Sunday, November 23, 2008


"Let's go over the ground rules. Rule number one--no touching of the hair or face. AND THAT'S IT!"
~ Ron Burgandy

So I spent a lovely part of the weekend visiting The Boy. We decided to go on a little cinematic adventure, and take in the movie Role Models. Since the fancy theatre in town had absolutely absurd showing times, we decided to go to a slightly more ghettofied movie theatre in a local mall. As we entered the mall, I noticed a list of rules. I was intrigued. A mall with rules? Genius! I insisted that we stop and review them.

1. No hood wearing
2. No hanging out
3. No one 16 and under allowed without a parent or guardian 21 or older
4. No skateboarding healies or bike riding on mall property
5. No bad language
6. Please keep your cell phones/iPods very low
7. Pants are to be worn around the waist

I don't think I need to explain to anyone who knows me how brutally amused I was by this list. I basically almost peed my pants laughing. I could write a whole separate blog analyzing and mocking these rules...and I might at a later time. No hanging out??? It's a mall! Who enforces these rules? Little nuns with rulers scurrying around and smacking the fingers of perpetrators who might be "hanging out?" And since when do iPods make noise that other people can hear? I digress. I did, however, insist on having my picture taken with the rules.


I also realized that if this little skanky mall can have a list of rules at their entrances, I should probably have my own list of seven important rules for my own house. I can post them on my door, that way people know what they're getting into before they come over. I might even hire a nun to be my bouncer. I've put some thought into this, and here's what I've come up with so far. These are subject to change at my discretion at any time. I also do not feel the need to explain or justify any of these rules.

1. No Payless shoe wearing.
2. No poor grammar or making up your own words. Making up words is only acceptable if the aforementioned words are witty and/or make the majority of the people in the house laugh.
3. Please bring presents. If you do not have a present, please be prepared with a hilarious joke.
4. Shirts, shoes, pants, underpants, and socks are all optional. Deodorant is not.
5. Singing and/or instrument playing is encouraged.
6. No yelling or whip cracking. This is especially important at parties where I might get evicted. Oh...a note on the whip cracking. Whip cracking INDOORS is perfectly acceptable under controlled circumstances.
7. No spending copious amounts of time on the phone and/or text messaging with someone who is not present. This is especially true if said person is a douchebag.




The Boy said...

The rules are amazingly hilarious....i didnt know that this mall carried so many rules, especially for a facility that is so run down and has only 3 active stores. I mean, what MALL has 3 stores? Could this actually be considered a REAL mall? Does CVS even count as a REAL store? I think not ;)

Had fun "the girl" :) xoxo

Lauren said...

Love. Especially #1.

Andy said...

I have to agree with most of your rules. In lieu of a present, I offer a joke:
I was doing this guy in the butt the other day, and he turned around and winked at me.
"Whoh, what are you, gay?" I said.

And, scene.