Harry

So, it's officially over. My love affair with Harry Potter has finally come to an end. And while reading the 7th book was incredibly more traumatic (cut to Andrea and I, dressed up as HP Prom Queens, armed with snacks, curled up in my living room at 4:00 a.m., determined to not sleep or leave the house until we finished it, trying to read at the same exact pace, and occasionally gasping/sobbing) this was the END. I mean, the real end. And since SOMEONE refuses to interview me about this landmark event, I have decided to interview myself. I found myself to be an excellent source, quite willing to extrapolate on my Harry-related views and opinions, and easy to get along with.

Sara: Sara, I won't even ask you feel about this series of movies ending, because it's obvious that you are a combination of heartbroken and excited...it's written all over your face. I will, however, ask you how long you've been involved with Harry?
Sara: Thanks for asking. Contrary to popular belief, I wasn't a Harryite from the beginning. I didn't start reading the books until 2005, after the 6th book was finished. Sometimes I like to resist popular phenoms simply for the sake of resisting them. Like LOST. Also Lord of the Rings. But I finally had to find out what all this hoopla was about. And once I started...oh, heavens, I was in it. Like deep in it. Like Scrooge McDuck in his giant money room.

Sara: Wow, I wouldn't have guessed! So, do you have a favorite character? And, if I might ask, what would your patronus be?
Sara: Funny, the newspaper asked me that in 2007, when we were waiting outside of Borders for the midnight release of the book. That particular news source was very interested in my opinions. I can't say I have a favorite character...I can't even pick a favorite color. I love them all for different reasons. Except Dolores Umbridge. I do not love her in the slightest. And I think my patronus would be a fish. A really cool fish.

Sara: A fish! How fun. Let's talk about the books versus the movies. Some people have a hard time enjoying both. What's your take?
Sara: I think the books and the movies have to be accepted as two completely separate entities, not to be compared to one another. If you try to compare them, you're just going to be let down, because they're different art forms. But the movies have been great, and even though I thought the last one glossed over some important plot points, I still thought it was fantastic. I should mention here that I also just loved GOING to the last movie. There were hundreds of dressed up people, and I like dressed up people way more than regular people.

Sara: One last question, if you don't mind. Now that it's all over, how do you plan to keep your Harry love alive?
Sara: Well, I'm planning to go to the Harry Potter exhibit in NYC over my birthday. And soon I'll start the re-reading of the entire series process. I'll probably also read the books to my future children, once they get here...until then, I'll read them to my puppy.

Duncan

Duncan the Puppy has been here for about a month. Puppies, in case you were wondering, completely turn your life upside down. Also, they pee about 459 times a day. They also somehow make you love them more fiercely than you can imagine almost immediately. But he's great. He's smart, fairly chill for a 15 week old puppy, and the cutest freaking thing you're ever going to meet. Please see the car ride photo shoot that I'm posting as evidence.

But a month is long enough to really start to get to know someone, especially when you spend every free moment you have with that someone, mostly cuddling or being attacked. It's definitely long enough to find out most of that someone's likes and dislikes.

Duncan Loves:

1. Kisses. He is great at kisses, especially when you pick him up. Which leads to...

2. Being held. He thinks it's the best.

3. Dancing. Amazing dancer.

4. Playing. Duncan is awesome at playing, and also at pulling out toys. He can play with or without you, with other dogs, or by himself. He should get some kind of award for playing.

5. Peeing. Seriously, this dog pees more than I have EVER seen a dog pee. It's basically constant. Luckily it happens outside about 80% of the time, which isn't terrible.

6. Going for walks.

7. Coming home from walks. For as much as he loves walking, as soon as we turn to head home, he gets super excited and runs straight to the door.

8. Treats. Obviously. Treats are the best.

9. Everyone. Are you a person? Duncan loves you and wants to play with you.

10. Chasing butterflies at the park. This is actually so cute that it's a little bit ridiculous.

11. Jumping. Jumping off of couches, jumping onto couches, jumping after toys, jumping down stairs...if it's jumping, it's awesome.

12. Naps. Naps rule, and should be taken often.

13. Apples and carrots. He sometimes appreciates a healthy snack.

14. Socks. He doesn't know what to do with them, he just holds them in his mouth. But you'd better believe that he thinks they're fantastic.

