Rules

"Let's go over the ground rules. Rule number one--no touching of the hair or face. AND THAT'S IT!"
~ Ron Burgandy

So I spent a lovely part of the weekend visiting The Boy. We decided to go on a little cinematic adventure, and take in the movie Role Models. Since the fancy theatre in town had absolutely absurd showing times, we decided to go to a slightly more ghettofied movie theatre in a local mall. As we entered the mall, I noticed a list of rules. I was intrigued. A mall with rules? Genius! I insisted that we stop and review them.

1. No hood wearing
2. No hanging out
3. No one 16 and under allowed without a parent or guardian 21 or older
4. No skateboarding healies or bike riding on mall property
5. No bad language
6. Please keep your cell phones/iPods very low
7. Pants are to be worn around the waist

I don't think I need to explain to anyone who knows me how brutally amused I was by this list. I basically almost peed my pants laughing. I could write a whole separate blog analyzing and mocking these rules...and I might at a later time. No hanging out??? It's a mall! Who enforces these rules? Little nuns with rulers scurrying around and smacking the fingers of perpetrators who might be "hanging out?" And since when do iPods make noise that other people can hear? I digress. I did, however, insist on having my picture taken with the rules.



I also realized that if this little skanky mall can have a list of rules at their entrances, I should probably have my own list of seven important rules for my own house. I can post them on my door, that way people know what they're getting into before they come over. I might even hire a nun to be my bouncer. I've put some thought into this, and here's what I've come up with so far. These are subject to change at my discretion at any time. I also do not feel the need to explain or justify any of these rules.

1. No Payless shoe wearing.
2. No poor grammar or making up your own words. Making up words is only acceptable if the aforementioned words are witty and/or make the majority of the people in the house laugh.
3. Please bring presents. If you do not have a present, please be prepared with a hilarious joke.
4. Shirts, shoes, pants, underpants, and socks are all optional. Deodorant is not.
5. Singing and/or instrument playing is encouraged.
6. No yelling or whip cracking. This is especially important at parties where I might get evicted. Oh...a note on the whip cracking. Whip cracking INDOORS is perfectly acceptable under controlled circumstances.
7. No spending copious amounts of time on the phone and/or text messaging with someone who is not present. This is especially true if said person is a douchebag.

Yay.

xoxo

Stardust

"A philosopher once asked, 'Are we human because we gaze at the stars, or do we gaze at them because we're human?' Pointless, really. 'Do the stars gaze back?' Now THAT'S a question..."
Stardust

How is it that I'm just NOW hearing about the movie Stardust? I took today off from work, and upon going shopping, going to the gym, and other general frivolity, I decided to watch this movie, which I hadn't really heard of before. I'm not going to lie...Michelle Pfeiffer, Claire Danes, Ian McKellan, Robert DeNiro, Ricky Gervais, funny ghosts who remind me a whole lot of the old guys in The Muppets, unicorns, green fire, magic, stars (and dust, apparently)...it's not really a brilliant script, but I am thoroughly entertained. Just needed to throw that out there. I'd also like to say that as much as I love the stars, I'm really glad that I'm not one. If I were to start glowing every time I got happy about something, there would be a serious problem. I bet it would be pretty though!

Earnest

"I never change. Except in my affections."
Gwendolen, The Importance of Being Earnest

The wonderful Lauren Rees, Nick Hughes, and ME as Cecily, Chausuble, and Gwen. I love Victorian people in front of televisions.


This weekend, I learned that Oyster Mill Playhouse in Camp Hill is putting up The Importance of Being Earnest, possibly my favorite play ever written. A few years ago, I had the opportunity to play Gwendolen, and it was possibly one of the most amazing productions I'd ever been in. Fantastic cast, amazing director, just an all around wonderful experience. So, when I heard that Oyster Mill was doing it, I threw reason aside and ran up to audition on a whim.

Callbacks were last night, and I wasn't able to attend. I had to work, and honestly the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it might not be my wisest plan to do that show again. I was so lucky to have such a phenomenal time with it the first time around. And I relatively recently had the unfortunate experience of seeing a fairly wretched production of it (a few key elements aside) and all I could remember thinking was, "Dear God, thank you for giving me MY Earnest, and not this stage-dwelling disaster." Not that the entire production completely blew. I was just jaded. Additionally, this theatre is in Harrisburg, and with work, school, and life (you know...my friends, boys, parties, other shows I want to do, murder mysteries, and that great game with the spinny thing in the middle) I'm not 100% sure I could commit the time. In any case, I didn't make it to callbacks.

