Monday, April 27, 2009


Alright, I love summer as much as the next girl--possibly even MORE than the next girl, depending on who that girl is. However, as soon the temperature starts to creep up, so do the hems on people's pants. I am, of course, referring to The Arrival of the Shorts.

Shorts can be really cute. SOMETIMES. They can also be the most horrific sight one is likely to encounter on a hot summer day. On principle, I very rarely wear shorts. I have no qualms about wearing very short skirts. Those are usually adorable. But there is a thin line between "Those are cute!" Shorts and "What in God's name was she THINKING!?" Shorts. I do not wish to tread that line.

Already this year, I have been the visual victim of many shorts infractions. Seriously, I feel like my eyes have been raped. So, for the good of all humanity, I have compiled what is surely only a partial list of rules for wearing shorts. Please pay it heed...and if you're reading one of these and thinking to yourself, "But I look GOOD when I do that," I fear I am too late to help you. You have fallen victim to the Shorts Epidemic.

How Not to Be a Shorts Rapist:
by Sara

1. At the gym, there are two girls. They always work out together, they have matching side ponytails, and are somewhere between eleven and thirteen years old. They're cute. They are also CHILDREN. But every day, they both come in wearing "shorts" that would more accurately be defined as boy-cut underwear. They're tight, tiny, colorful little one-inch pieces of cloth that do not even cover their entire butts. Seriously. There is cheekage. This is not ok, no matter how cute, tan, young, old, thin, muscular, or exhibitionistic you might be. This could probably be more beneficial in a "How to Get Gang Banged in the Parking Lot of the Gym" list.

2. This is designed specifically for the gentlemen. I know that Umbros are cool. Or at least, they WERE cool in 1993. However, if you opt to wear them (or shorts with any other silkish material) please, please PLEASE wear underwear. Why? Because we can see your junk. Every little wrinkle, every little vein. And while everyone enjoys an unexpected penis sighting, this is not going to do wonders for your popularity. Additionally, if you are wearing swim trunks as shorts, and thereby not wearing underwear, please do not sit with your legs spread. Your little soldier will try to escape, and unbeknownst to you, dangle out the side.

3. The 80's, tragically, have ended. If the button on your shorts is anywhere over your bellybutton, please remove them from your list of possessions. Even if you have the behind of an Ass God/Goddess, you'll get Mom Butt. You know what I mean.

4. So you've avoided all of the above pitfalls. You ran out to your favorite trendy little store, and purchased a perfectly acceptable pair of shorts. You rush home, slide them on, lay down on your bed to snap them shut, and start to strut your "I have hot shorts" strut down the street. If the insides of the shorts keep rising between your thighs, so that there is an upside down letter V of shorts material pointing directly at your crotch...go back and get a bigger size. Seriously. No one will know.

5. Finally, this is one I learned last year, the hard way, when I was determined that a pair of cute white shorts from Banana Republic would be JUST what I needed to complete my summer wardrobe. If you are REALLY pale...white shorts are not ok for you. Your porcelain goddess skin will not be admired and appreciated. It will be mocked. As a side note, I never did purchase them...I just stared longingly at them from afar.

You're welcome.



Jude said...

I'm going to start coming to your gym. I'm not going to work out, just watch to see what falls out of where and what makes am imprint into the fabric.

Cadence said...

You're going to be that creepy man who just sits on one of the machines and stares at everyone!

Andy said...

"while everyone enjoys an unexpected penis sighting".... not true... oh man, not true.

Scott said...

Thank you for making it a more attractive world for all of us.

Andy said...

I gave you some blog love today (opposed to prison shower love. That would hurt)

Cadence said...

Blog love! Yessssssss...and I'd like to add that prison shower love only hurts for one of the two active parties...

Hartnell19 said...

i seriously just laughed so hard i am now in tears in my office.