Thursday, April 2, 2009
Ok, you all know the show 7th Heaven, right? You've definitely seen it. Reverend Camden with his bitchwife Annie and their passel of children, pets, and random stragglers who are invited into their home and indoctrinated with important family values and lessons?
I hate this show. I hate every single one of the characters. If it was possible to have negative respect for something, that is the amount of respect I have for the writing, acting, plot lines, and character development. AB and I tried to discuss who we hated the most on that show, but the conversation just lapsed into stunned silence, because it's an impossible question. It would be like trying to count to infinity (although I hear Chuck Norris counted to infinity--twice.) I asked him if he was forced to blow up one of the Camdens who he would choose, and he just shook his head in befuddlement and said, "Can't...too many." I think though, if I really had to, I could narrow it down to Lucy or Ruthie. I just stare at my television screen and can feel liquid hatred fill my eyes.
None of that is very interesting. We all have television shows that we hate. But the trick is that I can NOT stop watching this show. In fact, I seek it out! When I go home over lunch, I immediately turn to the Hallmark channel (which is just bullshit in and of itself...they make cards, not television shows) and know that I will see a gruesome explosion of hugs, bad acting, and important morals. And I do it. Every single day. And then I drive back to work, singing the theme song and marvelling at the atrocity.
Do you think this is what heroin addicts feel like? And if you were to choose a Camden to throw into a river full of snapping alligators and electric eels, who would you choose?