talk up the droids--say how you think R2D2 is the best Star Wars character you know of, and that he was robbed in terms of screen time.
3. Try to emulate robots yourself, as best as you can. Always be dressed nicely, don't wear wrinkled clothes, smile a lot. Pretend your life is a Miss American pagaent. Wax the important areas...robots don't approve of unsightly body hair.
4. Walk the fine line between using your gadgets (iPod, GPS, etc) and taking them for granted. Don't drop your cell phone in the toilet. Don't hit your computer if it's being slow.
5. Always carry an oil can.

Good luck! xoxo

6 comments:

T. said...

You forgot: Leave them little gifts (i.e. flowers made from tin foil, mix tapes (preferably 80s dance, which is the best to dance "The Robot" to), Pledge for electronics, etc.) LOVE THIS.

Cadence said...

You're so smart. This is why we're friends.

Davey Boy - On The Road said...

Oh no, if robots don't like hair in unfortunate places then I am as good as dead. I loved this blog, except I think I am going to put up a fight. Very admirable of me, right? If one ever attacks you, you know who to call.

Cadence said...

Well Dave...if you're going to fight, I guess I can do it with you. I mean, we made it through 'Nam...

Paula said...

Speaking of oil...do you now check the oil in your car regularly? I bet your car will tell on you if you don't. I also suggest being certain the tires are appropriately filled with air. You never know what will piss your cute little car off. xoxo

Cadence said...

My car DOES tell me things! When she needs oil, she gives me little warnings, and lights come on, and remind me constantly.