Around 10:00 p.m. last night, the director called me to offer me the role of Gwendolen...which is exactly what I'd wanted. How did I swing that without even going to callbacks? Was I THAT good? Or was everyone else THAT bad? So now I'm not sure what to do. I seriously don't think I have the time to commit to it...but I love the show. I also don't know anything about Oyster Mill. So I'm torn. I would appreciate advice and/or thoughts on this matter!

And just another quick jaunt down memory lane...here's me, Eric (our director) and Lauren backstage before opening night...I get so nostalgic and happy when I think about this show!

xoxo

Vote

Do it, bitches. If you don't want to listen to me, listen to Sarah Silverman. She's much funnier than I am, and also more famous. Although to be honest, I am kind of a local celebrity. I'm very important...in York, Pennsylvania. Awesome.


The Great Schlep from The Great Schlep on Vimeo.

Mania

Holy shit. I am so excited. I mean, SO EXCITED. I'm like Jesse Spano from Saved By the Bell on caffeine pills before the big performance. Don't you even pretend you don't know what I'm talking about.



I haven't been this excited in a really long time. I blame a few things. One of them is a giant buttface who sucks the fun out of life. The other is the lack of alcohol in my life for the past few months. And even though I still can't drink, I'm SO EXCITED!

So it's Halloween. And so much fun is going to be had this weekend. Tonight the boy is coming (yay!) and we're going to a party at Kate's. This party will then depart to 2nd Street in Harrisburg for what is bound to be a rousing good time. There will likely be lots of crazy people running all around, and that is fantastic.

Tomorrow I'm doing a show, which is good because I'll get money. I like money. When I have it, that is. When I don't, we're bitter enemies. Then, just about everyone I know and love is coming out to Bube's Brewery for an evening of mayhem and debauchery. I LOVE THOSE THINGS! Especially when they are partners.

Now, in more serious news, I will be turning off my phone starting at 7:00 p.m. this evening. I will not be turning it back on until 7:00 p.m. on Sunday. Please read my prior entry for more details about this event. That is a much more grave thing...but it will be interesting fodder for the essay that I'm going to be Pulitzer Prize winning. So please leave me messages on my phone letting me know that you love me even though I will not be able to respond immediately.

Yay.

Affair

I am involved in a very serious, very passionate, incredibly torrid love affair. We spend literally every waking moment within arm's reach of each other, and every night we rest contentedly with our faces several inches apart. Oh yes...the passion that exists between myself and my cell phone is unmatchable. I will, however, admit to being almost as in love with my laptop. But my laptop doesn't fit so snugly in my pocket (or sitting in my bra on vibrate if I'm out somewhere loud...this would be where the physical intimacy gets exciting.) Some call it an obsession, but I prefer to think of it as a glorious romance. I get angry it, I've carelessly tossed it aside, it frustrates me...but every ounce of pain becomes worth it as soon as I hear those beautiful digital chimes letting me know that someone has text messaged me. Or that someone is calling me. Or perhaps I've even gotten a picture message. Oh yes...it's hot.

As most of you know, I'm currently in grad school pursuing my MFA in Creative Writing Nonfiction. I have a piece that will be due for my classmates in about a week, and I thought that an intriguing experiment to write about would be to turn off my cell phone and unplug my laptop for 48 hours. I'll pause and give you a moment to think about the implications this might have for me. Me...the girl who can text at the speed of light, who probably receives 10 e-mails, 20 phone calls, and possibly over 100 text messages every day. The girl who gets concerned voice mails left for her if she doesn't pick up her phone. Ok, now that you've hopefully digested the severity of this experiment, I'll give you another moment to laugh at me.

So, I've spent the past month trying to figure out what weekend would be the best weekend in which to unplug myself. The issue...I couldn't find a weekend! I couldn't stand the thought of not waking up to "good morning" text messages from the boy or falling asleep to "xoxo" lit up brightly on my screen. However, after a month of trying to plan a weekend, I finally settled on this past one. Sadly, it didn't pan out. It worked for a few hours, until I got to the Open House I had to run on campus Saturday and realized that 40 of my students were relying on being able to text me throughout the program with questions and to get directions. So I gave up before I started. I think Freud would have something to say about my subconscious here, but I'm going to ignore that.

