Thursday, July 16, 2009

Bitches


We all know a few. Probably more than a few, actually. Come to think of it, I know for a fact that several of you who are currently reading this are, in fact, bitches yourself. Not only are you bitches, but somewhere deep in the core of your soul, you're proud to be bitches. Maybe you even have little refrigerator magnets to celebrate your bitchiness. Don't worry. I'm not writing this to condemn you. Instead, I am writing this in the hopes of joining your evil legions.

I think my conversion idealism was brought on by a recent ongoing encounter that I've been having with a particular bitch. I'm not going to go into details, but suffice to say that I have been feeling continuously powerless against this person, and it's making me realize that I need to up my bitch quotient. Not to the point where I start terrorizing my friends and family, but to the point where I can better stand up to them when I need to.

I feel like I need some kind of a plan. Otherwise, my increasing frustration is going to erupt like a McDonald's employee's face. It's already started to happen...I was listening to a heated conversation between my mom and my aunt, and I apparently decided I needed to involve myself. I calmly began to lay out my points (which, I may add, were quite valid) and my aunt (who is the sweetest woman on the planet) kept interrupting me with "Now, Sara, no..." and finally I just turned and shrieked at her, "STOP INTERRUPTING ME! You're not allowed to just interrupt me!"

Silence.

Unsure about how to proceed following my outburst, I simply stomped back to the couch and pretended to fall asleep. But...the lesson? About ten minutes later, she came over to me, hugged me, and apologized for interrupting me. You see? Bitches might be bitchy, but people don't mess with them. In fact, once someone has developed a reputation for bitchiness, people go out of their way to avoid upsetting them. No one goes out of their way to avoid upsetting nice people! They're too nice!

I've developed a preliminary do and don't list for embarking on the bitch train. I welcome suggestions.

Do:
1. Snap at people occasionally for minor offenses. This will let them know that you will not put up with their more serious offenses.
2. Be hypersensitive to the way you are being treated. Do you feel like an injustice has occured? It probably has. You should probably yell about it.
3. Stomp. A lot.
4. Be extraordinarily nice to people sometimes. Make them love you enough that they want to keep you around despite your newfound bitchiness. Buy gifts for people.

Don't
1. Slap a ho. While funny, this is apparently a good way to land yourself in jail.
2. Tell people you're a bitch. SHOW THEM.
3. Purchase any kind of glitter graphic t-shirt proclaiming that you are a bitch.
4. Hit below the belt. You probably can come up with lots of mean things to say to people. Don't say them. You don't need to be mean to be a bitch.
5. Go overboard. Your tantrums need to be well-timed and properly executed. Doing it too much will take away some of the power.

13 comments:

xine said...

1. I've never understood why people are PROUD to be a bitch. I've been looking for someone to explain to to me since at least the mid-90s when I started watching talk shows.

2. I read paragraphs 3 and 4 (including the silence part) in Cher's voice from Clueless.

3. I don't want you to ever be a bitch but I will completely support you in your effort to become a tad bit more feisty in some areas.

4. I think this is one of my favorite blog posts ever.

5. I love you.

Cadence said...

Um, I know. I don't know when "bitch" started being a mark of pride, but it weirds me out.

Also, I laughed out loud when I re-read those paragraphs in Cher's voice. I wish I could get Alicia Silverstone to do podcasts of all my blogs.

xoxo

Sam said...

HAHA... good work!! LOL especially @ the "McDonald's employee face" remark... sharp edged humor. as Borat might say "it's a very nice"

Cadence said...

Thanks, Sam :-)

Amber said...

i loved this...so very very much. Come on over to the pullo, and we can show you how to be bitch-tastic... :)

Joel said...

You forgot large sunglasses and tiny dog.

Joel said...

Question, but I'll disguise it:
Iway inkthay Iway awsay ouyay ettinggay inway away arcay atway
Ennpay Atestay Orkyay esterdayyay...isway atthay ossiblepay?

Cadence said...

Amber--I'm there. Let's start a bitch posse on campus. Let's always have candy at our meetings, but since we're bitches, we won't share it.

Joel--I'm halfway there! I own several pairs of obnoxiously large sunglasses...but I like medium to large sized dogs. Aaaaand...esyay atthay asway emay! Why were you here?

Joel said...

Ayingplay ennistay

Chelsea said...

The Bitch Kit - I feel that this would provide a valuable and useful set of resources to introduce at one of our upcoming monthly efforts at "team building" - perhaps we should name the session "Bitch Building and Beyond?" What do you think? ;-)

Scott said...

I too, loved the McDonald's worker face visual. Thanks for that. A question though: do 90s wear and shoulder pads come in The Bitch Kit?

Cadence said...

Scott, excellent question. Yes, yes they absolutely come in the kid. Strange how you knew that... ;-)

Andy said...

"my increasing frustration is going to erupt like a McDonald's employee's face."

Oh, you are a witty one.

I'm glad you finally called me out on being a bitch. Someone had to say it. Next time I stop by your office, please slap me accordingly.