Awhile ago I posted a blog about a Renaissance Festival that I did at a nursing home in Harrisburg. To better understand this, you might want to click here and read it.
In any case, my grandfather passed away today. To be clear, he wasn't my biological grandfather. But he married my Nanny 40 years ago, so he's been there since long before I was born. We've known for a few days that this was going to happen, so it's sad...but not out of the blue. The worst part is my Nanny...my grandfather went into the hospital to have surgery six weeks ago...and so she went into an assisted living place until the surgery was over. It was just supposed to be a short visit. And now she'll never be able to go home again. He was the one who took care of her.
I can't understand what that must feel like. My parents have taken her to see him in the hospital over the past few weeks, and she just sat there holding his hand and crying, telling him how she cries herself to sleep every night. Honestly, I think that one of my personality traits that has always been my strongest asset and also my biggest curse is my feeling of empathy. I spend all my time wondering what other people must be thinking or feeling, and while I don't understand a lot of things in life (math, politics, how to work the Blackberry Storm) I really do understand people. It's why I just can't bring myself to say the mean things I sometimes think about people, because then I'd spend the next two weeks imagining how it must have hurt them.
And so now I'm just trying to imagine what it must be like...to be 80 years old, having spent your whole life creating this world for yourself, only to have it ripped out from underneath you in a matter of days. She must be terrified. And it reminds me that especially now that she'll be living somewhere completely new and foreign to her, that I need to visit her more than I do. I need to send her more cards. When I was in the hospital for two months in college, I got a card or package from her literally EVERY day that I was there.
If you still have your grandparents, go spend time with them. I know how freaked out I get about growing older...turning 30 and having the world ahead of me is scary. It doesn't even compare to turning 80 and having know idea what's ahead. But if you love people, tell them. If you miss people, visit them. When it really comes down to it, all we have is each other.
xoxo
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Fishes
The Boy and I went to the Baltimore National Aquarium yesterday. I was so excited. I mean seriously friends, it doesn't take much. I was bouncing in the passenger seat of his car on the way there. Literally. I love the aquarium! I love fish, water, all of it. I've been drawn to water ever since I was little, and I'm always happier when I'm near it. I feel like I should get a fish and a fun little tank for my apartment, but I've never had great luck with that. But really, I'm 28 now. One would hope I could keep a small fish or two alive. I digress. As always.
But I had so much fun! We saw many turtles, and dolphins, and sharks, and sting rays. I learned new fun facts that I can spout off at inappropriate times. Like that a 6 foot electric eel can give off up to 800 volts of electricity...enough to stun a man. I know I'd be stunned. I know Buttercup was almost stunned when she jumped out of Vizzini's ship...good thing Fezzik was there to scoop her up. After all, he only dog paddles. Again, I digress. I need to try to stop that!
I don't really have anything prolific to say about the aquarium adventure except that I was so happy we went! And that I want to get a fish. Probably two fish. I'd hate for anyone to be lonely. I'd also like to mention that I am about to explode with excitement about Christmas and New Year's this year. 2008 was kind of a raging bitch, and I'm happy to see her depart. 2009 is shaping up to kick some serious ass.
xoxo
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Winter
Dear Winter,
So, we meet again. I rather thought that after the stern talking-to I gave you last year about your arrival that you would be too much of a pussy to come back. But noooo...not you. You just prance into my life without a care in the world, with your bitter wind and cold temperatures and ugly snow. Some people might be fooled by the snow part, but I'm on to you. After a treacherous drive to MD this past weekend, amidst your frigid conditions and accident upon accident, I'm wise to your schemes. However, I'd like to thank my mother for her minute-by-minute weather updates (we should all stop mocking her for her Weather Channel addiction) and The Boy for rescuing me from a K-Mart parking lot and claiming that my paralyzing snow fear was "sweet" and not "completely retarded."
So, Winter, game on. Bring it. I dare you. I don't think you're at all aware that I don't plan to be in your clutches again next year if you dont back the f off this year. And you underestimate how adorable I look in hats. It looks as though you and I are going to be at odds yet again. I plan to write a strongly worded letter to your supervisor about this.
Just TRY to fight me when I'm in West Palm Beach. Just try! You should go back to your home on Whore Island.
Bitch.