What I think I'm going to have to do is run this experiment during the week. I'll have to leave my cell phone off and unplug my laptop...and during work hours only answer my work phone and check my work e-mail. There's got to be a way to disable gmail, right?

I'm still completely panicked. But alas, I'll move forward. It's for the sake of art, right? And to test my sanity...but hopefully I'll look back on this and laugh!

xoxo

Halloween

"I can't help it. I can resist everything except temptation."
~Oscar Wilde

Why yes...I HAVE been missing lately! And yes, it is because I joined the circus. Trapeze artistry has always been a penchant of mine. But I'm back now...apparently you have to have some kind of "experience" or "talent" to join the circus. They're not nearly as welcoming as you'd expect.

But in semi-related news...can I just tell you how excited I am for Halloween this year? Here are some reasons that are birthing this excitement:

1. I have an awesome costume idea for once (albeit a rather whorish one...but it's not gratutitous. The whorish nature of this costume is just how it has to be.)
2. I have persuaded several people to dress up WITH me, thus making my costume make sense.
3. There is to be a night of spooks and spirits and festivities, and we all know I love a good party!
4. Did I mention that my costume is way hot?
5. The candy corn is in its Halloweenish abundance.

That might actually be all. But aside from my usual lunacy, I'm very excited about certain things that are happening in life right now. Halloween is just one of them.

Vague? Me? Rubbish.

xoxo

Desiderata

by Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for there will always be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreaams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Dreams

"Nonsense, now and then, is pleasant."
~Horace

It's definitely possible that dreams are just our mind's way of entertaining us while we sleep. Because honestly, maybe our subconscious gets bored at night. However, I really don't think that's true. I would instead prefer to believe that our dreams are our subconscious' way of cluing is into things that we're too stupid to be aware of while we're awake. I do not, however, believe that dreams predict the future. That's just absurd. You'd need a really talented psychic and at least $9.95/minute for those kinds of shenanigans. So, with that in mind, let me tell you about two dreams I've had recently. I'd like to detour for a minute to tell you that I crack myself up with the fact that I remember my dreams so well. They're also usually really vivid. I find that this makes me more interesting, which is something I always like to be.

DREAM ONE:
This dream was really short. I was sitting in my bedroom, and a little frog jumped out. And I was like, "Hey...why is there a frog in my bed?" So I caught him and held onto him for a little while, and then he hopped away. Then a cat came out and chased him, and I was like, "Hey...why is there a cat in my room?" And then I woke up. And I looked up "frogs" in a dream dictionary, and here is what a frog is supposed to symbolize:

To see frogs leaping in your dream, may indicate your lack of commitment. You have the tendency to jump from one thing to another. Alternatively, it may suggest that you are taking major steps toward some goal

I mean...come ON. Have you MET me lately?

DREAM TWO:
I was walking out of my house to go to work, and a teeny little kitten stopped me and wanted me to adopt it. But I didn't want to adopt it. I did like it though, and I found it to be very cute, so I didn't want it to leave...I just wanted it to keep coming around. So I went and got it a bowl of milk. You know, to entice it to stick around even though I was unwilling to adopt it. Then I tried leaving for work, and the kitten started bitching at me. That's all.

I did not need a dream dictionary to explain this one to me.

I feel that these dreams have more in common than just the appearance of a cat. I'm not even all that into cats. But I also think that while dreams aren't things you should live your life by, it may not be a bad idea to give them some thought. I mean, don't dwell. Don't lose sleep over them (ha!) But think of them as little landmarks on your trip through your days.

Birthday

Hair

"Now, isn't this better than sitting at a table? A girl hasn't got but two sides to her at the table."
~Scarlett O'Hara

Things that are likely to happen to you if you get your hair semi-drastically cut:

1. You will be able to run faster. Seriously, I was running 5.4 mph at the gym, and now I'm running 5.7. Not quite fast...but fastER!

2. Hot guitar players from the band you saw out at the bar will fall instantly in love with you.

3. Your creative brain cells will be inspired and electrified. Essay and manuscript ideas will start to throw a dance party in your head.

4. Approximately 7 people will crawl out of absolutely nowhere and ask you out. You should be prepared for this, lest it becomes overwhelming and weird.

5. You will have more energy. Perhaps my lethargy was secretly hidden in the ends of my hair, and now that they're gone, I can stay up later and be way more fun!