15. Cuddles. This includes, but is not limited to, belly rubs, nose nuzzles, ear scratches, etc.

16. Sitting. He's really proud that he knows how to sit. He also loves to lie down and roll over.

17. Tumbling. Falling down in general.

18. The vet's office. It's very exciting and clean. They also seem to love cuddles, so it's a win/win.

19. Car rides. Duncan has recently gotten big enough to jump into the car on his own, so car rides are especially exciting.

20. Going to bed at night.

21. Waking up. So much fun.

22. Water...it's hilarious, evidently.

23. Other dogs. Even the ones who don't particularly appreciate a puppy pouncing on them.

24. Doing laps around the living room after coming inside the house. It's very, very important that he runs at least 2 laps around the living room after coming inside.

25. Biting your face. Your face needs to be bitten, and he's the man to do it.

Duncan Hates:

...

I'll let you know when I stumble across ANYTHING that this dog hates. Mostly he thinks every single thing he encounters is the absolute best. Have you seen Parks and Recreation? He is the dog version of Rob Lowe's character.

I love him.

xoxo

DuoFest

I haven't blogged at all, really, about the improv troupe that I'm in. I think it's because if you really wanted to hear more about The Oxymorons, you'd either ask or you'd already know all there is to know because you would be following us on facebook or you'd be a regular visitor to our web site and I don't want to bore/overwhelm/annoy you with all that. Plus, I really don't like the idea of improv taking over my life. I love it and all, don't get me wrong. But there just have to be spaces in my life that have nothing to do with it, and so far, this has been one of them.

So now that I've said all that, I'm going to go ahead and ruin it. Sounds pretty typical, right?

I LOVE DUOFEST! Let me 'splain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up.

So a few months ago, The Oxymorons and our improv besties Don't Break the Streak did a workshop in Philly. Kim and I happened to do a scene together (although I think we kind of planned to do a scene together) and after it, Greg (my improv hero and the director of the workshop) pulled us aside and said we should try out for DuoFest, a national festival in Philly that featured improv duos. Regardless of the fact that we were not, as it were, a duo, we wholeheartedly agreed.

Cut to the day of the submission deadline, in a basement...Hot and Modest formed. We submitted, we were accepted, we performed at some shows, and last weekend, we rocked DuoFest. We met amazing people, we saw ridiculously talented improv, and we got free drinks. Also SWAG. And here are my most favorite parts of the weekend:

1. Shopping. I'm not even going to try to ignore that, because I'd feel like a dirty liar. But there was an Anthropologie, a Tiffany's, a Lush, and a MAC within two blocks of our hotel.
2. After parties. Improv people like to party. More importantly, they like to give us free drink tickets and then stumble around the upstairs portion of an Irish bar and talk about smart things. I like smart things, smart people, Irish bars, and alcohol. It was an implosion of awesomeness.
3. Meeting "fans." That probably makes it sound cooler than it was, but it was pretty cool that when we got there, a bunch of people had already seen our video clips and wanted to tell us how funny we are. And that's kind of a big deal, considering I met some of the funniest people I've ever encountered this weekend.
4. Maoz. This is my new favorite restaurant. It's vegan, it's fast, it's healthy, and it's open until 3am. I'm in love. Please go there, and please try the eggplant and hummus salad, especially if you'd like to have your life changed forever.
5. Spending 3 straight days being no more than 100 feet away from Kim and us not hating each other. I miss her now, because she is certainly at least several hundred feet away from me, and I don't have anyone to counter my blind optimism and sunny disposition with a sardonic quip or heavy eye roll.
6. Candy. Turns out I enjoy Mike and Ikes, and there was a quaint candy shop right on the corner of the street the theatre was on. I like candy.
7. Learning the intimate details of a stranger's first sexual encounter and then extrapolating upon them in front of a large group of other strangers. Thanks, Megan.
8. The Cascade, Rachel and Dave, Jessica Tandy, Michael Loves Greg, The Amie and Kristen Show...I could really just keep going on here naming duos that I am currently blown away by. I mean, just to name a few things, there was a fire set in a school (three times), a suicide plan on a wedding anniversary, awkward kitchen sex...who WOULDN'T love those things?
9. Improvisers. They're great. They are different from theatre people, because they do not seem to want to claw your eyes out in order to get a part. In fact, they appear to be supportive, happy for you, and welcoming, and I like all of that.
10. Actually PERFORMING in DuoFest! I'll be honest, we were nervous. Nervousness, though, turns out to be an excellent diet. But people laughed heartily, we had people we love in the audience supporting us, and we had lots of nice things said about the performance itself (see above: supportive improvisers.)