Love always,
Sara
So, we meet again. I rather thought that after the stern talking-to I gave you last year about your arrival that you would be too much of a pussy to come back. But noooo...not you. You just prance into my life without a care in the world, with your bitter wind and cold temperatures and ugly snow. Some people might be fooled by the snow part, but I'm on to you. After a treacherous drive to MD this past weekend, amidst your frigid conditions and accident upon accident, I'm wise to your schemes. However, I'd like to thank my mother for her minute-by-minute weather updates (we should all stop mocking her for her Weather Channel addiction) and The Boy for rescuing me from a K-Mart parking lot and claiming that my paralyzing snow fear was "sweet" and not "completely retarded."
So, Winter, game on. Bring it. I dare you. I don't think you're at all aware that I don't plan to be in your clutches again next year if you dont back the f off this year. And you underestimate how adorable I look in hats. It looks as though you and I are going to be at odds yet again. I plan to write a strongly worded letter to your supervisor about this.
Just TRY to fight me when I'm in West Palm Beach. Just try! You should go back to your home on Whore Island.
Bitch.
Love always,
Sara
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Tudors
I'd like to thank Showtime DVDs for my latest history lesson. I started watching The Tudors about three weeks ago. I was astounded by all of the things that I didn't know about European history, as well as how similar I am to some major historical figures.
Things I didn't know:
1. Since the internet had not yet been invented, people filled their time by having sex. Lots of sex. All the time. With everyone. Everywhere.
2. Kings love to yell. They also love to tell people that they are the king. In case the crown didn't give it away.
3. King Henry VIII had some seriously hot friends. Why didn't I learn about Charles Brandon in my history class? I bet I would have paid attention instead of passing notes.
4. Women clearly don't wear undergarments of any kind. This made #1 significantly easier. Kings, on the other hand, apparently wore boxers.
5. What to do if you're being plowed from behind by Hottie McHotpants and your angry father walks in? Keep plowing, bitch.
6. Even back then, the gays were much more romantic and fabulous than the straights.
7. The Tudors loved foreshadowing. Example: Henry dancing with Anne, says "I love your neck." HA!
8. Anne Boleyn was really good at holding out. However, throw her on a horse, take her into the woods, throw her up against a tree, and her resolve is GONE. Can't say I blame her.
9. Religious people are very, very tricky. They speak many languages, they lie a lot, and they love wearing red. They too enjoy the sex.
10. If you don't like your husband, the best thing to do is to smother him. Then jump on a ship with a way hotter guy.
Things I didn't know:
1. Since the internet had not yet been invented, people filled their time by having sex. Lots of sex. All the time. With everyone. Everywhere.
2. Kings love to yell. They also love to tell people that they are the king. In case the crown didn't give it away.
3. King Henry VIII had some seriously hot friends. Why didn't I learn about Charles Brandon in my history class? I bet I would have paid attention instead of passing notes.
4. Women clearly don't wear undergarments of any kind. This made #1 significantly easier. Kings, on the other hand, apparently wore boxers.
5. What to do if you're being plowed from behind by Hottie McHotpants and your angry father walks in? Keep plowing, bitch.
6. Even back then, the gays were much more romantic and fabulous than the straights.
7. The Tudors loved foreshadowing. Example: Henry dancing with Anne, says "I love your neck." HA!
8. Anne Boleyn was really good at holding out. However, throw her on a horse, take her into the woods, throw her up against a tree, and her resolve is GONE. Can't say I blame her.
9. Religious people are very, very tricky. They speak many languages, they lie a lot, and they love wearing red. They too enjoy the sex.
10. If you don't like your husband, the best thing to do is to smother him. Then jump on a ship with a way hotter guy.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Rules
"Let's go over the ground rules. Rule number one--no touching of the hair or face. AND THAT'S IT!"
~ Ron Burgandy
So I spent a lovely part of the weekend visiting The Boy. We decided to go on a little cinematic adventure, and take in the movie Role Models. Since the fancy theatre in town had absolutely absurd showing times, we decided to go to a slightly more ghettofied movie theatre in a local mall. As we entered the mall, I noticed a list of rules. I was intrigued. A mall with rules? Genius! I insisted that we stop and review them.