6. You may feel inspired to take on other new initiatives, such as hiking or boating. You will also be compelled to travel more.

So, in short, if you are thinking of cutting your hair, I would be an advocate for that. I've been scared to cut mine for a long time, because I'm a pussy when it comes to my hair, but I kind of love it.

(If you missed the secret message encoded in this blog, I'm going to spell it out for you. Don't be afraid of change. Live your life. And then love the life you live. If nothing ever changed, there wouldn't be any butterflies. Also, the world would be a boring f-ing place to live.)

xoxo

Dance

No one dances anymore.

Yesterday I spent my afternoon doing a Renaissance Faire at a beautiful nursing home in Harrisburg. It was open to the public as a fund raiser, but at some point througout the day, the residents were brought out onto the sprawling grounds to participate. As we were about to start teaching the Renaissance dances, I asked the gentleman with whom I had been speaking if he wanted to join us.

"No, no. My dancing days are over. My wife passed away two years ago, and we used to dance all the time. We were married for 62 years, so I think I've had my fair share of dances."

He talked to me for awhile about his wife, and how they'd moved into the nursing home when she fell ill, selling their house and belongings to afford it.

It reminded me of an instance a few weeks ago when I went out with some friends to listen to a blues singer. During her set, a couple in their mid-eighties stood up and began to dance. They moved so rhythmically, and were so synchronized, and it was one of the most beautiful things I'd seen in a long time. My friend leaned over and whispered, "How long do you think they've been dancing like that?"

I had tears in my eyes. "Forever," I replied.

I used to be so scared of falling in love and being in a relationship, because I thought it meant that I'd have to sacrifice part of myself, and give up my freedom. And then later I thought it was about waiting for a feeling where your heart would pound in anticipation of seeing that other person again. You know...being swept away. But I honestly think it's a whole lot more simple than that.

It's about being 80 years old, and having someone to dance with.

Voice

I think I've lost my voice.

Correction...I'm not completely sure that I ever really had it to begin with.

I don't really know how often I ever say exactly what I'm thinking. I don't know if I'm ever completely honest with anyone. And I don't know if I know how to fix that.

Somehow, without realizing it, I've been trained to make other people happy, to appease other people, and to stifle thoughts and words that might be upsetting to hear. It's to the point that I don't even realize I'm doing it until someone else points it out to me. If I'm telling a story about a conversation I've had, I'll express how I felt to the person, and they'll frequently say, "But did you SAY that out loud, or did you just think it?" And the truth is, I didn't even know I was thinking it at the time. I was just so focused on saying the right thing.

Too many times I find myself dissatisfied with conversations or encounters I've had because I don't feel like I've accomplished anything. The other major complication is that I am something of a social chameleon...which is probably why people are so quickly drawn to me. It's not that I change my morals or beliefs, but I'm exceptionally skilled at knowing what other people want from me. And I do a good job giving it to them. Meanwhile, I fear I might be doing myself a serious injustice. It also leads to me being frustrated with my friends and family for something that isn't their fault. How can they know they're upsetting me when all I do is manipulate my words to make them feel justified?

I'm not sure how to fix this...but I do believe it's probably lurking at the root of the other problems that have been resurfacing for me lately. After a ten-year hibernation, apparently they've decided to wake back up and kick me in the shin. So I'm going to be trying to figure that out. Please don't be offended if I seem more abrasive or less pleasant. I'm just trying to hear my voice.

"My scream got lost in a paper cup.
Do you think there's a heaven where some screams have gone?
I've got twenty-five bucks and cracker, do you think it's enough
To get us there?

Cause what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his with her name still on it?
Hey, but I don't care 'cause sometimes, I said sometimes
I hear my voice, and it's been here.
Silent all these years."
~Tori Amos

Gecko

I would just like to say that I think my life would be much better off if I had a talking gecko. Actually, any gecko would do. Or a Chinese bearded dragon.

I think what I'm saying is that I want a lizard. A lizard would really spice things up.

That is all.



Come ON...how cute is he? I would probably name him Oskar.

xoxo

Retraction

I need to publish a semi retraction. Our rehearsal last night went REALLY smoothly, and everything seemed to work out pretty well. I'm back to thinking that the show might turn out well. We have an audience tonight, so I guess we'll actually find out about that tonight!

If you're someone who reads these, I think it would be a good idea for you to plan on coming to see the show!

xoxo