So, thanks, DuoFest, for rocking my world. And for anyone who has missed Hot and Modest, you have a few options.
a. Become our fan on facebook at www.facebook.com/hotandmodest
b. Check out our video clips on youtube.
c. Come out to the Comedy Zone and/or a fun show in Shippensburg on June 18 to see us live.
d. All of the above.

xoxo

Vegan

I have been a vegetarian for about 10 years. Ish. I have been sort of flirting with becoming a vegan for the past year or so, but just couldn't commit. About a month ago, I decided to just go for it and give it a whirl. Because I'm a nerd and completely obsessive compulsive, I also decided to read everything I could find about the proper way to be a vegan, the many health benefits, and (of course) the effects that eating meat/dairy have on animals and the environment. I have learned a lot of things since my vegan conversion, and since I'm sure your life's purpose hinges delicately on reading my thoughts, I would like to share them with you. Feel free to tell a friend.

1. There are only two ways for people to tell other people that they're a vegan. They are either profoundly apologetic (identifiable by a slight cringe and eye aversion when they say, carefully, "Oh, no thanks...I'm a...vegan" or ridiculously entitled. This one is probably more common, and generally accompanied with a condescending, pitying shrug while the person talking tallies up yet another person to whom they are intellectually and physically superior.

2. I am a terrible cook. Seriously. Now, to be fair, I bake delicious pasties and desserts, but when it comes to cooking meals, I am just not the best. I've tried multiple new dishes, and have found about two that are great. The rest I have managed to mess up. Tofu, really? Who actually cooks with that?

3. It's a good idea, if you're a vegan (who isn't out to convert the world to your way of thinking through instilling shame) to come up with lots of fun reasons that you have made this choice, because literally everyone you know will want to ask you why you've decided to avoid animal products. The truth is, they don't REALLY want to know, because telling them all the yucky truths will make them uncomfortable. Better to give fun reasons, like "I'm allergic...to animals. All of them. When ingested, they would cause my stomach to spontaneously combust" or "Look, there's a war coming, and we all have to choose sides. The plants have built an army, and I'm putting my money on them. They've got strong roots," or "Well, I watched The Land Before Time a lot as a kid, and I really admire Littlefoot's character, especially when you consider what a scallywag that Sharptooth villain turned out to be."

4. Irony of all ironies, after posting that ode to bananas, it turns out I'm allergic to them. This also leads to something else that I have learned, which is that I am the absolute worst at noticing things. It was weeks of pain and sickness before I connected the fact that bananas were the culprit.

5. WholeFoods. Sure, I spent $45 on about six items, but I could have spent all day in there. I like a little bit of pretention with my shopping experience, thank you very much. I also like the fact that unlike at Giant (where I am now forced to do ALL of my grocery shopping) there are aisles upon aisles upon aisles of vegan deliciousness. And things are frequently labeled "vegan," which saves me work. I don't like work.

6. Some surprisingly non-vegan foods that I am currently mourning: candy corn, gummy candy (obviously my priorities are candy-related), Utz Specials pretzels, croutons, all varieties of Special K, my favorite Aurora granola, Jell-o Mousse.

7. They make a vegan food pyramid! It's a whole lot like the regular food pyramid, designed to make you hyperaware that you're doing a terrible job at feeding yourself. But just look at how fun and tropical it looks!

xoxo

So-called

We got a new puppy. His name is Duncan, and please take a moment and picture the cutest thing you've ever seen. Is it a fat little baby? A kitten in a basket? He's cuter than that...like a lot. This blog, however, is not about him...not even about the fact that he's a freaking genius and learned to sit on command at 10 weeks old in about 10 minutes. Or the fact that he has green eyes and loves everyone. It is, instead, about the fact that when you get a new puppy, you get to wake up at stupid o'clock every morning to avoid spending the first 45 minutes of your day cleaning up a crate covered in poo. I'm not complaining! I knew that this is what happens...and it's a fun bonding time. Duncan and I have started watching the series My So-Called Life on Netflix every morning. And here, friends, is where my story begins.