1. No hood wearing
2. No hanging out
3. No one 16 and under allowed without a parent or guardian 21 or older
4. No skateboarding healies or bike riding on mall property
5. No bad language
6. Please keep your cell phones/iPods very low
7. Pants are to be worn around the waist
I don't think I need to explain to anyone who knows me how brutally amused I was by this list. I basically almost peed my pants laughing. I could write a whole separate blog analyzing and mocking these rules...and I might at a later time. No hanging out??? It's a mall! Who enforces these rules? Little nuns with rulers scurrying around and smacking the fingers of perpetrators who might be "hanging out?" And since when do iPods make noise that other people can hear? I digress. I did, however, insist on having my picture taken with the rules.
I also realized that if this little skanky mall can have a list of rules at their entrances, I should probably have my own list of seven important rules for my own house. I can post them on my door, that way people know what they're getting into before they come over. I might even hire a nun to be my bouncer. I've put some thought into this, and here's what I've come up with so far. These are subject to change at my discretion at any time. I also do not feel the need to explain or justify any of these rules.
1. No Payless shoe wearing.
2. No poor grammar or making up your own words. Making up words is only acceptable if the aforementioned words are witty and/or make the majority of the people in the house laugh.
3. Please bring presents. If you do not have a present, please be prepared with a hilarious joke.
4. Shirts, shoes, pants, underpants, and socks are all optional. Deodorant is not.
5. Singing and/or instrument playing is encouraged.
6. No yelling or whip cracking. This is especially important at parties where I might get evicted. Oh...a note on the whip cracking. Whip cracking INDOORS is perfectly acceptable under controlled circumstances.
7. No spending copious amounts of time on the phone and/or text messaging with someone who is not present. This is especially true if said person is a douchebag.
Yay.
xoxo
~ Ron Burgandy
So I spent a lovely part of the weekend visiting The Boy. We decided to go on a little cinematic adventure, and take in the movie Role Models. Since the fancy theatre in town had absolutely absurd showing times, we decided to go to a slightly more ghettofied movie theatre in a local mall. As we entered the mall, I noticed a list of rules. I was intrigued. A mall with rules? Genius! I insisted that we stop and review them.
1. No hood wearing
2. No hanging out
3. No one 16 and under allowed without a parent or guardian 21 or older
4. No skateboarding healies or bike riding on mall property
5. No bad language
6. Please keep your cell phones/iPods very low
7. Pants are to be worn around the waist
I don't think I need to explain to anyone who knows me how brutally amused I was by this list. I basically almost peed my pants laughing. I could write a whole separate blog analyzing and mocking these rules...and I might at a later time. No hanging out??? It's a mall! Who enforces these rules? Little nuns with rulers scurrying around and smacking the fingers of perpetrators who might be "hanging out?" And since when do iPods make noise that other people can hear? I digress. I did, however, insist on having my picture taken with the rules.
I also realized that if this little skanky mall can have a list of rules at their entrances, I should probably have my own list of seven important rules for my own house. I can post them on my door, that way people know what they're getting into before they come over. I might even hire a nun to be my bouncer. I've put some thought into this, and here's what I've come up with so far. These are subject to change at my discretion at any time. I also do not feel the need to explain or justify any of these rules.
1. No Payless shoe wearing.
2. No poor grammar or making up your own words. Making up words is only acceptable if the aforementioned words are witty and/or make the majority of the people in the house laugh.
3. Please bring presents. If you do not have a present, please be prepared with a hilarious joke.
4. Shirts, shoes, pants, underpants, and socks are all optional. Deodorant is not.
5. Singing and/or instrument playing is encouraged.
6. No yelling or whip cracking. This is especially important at parties where I might get evicted. Oh...a note on the whip cracking. Whip cracking INDOORS is perfectly acceptable under controlled circumstances.
7. No spending copious amounts of time on the phone and/or text messaging with someone who is not present. This is especially true if said person is a douchebag.
Yay.
xoxo
Friday, November 14, 2008
Stardust
"A philosopher once asked, 'Are we human because we gaze at the stars, or do we gaze at them because we're human?' Pointless, really. 'Do the stars gaze back?' Now THAT'S a question..."
