Friday, July 25, 2008


I think I've lost my voice.

Correction...I'm not completely sure that I ever really had it to begin with.

I don't really know how often I ever say exactly what I'm thinking. I don't know if I'm ever completely honest with anyone. And I don't know if I know how to fix that.

Somehow, without realizing it, I've been trained to make other people happy, to appease other people, and to stifle thoughts and words that might be upsetting to hear. It's to the point that I don't even realize I'm doing it until someone else points it out to me. If I'm telling a story about a conversation I've had, I'll express how I felt to the person, and they'll frequently say, "But did you SAY that out loud, or did you just think it?" And the truth is, I didn't even know I was thinking it at the time. I was just so focused on saying the right thing.

Too many times I find myself dissatisfied with conversations or encounters I've had because I don't feel like I've accomplished anything. The other major complication is that I am something of a social chameleon...which is probably why people are so quickly drawn to me. It's not that I change my morals or beliefs, but I'm exceptionally skilled at knowing what other people want from me. And I do a good job giving it to them. Meanwhile, I fear I might be doing myself a serious injustice. It also leads to me being frustrated with my friends and family for something that isn't their fault. How can they know they're upsetting me when all I do is manipulate my words to make them feel justified?

I'm not sure how to fix this...but I do believe it's probably lurking at the root of the other problems that have been resurfacing for me lately. After a ten-year hibernation, apparently they've decided to wake back up and kick me in the shin. So I'm going to be trying to figure that out. Please don't be offended if I seem more abrasive or less pleasant. I'm just trying to hear my voice.

"My scream got lost in a paper cup.
Do you think there's a heaven where some screams have gone?
I've got twenty-five bucks and cracker, do you think it's enough
To get us there?

Cause what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his with her name still on it?
Hey, but I don't care 'cause sometimes, I said sometimes
I hear my voice, and it's been here.
Silent all these years."
~Tori Amos

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