If you've never seen this show, I can catch you up pretty quickly. Angela Chase, played by a really skinny Claire Danes, is a sophomore in high school, and full of teen angst. She has friends that her parents don't approve of, is in love with a derelict (but really hot) boy who likes to lean on lockers and sigh heavily, and narrates the show with adolescent philosophical commentary. That pretty much covers it. Oh, and since it was filmed in the 90's, she wears a lot of plaid shirts with everything. I mean, with EVERYTHING. Plaid shirts with overalls (I totally wore those in high school, by the way, and they were cool. I swear. Rachel in Friends wore them, so just TRY to dispute that), plaid shirts with flowered dresses, plaid shirts with tights. Plaid, plaid, plaid. Thanks, 1995.

I remember watching this show and being astonished on a weekly basis by how much Angela GOT me. I was totally in love with the Jordan Catalano of my high school! I also felt misunderstood and far too smart for everyone around me. I couldn't believe the trials she faced, I cried when Jordan stood her up, I felt an instant and perpetual dislike for her overbearing mother who just refused to understand anything. I didn't feel like I WAS Angela, but I got it. I loved that show! It, along with Beverly Hills 90210 and Friends, was a show I really tried not to miss, because I was really invested in her life. It spoke to me.

So naturally, when it was added to the Netflix instant queue, I was pumped. Added it immediately. And was completely thrown when the following things were my new thoughts:
* Angela, shut UP. Jesus Christ, you have a really nice life, stop flipping whining and be nicer to your parents.
* That poor mother. She is literally doing everything she can to cater to her moody, bitchy, ungrateful teenage daughter, and all the girl does in response is moan, run her fingers through her hair, and complain.
* Rayanne might be the most annoying high school friend I can imagine. What a drain.
* Jordan Catalano...still hot. Also kind of a dick. And dumb. Where is he going in life? Where is his ambition? I mean, if he can't even come meet her parents, how is he going to be supportive? What kind of presents would he get her for their anniversary (a lot of my opinions are formed based on material gifts, apparently.)
* None of her philosophies make any sense, and are completely formed in an egotistical, self-important, entitled frame of mind. Again, shut UP and maybe try having a conviction that goes beyond yourself. For a girl who has never faced any serious or legitimate tribulation, she sure does pity herself.

I'm going to stop there, because I already know what you're thinking. Don't feel bad, I thought it too. I'm old. I am literally closer in age to Angela's mother (who is 40) than Angela (who is 15.) When did that happen? And what did my poor parents think when I was telling them what an important show this was? To be fair, I never had issues with my parents like Angela did. My parents do, and always did, rock. But they must have been a little nervous. So that's what I've learned, friends. I'm kind of old. I just really hope Duncan never dyes his hair, makes questionable new friends, or starts going out at all hours of the night in the hopes of starting a relationship that is destined to disappoint him and ruin his self-esteem. I think we should start watching Full House.

Requiem

In Memorium:

Oh, Candy Corn, how I have loved thee. Throughout the years, you have been my steadfast friend, a confidant, a nugget of sugary deliciousness in times of yucky candy alternatives like Babe Ruths or Peeps. Every fall, around Halloween, we all looked forward to the first candy corn harvest of the season. The first bright orange bag to sneak into an array of chocolates and nougat. And then, suddenly there was Easter candy corn! Valentine's Day candy corn! Even Christmas candy corn. It's almost as if the heavens had opened up and rained processed honey and refined sugar down upon the mortals.

However, Candy Corn, I've recently become a pretty hard core vegan (more on that in an upcoming blog post.) As you know, I've been a vegetarian for about ten years, and have been kind of flirting with the whole vegan situation for about a year now. But about a month ago, I made the commitment to go at it full force...and unfortunately that means I have to let you go. As you also know, I have somewhere close to 100 bags of candy corn sitting in a closet in the guest bedroom...and I wonder what I should do with those? My first thought was to throw them away, but that just seems harsh and careless. I do know of others who love candy corn...perhaps I should spread the candy corn love around? The world would be a much more peaceful place if everyone had a bag of candy corn.

Perhaps one day we'll meet again. It's been a pretty good month so far though (I also gave up refined sugar and white flour) and it's amazing how quickly my body has gotten accustomed to those things. In fact, candy corn, I haven't craved you in quite some time. But I do know that you've got to get out of the closet, because who knows when a craving will strike...and I do like to do things right. Oh, and you might want to pass this message along to your friends Gummy Bears--actually, the whole Gummy family. Swedish Fish, luckily, ARE vegan, so I'm going to try to develop that relationship again, in moderation.

