Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Pickles


If you know me, then you might have caught onto the fact that I have a teeeeensy bit of a potty mouth. If you don't know me, and you're just internet stalking me, kudos to you. If you don't already have it, I'll be happy to give you my address so you can leave me gifts on my doorstep. Note to you: I need a new tote, and I'm always happy to receive anonymous gifts from Tiffany's.

I digress. Recently I've realized that maybe I swear TOO much. Let's be honest, it's just not ladylike. And more importantly, I think it's lost its power. For instance, when I say "fuck," no one really flinches. If, say, my grandmother were to say "fuck off," I'm pretty sure she'd get some attention. Why? Because she NEVER tells people to fuck off, whereas I tell people to fuck off almost every day. Lovingly, mind you...lovingly. But it's not fair that my fuck has no power, and my grandmother's fuck has a LOT of power. I want to reclaim the power of my fuck.

Also, there's nothing interesting about a word if one says it all the time. And if there's one thing I don't like, it's the idea of not being interesting. So in the name of being interesting, here's what I propose: I will not swear for one week. Not at all. No damn, hell, shit, fuck...none of it. If I do swear, the week re-starts, until I last a week. At the end of that week (which may very well be sometime in the year 2019), I will get myself a fun little present. Yay me.

Now here's what I need from you.

1. If you're lucky enough to enjoy the presence of my company, please keep on me about the swearing. If you hear me swear, you can smack me. Gently. A love tap, really.
2. Let's discuss some "gray area" words. Like balls. That's not a swear word, but it's definitely inappropriate. Or dick. Is that a swear word, in your book?
3. I need to have a ready repertoire of replacement words, because I constantly have the need to have some form of mild outburst, and I need a lexicon for such instances. I'd like to try bring back "bonkers," as in "That is bonkers!" instead of "That is bullshit!" Or perhaps "poppycock." Also, "pickles" seems to be an acceptable substitute for "fuck."
Person A: I'm going to go to Payless and buy that pair of shoes.
Sara: What the pickles is wrong with you?!?

You see what I'm saying.

Ok...go.

11 comments:

Robin said...

You're fucking crazy but we love you! If I'm fortunate enough to see you any time soon I'll remind you to watch your potty mouth!

Cadence said...

Hahaha, thanks Robin!! :-)

Franny said...

"Chut ka maindak"

I'm not sure why anyone would say the above... but it's funny! Try to guess what it means. And remember: Go Chod yourself!

Love you!

Franny said...

"Chut ka maindak"

I'm not sure why anyone would say the above... but it's funny! Try to guess what it means. And remember: Go Chod yourself!

Love you!

Cadence said...

Wait wait...Scott...see, here's where that gray area comes in. Does cock count as a swear?? Hm.

Franny, oh dear.

Jess said...

A few words:
fiddlesticks!
sugar!
fudge!
son-of-a-biscuit!
son-of-a-beetle brain!
son-of-a-monkey rat!
good gravy miss mavy!
holy frijoles negros!
poop snakes!
darn.
dadgummit!
daggon it!
From Disney's "Robin Hood":
geeeehozeifats!
Criminetly Trigger!

Cadence said...

Jess--next step, global domination.

T. said...

I thoroughly approve of "pickles" because it is funny, and phallic, and therefore a natural replacement for "fuck," a funny, phallic word. Well done.

Some other suggestions:

I say! (as in, "I say! That really hurt!")

Peas and carrots! (It's not just for looking like you're talking onstage)

Tweety bird!

KELLY CLARKSON!!! (we already know it works because Steve Carell did it, and well, if Steve Carell does it...)

I'm sure, if you get really desperate, like by day 3 or so, and need more alternatives, just let me know!

Cadence said...

Yeeeahh...just as an update, I've had to restart about 12 times. Most recently, last night. I'll try again.

Andy said...

I don't think you fucking swear too much.... As for grey area words, "Tits" (at a strip club) "Bitches" (at a kennel" and Cocksucker (when slurping chicken noodle soup) are acceptable.
Replacement words: Vajazzled. Shipoopi. Tig ol' biddies.

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