Wednesday, March 30, 2011


I think it's only a matter of time before I find myself in the position of ruler (Empress, perhaps?) of a small foreign country. The more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that this country will be a tropical one, perhaps on an island. Perhaps on an island that travels through time and is home to smoke monsters and strange tribes of people who never age...but an island never the less.

I recently realized that I should probably be prepared for when this inevitable rulership occurs. So I've decided to make an edict so that people interested in residing in my country (and no, it won't have my name in it. I will worry about naming this country after I am crowned) know what they're getting into. A set of laws, if you will. A completely unreligious Ten Commandments. A Bill of Rights.

1. Everyone gets a puppy. This puppy may or may not come in a really fantastic outfit. It just depends. But everyone gets a puppy.
2. Debates will be solved with wit, emphatic finger pointing, and a hilarious joke contest.
3. Glitter. I hope you like it, because it will probably be everywhere.
4. There will be no Payless Shoe Stores in the country. Those who attempt to enter the country wearing shoes from Payless will be kindly asked to remove them.
5. There would be several new national holidays: Candy Day, Cupcake Day, Dress Up Day, and Hat Day. It would basically be like Spirit Week all the time.
6. There would be a really strict immigration code that would include a written exam, a photo shoot, a practical exam having to do with fashion sense, and a variety act of some kind. Like hula hooping or a vaudeville number.
7. You probably think I'm going to say that no one would have to work...but that would just be ridiculous. People still have to have jobs. However, the work day will always be broken up with a dance break, snack time, and a mandatory mid-day nap. Also the work week will be no more than 30 hours.
8. Your social standing in my country will be based on a points system. You get points for things like having a fun outfit on, interesting artistic abilities, and doing things that I find funny. You lose points for being a jerk.
9. There are many gyms, and they are open 24/7. Fitness is important in this country, because we will probably enter the Olympics eventually. However, there is a whole set of other gym rules...ones that include not being a gym creeper, and wearing clothes that fit.
10. Hugs are a viable form of currency.


Tuesday, March 1, 2011


You know what I like about bananas? Well, I mean, a lot of things. I like eating them, I also like the idea of people dressed up like bananas. Or dogs dressed up like bananas. Oh, I'd like to be clear that I do NOT like banana-flavored things. Ew. However, what I'm talking about here is the fact that no matter what, a banana is always a viable option. There is no segregation amongst bananas. You see, if you are a devoted fruitist, like I am, you get really excited when you go somewhere and fresh fruit is an option. Generally you are presented with apples, bananas, oranges, and a weird "fruit salad" which is a tricky way of saying "bowl of gross melons." But the thing is...with apples, so many varieties exist, and yet I'm always offered the lame ones. Usually Red Delicious. On a rare occasion, I'll see Granny Smith.

No one likes those apples. Honestly. No one. Wouldn't it be great if they had Pink Lady apples (which happen to be my favorite, in case you're interested in giving me apples as a present) or Gala apples? Braeburn? Even a Fuji? It doesn't happen, and so I feel like a jerk turning up my nose just because I don't happen to like that particular apple variety. This very serious problem does not exist with bananas. A banana is a banana is a banana. None of this discrimination. And that makes them pretty great. Oh, unless you don't like bananas. Then you're kind of screwed.

Don't even get me started on oranges. Who has time to peel an orange in these situations? And who wants to smell like oranges all day?