So...thanks for the memories. I'm sorry to have replaced you with things like cashews, dried dates, puffed kabut, and soy crisps. But if you ever need a reference, please feel free to get back in touch with me.

xoxo

Royalty

I think it's only a matter of time before I find myself in the position of ruler (Empress, perhaps?) of a small foreign country. The more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that this country will be a tropical one, perhaps on an island. Perhaps on an island that travels through time and is home to smoke monsters and strange tribes of people who never age...but an island never the less.

I recently realized that I should probably be prepared for when this inevitable rulership occurs. So I've decided to make an edict so that people interested in residing in my country (and no, it won't have my name in it. I will worry about naming this country after I am crowned) know what they're getting into. A set of laws, if you will. A completely unreligious Ten Commandments. A Bill of Rights.

1. Everyone gets a puppy. This puppy may or may not come in a really fantastic outfit. It just depends. But everyone gets a puppy.
2. Debates will be solved with wit, emphatic finger pointing, and a hilarious joke contest.
3. Glitter. I hope you like it, because it will probably be everywhere.
4. There will be no Payless Shoe Stores in the country. Those who attempt to enter the country wearing shoes from Payless will be kindly asked to remove them.
5. There would be several new national holidays: Candy Day, Cupcake Day, Dress Up Day, and Hat Day. It would basically be like Spirit Week all the time.
6. There would be a really strict immigration code that would include a written exam, a photo shoot, a practical exam having to do with fashion sense, and a variety act of some kind. Like hula hooping or a vaudeville number.
7. You probably think I'm going to say that no one would have to work...but that would just be ridiculous. People still have to have jobs. However, the work day will always be broken up with a dance break, snack time, and a mandatory mid-day nap. Also the work week will be no more than 30 hours.
8. Your social standing in my country will be based on a points system. You get points for things like having a fun outfit on, interesting artistic abilities, and doing things that I find funny. You lose points for being a jerk.
9. There are many gyms, and they are open 24/7. Fitness is important in this country, because we will probably enter the Olympics eventually. However, there is a whole set of other gym rules...ones that include not being a gym creeper, and wearing clothes that fit.
10. Hugs are a viable form of currency.

xoxo

Bananas

You know what I like about bananas? Well, I mean, a lot of things. I like eating them, I also like the idea of people dressed up like bananas. Or dogs dressed up like bananas. Oh, I'd like to be clear that I do NOT like banana-flavored things. Ew. However, what I'm talking about here is the fact that no matter what, a banana is always a viable option. There is no segregation amongst bananas. You see, if you are a devoted fruitist, like I am, you get really excited when you go somewhere and fresh fruit is an option. Generally you are presented with apples, bananas, oranges, and a weird "fruit salad" which is a tricky way of saying "bowl of gross melons." But the thing is...with apples, so many varieties exist, and yet I'm always offered the lame ones. Usually Red Delicious. On a rare occasion, I'll see Granny Smith.

No one likes those apples. Honestly. No one. Wouldn't it be great if they had Pink Lady apples (which happen to be my favorite, in case you're interested in giving me apples as a present) or Gala apples? Braeburn? Even a Fuji? It doesn't happen, and so I feel like a jerk turning up my nose just because I don't happen to like that particular apple variety. This very serious problem does not exist with bananas. A banana is a banana is a banana. None of this discrimination. And that makes them pretty great. Oh, unless you don't like bananas. Then you're kind of screwed.

Don't even get me started on oranges. Who has time to peel an orange in these situations? And who wants to smell like oranges all day?

xoxo

Jokes

Everyone can calm down. I got a new phone. Crisis averted, please resume your daily activities in a calm fashion. The only caveat was that in getting a new phone, I lost all my phone numbers, pictures, data, EVERYTHING. So, in a desperate plea to try to regain what I had lost, I sent out a facebook post, asking that my friends please text me their phone numbers, along with a hilarious joke. My friends, those tricksters, sure did come through. Here are some of the highlights, from my extremely hysterical friends. You're welcome. (p.s. if you don't see your joke here, please know that it was probably too inappropriate *cough, Toby* and I don't want you to get beat up.)

From Eli:
What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine? A washing machine doesn't follow you around after you dump your load in it.
Blonde jokes...classic. I think there should be more redhead jokes though...and by jokes, I do mean heavy amounts of adoration and gift-giving.

From Keanan:
What did the apple say to the computer?
You may have two cores, but mine can replicate.
I'm going to be honest. I don't get it. Don't start a redhead joke about this.