Stardust
How is it that I'm just NOW hearing about the movie Stardust? I took today off from work, and upon going shopping, going to the gym, and other general frivolity, I decided to watch this movie, which I hadn't really heard of before. I'm not going to lie...Michelle Pfeiffer, Claire Danes, Ian McKellan, Robert DeNiro, Ricky Gervais, funny ghosts who remind me a whole lot of the old guys in The Muppets, unicorns, green fire, magic, stars (and dust, apparently)...it's not really a brilliant script, but I am thoroughly entertained. Just needed to throw that out there. I'd also like to say that as much as I love the stars, I'm really glad that I'm not one. If I were to start glowing every time I got happy about something, there would be a serious problem. I bet it would be pretty though!
Stardust
How is it that I'm just NOW hearing about the movie Stardust? I took today off from work, and upon going shopping, going to the gym, and other general frivolity, I decided to watch this movie, which I hadn't really heard of before. I'm not going to lie...Michelle Pfeiffer, Claire Danes, Ian McKellan, Robert DeNiro, Ricky Gervais, funny ghosts who remind me a whole lot of the old guys in The Muppets, unicorns, green fire, magic, stars (and dust, apparently)...it's not really a brilliant script, but I am thoroughly entertained. Just needed to throw that out there. I'd also like to say that as much as I love the stars, I'm really glad that I'm not one. If I were to start glowing every time I got happy about something, there would be a serious problem. I bet it would be pretty though!
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Earnest
"I never change. Except in my affections."
Gwendolen, The Importance of Being Earnest
The wonderful Lauren Rees, Nick Hughes, and ME as Cecily, Chausuble, and Gwen. I love Victorian people in front of televisions.
This weekend, I learned that Oyster Mill Playhouse in Camp Hill is putting up The Importance of Being Earnest, possibly my favorite play ever written. A few years ago, I had the opportunity to play Gwendolen, and it was possibly one of the most amazing productions I'd ever been in. Fantastic cast, amazing director, just an all around wonderful experience. So, when I heard that Oyster Mill was doing it, I threw reason aside and ran up to audition on a whim.
Callbacks were last night, and I wasn't able to attend. I had to work, and honestly the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it might not be my wisest plan to do that show again. I was so lucky to have such a phenomenal time with it the first time around. And I relatively recently had the unfortunate experience of seeing a fairly wretched production of it (a few key elements aside) and all I could remember thinking was, "Dear God, thank you for giving me MY Earnest, and not this stage-dwelling disaster." Not that the entire production completely blew. I was just jaded. Additionally, this theatre is in Harrisburg, and with work, school, and life (you know...my friends, boys, parties, other shows I want to do, murder mysteries, and that great game with the spinny thing in the middle) I'm not 100% sure I could commit the time. In any case, I didn't make it to callbacks.
Around 10:00 p.m. last night, the director called me to offer me the role of Gwendolen...which is exactly what I'd wanted. How did I swing that without even going to callbacks? Was I THAT good? Or was everyone else THAT bad? So now I'm not sure what to do. I seriously don't think I have the time to commit to it...but I love the show. I also don't know anything about Oyster Mill. So I'm torn. I would appreciate advice and/or thoughts on this matter!
And just another quick jaunt down memory lane...here's me, Eric (our director) and Lauren backstage before opening night...I get so nostalgic and happy when I think about this show!
xoxo
Gwendolen, The Importance of Being Earnest
The wonderful Lauren Rees, Nick Hughes, and ME as Cecily, Chausuble, and Gwen. I love Victorian people in front of televisions.
This weekend, I learned that Oyster Mill Playhouse in Camp Hill is putting up The Importance of Being Earnest, possibly my favorite play ever written. A few years ago, I had the opportunity to play Gwendolen, and it was possibly one of the most amazing productions I'd ever been in. Fantastic cast, amazing director, just an all around wonderful experience. So, when I heard that Oyster Mill was doing it, I threw reason aside and ran up to audition on a whim.
Callbacks were last night, and I wasn't able to attend. I had to work, and honestly the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it might not be my wisest plan to do that show again. I was so lucky to have such a phenomenal time with it the first time around. And I relatively recently had the unfortunate experience of seeing a fairly wretched production of it (a few key elements aside) and all I could remember thinking was, "Dear God, thank you for giving me MY Earnest, and not this stage-dwelling disaster." Not that the entire production completely blew. I was just jaded. Additionally, this theatre is in Harrisburg, and with work, school, and life (you know...my friends, boys, parties, other shows I want to do, murder mysteries, and that great game with the spinny thing in the middle) I'm not 100% sure I could commit the time. In any case, I didn't make it to callbacks.
