Joey

AB and I have taken to spending our evenings watching marathons of Full House. Just so you know, Teen Nick runs four back-to-back episodes of this culturally cataclysmic television show every night starting at 8:00 p.m. Join us, won't you? Not only will you get a heaping dose of Tanner family love, but you will get to see every acne wash/pimple cream/face cleansing/zit busting commercial that has ever been produced--repeatedly. Teen Nick apparently knows something about teen culture that we don't...all teens care about is their complexion, and by showing the exact same set of commercials during every commercial break, you will eventually wear them down.

So, we love Full House. We learn valuable lessons, AB gets to make four cracks a night (I've limited him to one per episode) about Jodie Sweetin's meth addiction, and we have a hearty chuckle as Uncle Jesse's hair care jokes never cease to be hysterical. But there is one piece of the happy family puzzle that just doesn't fit in.

Joey.

What the fuck is this guy doing there??? I mean, I understand that when the mysterious Mrs. Tanner died, he moved in to help out his bestie, Danny. Sure. Makes sense. But he NEVER LEFT. I mean, by the end of the series, he's got to be in his early to mid thirties, and he is still just kind of leeching off of the Tanners, with absolutely no family or friends of his own. In all the years that the show ran, he never got his own girlfriend. I can count on one hand the number of Joey-centric episodes that ran. It has never appeared that he has any life outside of the Tanners. He somehow managed to get his own television show, which leads me to believe that he was making decent money, but he remained content to live in the basement (and in later episodes, a small bedroom) in this already overcrowded home.

Does he even have his own car? Is he paying Danny rent of any kind? Other than doing the occasional Bullwinkle impression, what contribution is he making to this family? This family that doesn't belong to him. At what point does Danny finally say, "Listen friend-o, it's been a nice run, but people are starting to talk." Doesn't he feel awkward at all? Like you know when you were little and you went on vacation with your best friend's family? Yeah, it was fun and all, but you were never really PART of the family, and it was always kind of relief to get back to your own house with your own food, and not that weird food that your friend's mom made.

I mean, really, Joey. Cut. It. Out.