From Matt S:
A woman and a duck walk into a bar, the bartender says "Where did you get that pig?" The woman replies, "That's not a pig, that's a duck." The bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."
400 ducks walked into a bar, and the bartender says, "I can't serve 400 ducks," and the 400 ducks said, "You are really starting to ruffle my feathers, sir."

From Jason S:
What's green and smells like pork? Kermit's finger.
Ew. Also there are many levels to this joke, because Kermit is controlled by other fingers, so by proxy, are puppeteers fingerbanging Miss Piggy?

From Xine:
So, a hipster walks into a club...
...that you have never heard of before.
Ha. I'd laugh, but I'm busy thinking about existentialism.

From Jess K:
Why did the little girl fall off the swing? Because she had no arms.
Jess had another joke. I'm not publishing it, because I don't want either of us getting arrested.

From Cara:
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay then they would be bagels.
Not going to lie. I cracked up, out loud, at this joke. And then later, I thought about it again, and laughed some more.

P.s. that picture is of me and my mom, laughing uproarioiusly at something. Not at these jokes, clearly, but something in Las Vegas sure did tickle our fancy.

Phone

Can we please just ignore the fact that I haven't blogged since August? Please?

I've encountered a catastrophe of monumental proportions, friends. My phone broke. Let me take you to the scene: I'm sitting at rehearal, blithely unaware of the tragedy that was to ensue, playing a game. Suddenly, and without warning, the screen turned a deathly shade of white. I tried to stay calm...I removed the battery. Still white. I removed the battery and waited several minutes. Still white. Panic began to set in, and I threw my dying phone into the hands of anyone who offered to try to revive it. No luck. And to make matters worse, the phone's functionality stayed in tact...I continued to receive text message, facebook, and email alerts. I just couldn't read them. It was like my phone was crying out for help, and I was powerless to rescue it.

That was Saturday, and I have been phoneless since then. I took the poor carcass into Verizon, where they promised to ship me a new phone--Tuesday. Until then, the nice lady suggested that I revive one of my old phones and activate it. So this morning, I did. I'm now using a zombie phone...a pink Motorola razor, circa 2007. Here are some things that I have learned about 2007 Sara, courtesy of said phone:

1. She was kind of a whore. According to text messages, 2007 Sara was apparently dating about 5 boys. As I recall though, I wasn't exclusively dating any of them. And I certainly wasn't sleeping with them. But still.
2. 2007 Sara loved downloading ringtones. I mean, she freaking LOVED it. She liked to assign ringtones to individuals as well.
3. She was smart enough to download Tetris. Score. She also had some pretty bangin high scores.
4. She loved Dior. She loved Dior enough to make the phrase "J'adore Dior" her banner on her home screen. Could she AFFORD Dior? No. Did that stop her from purchasing it? Doubtful.
5. Apparently 2007 Sara liked to send pictures of herself making faces to her friends. Were camera phones new?

So, while I await the replacement of my Blackberry, you'll find me trying to remember what T9 was like while simultaneously rocking at Tetris. My heartfelt condolences go out to anyone else who has suffered a similar loss.

xoxo

LA

Dear LA Fitness,

I'm sorry I had to pass you this note rather than talk to you in person. But it's just too hard. I have so many emotions right now. I'm confused, I'm hurt, and you haven't been returning any of my text messages. And yet...I still keep running back to you, every day. What is this hold you have over me??

I know you already know what I'm upset about, but since you refuse to talk about it (you can be such a coward sometimes), and because I deserve the opportunity to express my feelings, I just need to let you hear this. On Tuesday, we were lifting weights, like we always do. We were SO HAPPY, LA. So happy. And suddenly, I felt a muscle pull in my neck. I know it's not your fault, and I don't blame you. But I just felt like you didn't care! You didn't ask how I was doing. You didn't seem concerned. And why do I feel like you were almost happy that I couldn't finish my lifting? Is it because you wanted some other, younger, prettier girl to lift with? And even though I've seen you every day since then, you haven't asked if I'm feeling better. I am...not that you care.

Just about twenty minutes after the muscle pull, we were running on the elliptical together--so carefree, making plans for the future. And suddenly, out of nowhere, the pedal fell off. LA...I could have been seriously hurt. But again, not a word from you.

You had to know I was upset, and maybe I'm overreacting, but it's just because I get so nervous when we fight. Are you going to leave me? Would you revoke my membership? Cancel spin classes? You're so unpredictable! But I guess that's what I love about you.