Around 10:00 p.m. last night, the director called me to offer me the role of Gwendolen...which is exactly what I'd wanted. How did I swing that without even going to callbacks? Was I THAT good? Or was everyone else THAT bad? So now I'm not sure what to do. I seriously don't think I have the time to commit to it...but I love the show. I also don't know anything about Oyster Mill. So I'm torn. I would appreciate advice and/or thoughts on this matter!
And just another quick jaunt down memory lane...here's me, Eric (our director) and Lauren backstage before opening night...I get so nostalgic and happy when I think about this show!
xoxo
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Vote
Do it, bitches. If you don't want to listen to me, listen to Sarah Silverman. She's much funnier than I am, and also more famous. Although to be honest, I am kind of a local celebrity. I'm very important...in York, Pennsylvania. Awesome.
The Great Schlep from The Great Schlep on Vimeo.
The Great Schlep from The Great Schlep on Vimeo.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Mania
Holy shit. I am so excited. I mean, SO EXCITED. I'm like Jesse Spano from Saved By the Bell on caffeine pills before the big performance. Don't you even pretend you don't know what I'm talking about.
I haven't been this excited in a really long time. I blame a few things. One of them is a giant buttface who sucks the fun out of life. The other is the lack of alcohol in my life for the past few months. And even though I still can't drink, I'm SO EXCITED!
So it's Halloween. And so much fun is going to be had this weekend. Tonight the boy is coming (yay!) and we're going to a party at Kate's. This party will then depart to 2nd Street in Harrisburg for what is bound to be a rousing good time. There will likely be lots of crazy people running all around, and that is fantastic.
Tomorrow I'm doing a show, which is good because I'll get money. I like money. When I have it, that is. When I don't, we're bitter enemies. Then, just about everyone I know and love is coming out to Bube's Brewery for an evening of mayhem and debauchery. I LOVE THOSE THINGS! Especially when they are partners.
Now, in more serious news, I will be turning off my phone starting at 7:00 p.m. this evening. I will not be turning it back on until 7:00 p.m. on Sunday. Please read my prior entry for more details about this event. That is a much more grave thing...but it will be interesting fodder for the essay that I'm going to be Pulitzer Prize winning. So please leave me messages on my phone letting me know that you love me even though I will not be able to respond immediately.
Yay.
I haven't been this excited in a really long time. I blame a few things. One of them is a giant buttface who sucks the fun out of life. The other is the lack of alcohol in my life for the past few months. And even though I still can't drink, I'm SO EXCITED!
So it's Halloween. And so much fun is going to be had this weekend. Tonight the boy is coming (yay!) and we're going to a party at Kate's. This party will then depart to 2nd Street in Harrisburg for what is bound to be a rousing good time. There will likely be lots of crazy people running all around, and that is fantastic.
Tomorrow I'm doing a show, which is good because I'll get money. I like money. When I have it, that is. When I don't, we're bitter enemies. Then, just about everyone I know and love is coming out to Bube's Brewery for an evening of mayhem and debauchery. I LOVE THOSE THINGS! Especially when they are partners.
Now, in more serious news, I will be turning off my phone starting at 7:00 p.m. this evening. I will not be turning it back on until 7:00 p.m. on Sunday. Please read my prior entry for more details about this event. That is a much more grave thing...but it will be interesting fodder for the essay that I'm going to be Pulitzer Prize winning. So please leave me messages on my phone letting me know that you love me even though I will not be able to respond immediately.
Yay.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Affair
I am involved in a very serious, very passionate, incredibly torrid love affair. We spend literally every waking moment within arm's reach of each other, and every night we rest contentedly with our faces several inches apart. Oh yes...the passion that exists between myself and my cell phone is unmatchable. I will, however, admit to being almost as in love with my laptop. But my laptop doesn't fit so snugly in my pocket (or sitting in my bra on vibrate if I'm out somewhere loud...this would be where the physical intimacy gets exciting.) Some call it an obsession, but I prefer to think of it as a glorious romance. I get angry it, I've carelessly tossed it aside, it frustrates me...but every ounce of pain becomes worth it as soon as I hear those beautiful digital chimes letting me know that someone has text messaged me. Or that someone is calling me. Or perhaps I've even gotten a picture message. Oh yes...it's hot.
