Dance

No one dances anymore.

Yesterday I spent my afternoon doing a Renaissance Faire at a beautiful nursing home in Harrisburg. It was open to the public as a fund raiser, but at some point througout the day, the residents were brought out onto the sprawling grounds to participate. As we were about to start teaching the Renaissance dances, I asked the gentleman with whom I had been speaking if he wanted to join us.

"No, no. My dancing days are over. My wife passed away two years ago, and we used to dance all the time. We were married for 62 years, so I think I've had my fair share of dances."

He talked to me for awhile about his wife, and how they'd moved into the nursing home when she fell ill, selling their house and belongings to afford it.

It reminded me of an instance a few weeks ago when I went out with some friends to listen to a blues singer. During her set, a couple in their mid-eighties stood up and began to dance. They moved so rhythmically, and were so synchronized, and it was one of the most beautiful things I'd seen in a long time. My friend leaned over and whispered, "How long do you think they've been dancing like that?"

I had tears in my eyes. "Forever," I replied.

I used to be so scared of falling in love and being in a relationship, because I thought it meant that I'd have to sacrifice part of myself, and give up my freedom. And then later I thought it was about waiting for a feeling where your heart would pound in anticipation of seeing that other person again. You know...being swept away. But I honestly think it's a whole lot more simple than that.

It's about being 80 years old, and having someone to dance with.

Voice

I think I've lost my voice.

Correction...I'm not completely sure that I ever really had it to begin with.

I don't really know how often I ever say exactly what I'm thinking. I don't know if I'm ever completely honest with anyone. And I don't know if I know how to fix that.

Somehow, without realizing it, I've been trained to make other people happy, to appease other people, and to stifle thoughts and words that might be upsetting to hear. It's to the point that I don't even realize I'm doing it until someone else points it out to me. If I'm telling a story about a conversation I've had, I'll express how I felt to the person, and they'll frequently say, "But did you SAY that out loud, or did you just think it?" And the truth is, I didn't even know I was thinking it at the time. I was just so focused on saying the right thing.

Too many times I find myself dissatisfied with conversations or encounters I've had because I don't feel like I've accomplished anything. The other major complication is that I am something of a social chameleon...which is probably why people are so quickly drawn to me. It's not that I change my morals or beliefs, but I'm exceptionally skilled at knowing what other people want from me. And I do a good job giving it to them. Meanwhile, I fear I might be doing myself a serious injustice. It also leads to me being frustrated with my friends and family for something that isn't their fault. How can they know they're upsetting me when all I do is manipulate my words to make them feel justified?

I'm not sure how to fix this...but I do believe it's probably lurking at the root of the other problems that have been resurfacing for me lately. After a ten-year hibernation, apparently they've decided to wake back up and kick me in the shin. So I'm going to be trying to figure that out. Please don't be offended if I seem more abrasive or less pleasant. I'm just trying to hear my voice.

"My scream got lost in a paper cup.
Do you think there's a heaven where some screams have gone?
I've got twenty-five bucks and cracker, do you think it's enough
To get us there?

Cause what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his with her name still on it?
Hey, but I don't care 'cause sometimes, I said sometimes
I hear my voice, and it's been here.
Silent all these years."
~Tori Amos

Gecko

I would just like to say that I think my life would be much better off if I had a talking gecko. Actually, any gecko would do. Or a Chinese bearded dragon.

I think what I'm saying is that I want a lizard. A lizard would really spice things up.

That is all.



Come ON...how cute is he? I would probably name him Oskar.

xoxo

Retraction

I need to publish a semi retraction. Our rehearsal last night went REALLY smoothly, and everything seemed to work out pretty well. I'm back to thinking that the show might turn out well. We have an audience tonight, so I guess we'll actually find out about that tonight!

If you're someone who reads these, I think it would be a good idea for you to plan on coming to see the show!

xoxo

Angels

Oh no.

The show I'm working on currently, City of Angels, is about to open. We open Thursday, to be exact. We have a preview tomorrow night. Then we have an audience. Last night was the first dress rehearsal with the pit, and we have one more tonight. To any of you who are mathematically challenged, that adds up to a grand total of TWO dress rehearsals. Peculiar. I have two items to address. One is a list of issues that I'm having with this endeavor, and the second is an extraordinarily funny conversation I had with my director. I like to let you all know what you'll be in for. Consider that your trailer for my blog.

Issues:
1. The cast is genuinely very talented as a whole, and it's possible that this fact is going to carry us.
2. However...currently we have the entire cast doing every single set change, which leads to a giant clusterfuck on stage. Actors are not good at doing anything other than acting. Especially large groups of them. We have no stage crew.
3. I'm already super nervous about my song...and since last night was the first night with the pit, I ended up like 2 beats ahead of them for much of it. Oh dear.
4. We had two outside observers watch the show last night, which was actually awesome because they were able to give us fresh insight on a lot of things.
5. Some of that insight has led me to believe that things are going to be changing...one night before we have an audience.
6. I'm working 10 hour days at work right now...so I'm up at 5:45, at work by 7:00, heading straight to Lancaster for the show, and getting home around midnight. I know I must have done this kind of thing before, I just don't remember it being so hard. I was hallucinating from pure exhaustion on my drive home last night.

The conversation with my director (at intermission):
He: You kill me, every single time.
Me: Why, because my song sucked?
He: No, because you're SO FUNNY. You're always thinking...I love people who are witty and can come up with things on the fly, and you always do that.
Me: Oh! It's because I do a lot of improv theatre.
He: You're fucking brilliant. But I'd never want to date you.
Me: What?? Why??
He: Because you'd scare me shitless. You're too smart.

Ha! He also went on to tell me that my song DIDN'T suck, it sounded great, but I needed to calm down and not rush it. I believe him, because he's been very blunt with everyone so far about what they need to fix.

All of that said, I'm actually very excited about the show. I'm freaking out about it possibly not coming together, but I think it will. Like I said, it's a very talented group of people, and I like that.

I am just SO tired.