So where do we go from here, LA? You know I can't stay away. I could be tired, hungry, sick, or hurt, but you know I'll be there. Be honest--is there someone else? You've seemed distant, and I see the way those other girls wiggle around the gym in their teeny little shorts and overly sexualized exercise wear. Whores.

I'll be there again tomorrow. Can we talk?

xoxo

August

This just in: August 2010 has recently been renamed Saramonth. By me, which is really all that matters. Also, the arsonist has oddly shaped feet. You know what I'm saying.

First of all, August is my birthday month! I am a Leo, because I know you were wondering. I also enjoy long walks on the beach and snuggling. Oh, and throwing underwear dance parties on my bed. But more than all of those things, I enjoy making lists, so the following is irrefutable evidence that this month is obviously mine:

1. I just graduated from grad school! More on that in my next blog post, because I have more to say about it. But for now, please know that I have my Master's degree, and with that degree have become infinitely smarter. I feel like I just know more things, have the capability to spout wise statements, can converse intelligently with scholars and scientists...it's a good feeling. Also, having my Master's means a raise at work, which means I'm that much closer to being able to afford a giraffe.

2. I turn 30 this month. Probably most females would be in hysterics, but I'm kind of excited. Life seems to just get better as time goes on, so I can't even imagine what great things will happen in my thirties! Maybe I'll discover that AB is actually a duke/lord/prince/king of some unknown tropical (yet well equipped with a Tiffany's and a Sugar Factory) island so I can FINALLY marry into foreign royalty and rule over a small country.

3. We go to Jamaica in less than a week! I've never been to Jamaica. I hope I learn how to dreadlock my hair and put beads in it. I also hope I learn how to say "Mon" casually in conversations. But we're going to an all-inclusive, and I feel that it's going to be incredibly wonderful and relaxing.

4. My best friend Franny just informed me yesterday that she booked us a day at the Hershey Spa all day Sunday. I've wanted to go there forever, and now I get to spend the day with her (which we never do), take a chocolate bath (I may not like to EAT chocolate, but I sure do like the idea of bathing in it), use their gym (which sort of makes me feel like I'm cheating on LA Fitness, but LA was a giant douche to me the other day...we're kind of in a fight), have a facial, and get a manicure. It will prepare me nicely for Jamaica.

5. My parents got me a Macbook for my birthday/graduation. I'm not really sure HOW yet, but it makes me feel infinitely more fancy. Also, I like to skype people.

Is that all? I feel like it might be. But cheers to you, August/Saramonth. Here's hoping September doesn't come around and kick me in the face.

xoxo

Wine

AB and I are not engaged: to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. This must be distinctly understood, or nothing wonderful can come of the story I am going to relate. (thanks, Chuck D...openings have never been my thing.)

Last weekend, AB and I spent the weekend in Ocean City, NJ with my family. I consider myself a relatively well-seasoned traveler. This year alone will have taken me to Mexico, New Orleans, Las Vegas (twice), Buffalo (okay, so that one's not super thriller material, but STILL), Ft. Lauderdale, and Jamaica. But nowhere makes me as happy as OCNJ, especially when my parents, brother, aunts, and cousins are there. Probably because my family rules.

One evening, while tailgating in a parking lot waiting to be seated for dinner, my mom, who never drinks more than one cocktail every now and then, decided she wanted to play keep-up with my more alcoholically savvy brother and cousin. She downed three glasses of wine, and moments later was belting "Don't Stop Believin" across the parking lot--the Glee version. My mom loves AB, so her dance moves eventually carried her over to him. I thought nothing of it, since I'm so glad that they get along, until I overheard her listing who she wanted to invite to our wedding. I tried to divert her, to no avail. Then she danced away.

Not five minutes later, I found her cornering him, pointing out a small infant and informing him that she "wants one of those." In her next breath, she thought it would be an excellent time to remind him that once we did have children, she planned to move in with us for a few weeks...to help out. And before I had the chance to intervene, she also found it important to mention that if, in childbirth, my life were to suddenly be jeopardized, she'd have to choose my life over the baby's, and were they on the same page about that?

Over the course of one evening, my mother had me engaged, married, pregnant, was moving in with us, and aborted my hypothetical baby.

Luckily, AB is the most easy-going person I know. With most other men, the preceding conversation would have resulted in a boyfriend-shaped hole in the door the next morning, and me coming home to a half-empty house. AB, on the other hand, took it as a compliment.