As most of you know, I'm currently in grad school pursuing my MFA in Creative Writing Nonfiction. I have a piece that will be due for my classmates in about a week, and I thought that an intriguing experiment to write about would be to turn off my cell phone and unplug my laptop for 48 hours. I'll pause and give you a moment to think about the implications this might have for me. Me...the girl who can text at the speed of light, who probably receives 10 e-mails, 20 phone calls, and possibly over 100 text messages every day. The girl who gets concerned voice mails left for her if she doesn't pick up her phone. Ok, now that you've hopefully digested the severity of this experiment, I'll give you another moment to laugh at me.
So, I've spent the past month trying to figure out what weekend would be the best weekend in which to unplug myself. The issue...I couldn't find a weekend! I couldn't stand the thought of not waking up to "good morning" text messages from the boy or falling asleep to "xoxo" lit up brightly on my screen. However, after a month of trying to plan a weekend, I finally settled on this past one. Sadly, it didn't pan out. It worked for a few hours, until I got to the Open House I had to run on campus Saturday and realized that 40 of my students were relying on being able to text me throughout the program with questions and to get directions. So I gave up before I started. I think Freud would have something to say about my subconscious here, but I'm going to ignore that.
What I think I'm going to have to do is run this experiment during the week. I'll have to leave my cell phone off and unplug my laptop...and during work hours only answer my work phone and check my work e-mail. There's got to be a way to disable gmail, right?
I'm still completely panicked. But alas, I'll move forward. It's for the sake of art, right? And to test my sanity...but hopefully I'll look back on this and laugh!
xoxo
As most of you know, I'm currently in grad school pursuing my MFA in Creative Writing Nonfiction. I have a piece that will be due for my classmates in about a week, and I thought that an intriguing experiment to write about would be to turn off my cell phone and unplug my laptop for 48 hours. I'll pause and give you a moment to think about the implications this might have for me. Me...the girl who can text at the speed of light, who probably receives 10 e-mails, 20 phone calls, and possibly over 100 text messages every day. The girl who gets concerned voice mails left for her if she doesn't pick up her phone. Ok, now that you've hopefully digested the severity of this experiment, I'll give you another moment to laugh at me.
So, I've spent the past month trying to figure out what weekend would be the best weekend in which to unplug myself. The issue...I couldn't find a weekend! I couldn't stand the thought of not waking up to "good morning" text messages from the boy or falling asleep to "xoxo" lit up brightly on my screen. However, after a month of trying to plan a weekend, I finally settled on this past one. Sadly, it didn't pan out. It worked for a few hours, until I got to the Open House I had to run on campus Saturday and realized that 40 of my students were relying on being able to text me throughout the program with questions and to get directions. So I gave up before I started. I think Freud would have something to say about my subconscious here, but I'm going to ignore that.
What I think I'm going to have to do is run this experiment during the week. I'll have to leave my cell phone off and unplug my laptop...and during work hours only answer my work phone and check my work e-mail. There's got to be a way to disable gmail, right?
I'm still completely panicked. But alas, I'll move forward. It's for the sake of art, right? And to test my sanity...but hopefully I'll look back on this and laugh!
xoxo
Monday, October 20, 2008
Halloween
"I can't help it. I can resist everything except temptation."
~Oscar Wilde
Why yes...I HAVE been missing lately! And yes, it is because I joined the circus. Trapeze artistry has always been a penchant of mine. But I'm back now...apparently you have to have some kind of "experience" or "talent" to join the circus. They're not nearly as welcoming as you'd expect.
But in semi-related news...can I just tell you how excited I am for Halloween this year? Here are some reasons that are birthing this excitement:
1. I have an awesome costume idea for once (albeit a rather whorish one...but it's not gratutitous. The whorish nature of this costume is just how it has to be.)
