Haze

"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh." - Voltaire

So I'm having one of those days where I'm seriously wandering through life in a complete haze. Like a fog. I can't focus, I'm completely distracted...sometimes it just happens. It's also on these days that I decide to become a little philosopher and start making elaborate plans to turn myself into a better person. All of those nasty little insecurities and fears start demanding attention, I start missing all of my friends who are so far away...it's bizarre. The good thing about the haze days is that they're over pretty quickly, and it's not like I'm sad or depressed or anything. In fact, I'm relatively content (with the small exception of the student sitting in my office who is trying to engage me in a political debate by telling me about his love of guns and how violent video games are NOT desensitizing young people...I can't debate when I can't even focus), I'm just highly scattered.

So, how much of what you see in a person do you think is true? Honestly? I think lots of people are so good at hiding their vulnerabilities that sometimes they forget that they have them. I know I do. I've worked so hard to build up this pretty little wall that when it cracks a little bit, I'm always shocked. I know I'm a little bit of an environmental chameleon, and I think that's sometimes ok. I adapt to different situations really well...what I don't like is when people change their values, opinions, and actions based on the company they keep. That's not at all what I'm saying. But for the past 10 years or so, I've made a concerted effort to turn myself into the person I want to be, and I get worried sometimes that I'll forget to keep tabs on whether or not that person is completely real.

For instance...lately, for whatever reason, I'm getting hit on everywhere I go. I've gotten good at deflecting it, and then I laugh and tell the story to my friends...but honestly, I don't really like it. It kind of makes me uncomfortable. I'm not sure why. It just makes me nervous and weird-feeling. But instead of just SAYING that to them, I just laugh about it, which makes the situation worse because then they either think I'm flirting or laughing at them. Another example is my whole "forgotten" issue, which is not really important at this time.

In any case, I like the idea of bettering myself, but I think I sometimes need to relax about that. I also think that sometimes I'd like to thank the universe for helping me figure out when I'm doing this. I think I'm going back to my original plan of pursuing the MFA in Creative Writing Nonfiction...mostly because it somehow worked out that every counseling program I looked into was impossible. It was frustrating, but the more I think about it, the more I feel happy about the idea of teaching writing in college...because in a way, that might end up being a lot like counseling, and I'll be doing it with a population that I've already come to love.

That's all. And this is why I have a blog. Even though this entry had no point and was completely all over the place, I do feel a little bit more clear-headed.

xoxo