I should add that my mom ended the evening by leading a conga line through our beach house, and then passing out in bed by 10:00.

Meanwhile, now that AB and I have been dating for a year and a half, apparently every single person I encounter feels that an appropriate greeting is "Hey, how are you? When's AB going to propose?" Let me answer that en masse. I DON'T KNOW. We talk about it, but I don't like the idea of planning out a marriage before one is engaged. I am the girl. Proposing is not my job. My job duties include things like: looking pretty, making our house smell nice, making our friends, and party planning. My duties do not include things like: making the first move, taking out the garbage, or proposing. You can yell at me if you want for perpetuating outdated gender roles, but I'm not making these rules up. It's science.

xoxo

Gucci

I love big sunglasses. You know the ones I mean. The REALLY big ones...preferably with a bit of fade-out in the lens. In fact, I love them so much that I recently spent a minor fortune on a pair of Gucci sunglasses that I consider to be one of my most worthwhile investments. That's them, in the picture. Go on...salivate. But I know that big sunglasses come with a certain stigma. Eyes roll, snarky comments are made. That is why I have compiled a small list of my favorite things about big sunglasses.

1. They allow me to judge you anonymously. I can stare at your appalling choice in footwear, make faces at your parenting skills (or definitive lack thereof), show my annoyance at the fact that you absolutely refuse to shower, and you'll never know. For all you know, I'm looking straight ahead, minding my own business. But I'm not. I'm judging you.

2. It makes it evident, if it wasn't already so, that I am stylistically superior. I find that a well-placed pair of expensive sunglasses can make even the most mundane outfit stand out. Yes, my sunglasses make me better than you. In turn, I tip my hat to those wearing cooler sunglasses than mine. And really, why eliminate this social hierarchy? Everyone feels more secure this way.

3. I am able to look completely put together without putting on any makeup. Now, to be honest, I have not mastered the art of wearing my sunglasses indoors...I just feel silly. But while I'm outside, makeupless, I still feel sufficiently done up.

4. It's easy to avoid eye contact. Without being able to see my eyes, I can very easily pretend I didn't see someone walking across the street, and I can continue on my journey without having to pause for an awkward conversation with that same someone I have been avoiding.

5. The eyes are the windows to the soul. My soul sometimes likes its privacy, thanks!

Pickles

If you know me, then you might have caught onto the fact that I have a teeeeensy bit of a potty mouth. If you don't know me, and you're just internet stalking me, kudos to you. If you don't already have it, I'll be happy to give you my address so you can leave me gifts on my doorstep. Note to you: I need a new tote, and I'm always happy to receive anonymous gifts from Tiffany's.

I digress. Recently I've realized that maybe I swear TOO much. Let's be honest, it's just not ladylike. And more importantly, I think it's lost its power. For instance, when I say "fuck," no one really flinches. If, say, my grandmother were to say "fuck off," I'm pretty sure she'd get some attention. Why? Because she NEVER tells people to fuck off, whereas I tell people to fuck off almost every day. Lovingly, mind you...lovingly. But it's not fair that my fuck has no power, and my grandmother's fuck has a LOT of power. I want to reclaim the power of my fuck.

Also, there's nothing interesting about a word if one says it all the time. And if there's one thing I don't like, it's the idea of not being interesting. So in the name of being interesting, here's what I propose: I will not swear for one week. Not at all. No damn, hell, shit, fuck...none of it. If I do swear, the week re-starts, until I last a week. At the end of that week (which may very well be sometime in the year 2019), I will get myself a fun little present. Yay me.

Now here's what I need from you.

1. If you're lucky enough to enjoy the presence of my company, please keep on me about the swearing. If you hear me swear, you can smack me. Gently. A love tap, really.
2. Let's discuss some "gray area" words. Like balls. That's not a swear word, but it's definitely inappropriate. Or dick. Is that a swear word, in your book?
3. I need to have a ready repertoire of replacement words, because I constantly have the need to have some form of mild outburst, and I need a lexicon for such instances. I'd like to try bring back "bonkers," as in "That is bonkers!" instead of "That is bullshit!" Or perhaps "poppycock." Also, "pickles" seems to be an acceptable substitute for "fuck."
Person A: I'm going to go to Payless and buy that pair of shoes.
Sara: What the pickles is wrong with you?!?

You see what I'm saying.

Ok...go.