Jokes

Everyone can calm down. I got a new phone. Crisis averted, please resume your daily activities in a calm fashion. The only caveat was that in getting a new phone, I lost all my phone numbers, pictures, data, EVERYTHING. So, in a desperate plea to try to regain what I had lost, I sent out a facebook post, asking that my friends please text me their phone numbers, along with a hilarious joke. My friends, those tricksters, sure did come through. Here are some of the highlights, from my extremely hysterical friends. You're welcome. (p.s. if you don't see your joke here, please know that it was probably too inappropriate *cough, Toby* and I don't want you to get beat up.)

From Eli:
What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine? A washing machine doesn't follow you around after you dump your load in it.
Blonde jokes...classic. I think there should be more redhead jokes though...and by jokes, I do mean heavy amounts of adoration and gift-giving.

From Keanan:
What did the apple say to the computer?
You may have two cores, but mine can replicate.
I'm going to be honest. I don't get it. Don't start a redhead joke about this.

From Matt S:
A woman and a duck walk into a bar, the bartender says "Where did you get that pig?" The woman replies, "That's not a pig, that's a duck." The bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."
400 ducks walked into a bar, and the bartender says, "I can't serve 400 ducks," and the 400 ducks said, "You are really starting to ruffle my feathers, sir."

From Jason S:
What's green and smells like pork? Kermit's finger.
Ew. Also there are many levels to this joke, because Kermit is controlled by other fingers, so by proxy, are puppeteers fingerbanging Miss Piggy?

From Xine:
So, a hipster walks into a club...
...that you have never heard of before.
Ha. I'd laugh, but I'm busy thinking about existentialism.

From Jess K:
Why did the little girl fall off the swing? Because she had no arms.
Jess had another joke. I'm not publishing it, because I don't want either of us getting arrested.

From Cara:
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay then they would be bagels.
Not going to lie. I cracked up, out loud, at this joke. And then later, I thought about it again, and laughed some more.

P.s. that picture is of me and my mom, laughing uproarioiusly at something. Not at these jokes, clearly, but something in Las Vegas sure did tickle our fancy.