2. I have persuaded several people to dress up WITH me, thus making my costume make sense.
3. There is to be a night of spooks and spirits and festivities, and we all know I love a good party!
4. Did I mention that my costume is way hot?
5. The candy corn is in its Halloweenish abundance.
That might actually be all. But aside from my usual lunacy, I'm very excited about certain things that are happening in life right now. Halloween is just one of them.
Vague? Me? Rubbish.
xoxo
~Oscar Wilde
Why yes...I HAVE been missing lately! And yes, it is because I joined the circus. Trapeze artistry has always been a penchant of mine. But I'm back now...apparently you have to have some kind of "experience" or "talent" to join the circus. They're not nearly as welcoming as you'd expect.
But in semi-related news...can I just tell you how excited I am for Halloween this year? Here are some reasons that are birthing this excitement:
1. I have an awesome costume idea for once (albeit a rather whorish one...but it's not gratutitous. The whorish nature of this costume is just how it has to be.)
2. I have persuaded several people to dress up WITH me, thus making my costume make sense.
3. There is to be a night of spooks and spirits and festivities, and we all know I love a good party!
4. Did I mention that my costume is way hot?
5. The candy corn is in its Halloweenish abundance.
That might actually be all. But aside from my usual lunacy, I'm very excited about certain things that are happening in life right now. Halloween is just one of them.
Vague? Me? Rubbish.
xoxo
Friday, September 19, 2008
Desiderata
by Max Ehrmann
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for there will always be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreaams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for there will always be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreaams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Dreams
"Nonsense, now and then, is pleasant."
~Horace
It's definitely possible that dreams are just our mind's way of entertaining us while we sleep. Because honestly, maybe our subconscious gets bored at night. However, I really don't think that's true. I would instead prefer to believe that our dreams are our subconscious' way of cluing is into things that we're too stupid to be aware of while we're awake. I do not, however, believe that dreams predict the future. That's just absurd. You'd need a really talented psychic and at least $9.95/minute for those kinds of shenanigans. So, with that in mind, let me tell you about two dreams I've had recently. I'd like to detour for a minute to tell you that I crack myself up with the fact that I remember my dreams so well. They're also usually really vivid. I find that this makes me more interesting, which is something I always like to be.
DREAM ONE:
This dream was really short. I was sitting in my bedroom, and a little frog jumped out. And I was like, "Hey...why is there a frog in my bed?" So I caught him and held onto him for a little while, and then he hopped away. Then a cat came out and chased him, and I was like, "Hey...why is there a cat in my room?" And then I woke up. And I looked up "frogs" in a dream dictionary, and here is what a frog is supposed to symbolize:
To see frogs leaping in your dream, may indicate your lack of commitment. You have the tendency to jump from one thing to another. Alternatively, it may suggest that you are taking major steps toward some goal
I mean...come ON. Have you MET me lately?
DREAM TWO:
I was walking out of my house to go to work, and a teeny little kitten stopped me and wanted me to adopt it. But I didn't want to adopt it. I did like it though, and I found it to be very cute, so I didn't want it to leave...I just wanted it to keep coming around. So I went and got it a bowl of milk. You know, to entice it to stick around even though I was unwilling to adopt it. Then I tried leaving for work, and the kitten started bitching at me. That's all.
I did not need a dream dictionary to explain this one to me.
I feel that these dreams have more in common than just the appearance of a cat. I'm not even all that into cats. But I also think that while dreams aren't things you should live your life by, it may not be a bad idea to give them some thought. I mean, don't dwell. Don't lose sleep over them (ha!) But think of them as little landmarks on your trip through your days.
~Horace
It's definitely possible that dreams are just our mind's way of entertaining us while we sleep. Because honestly, maybe our subconscious gets bored at night. However, I really don't think that's true. I would instead prefer to believe that our dreams are our subconscious' way of cluing is into things that we're too stupid to be aware of while we're awake. I do not, however, believe that dreams predict the future. That's just absurd. You'd need a really talented psychic and at least $9.95/minute for those kinds of shenanigans. So, with that in mind, let me tell you about two dreams I've had recently. I'd like to detour for a minute to tell you that I crack myself up with the fact that I remember my dreams so well. They're also usually really vivid. I find that this makes me more interesting, which is something I always like to be.
DREAM ONE:
This dream was really short. I was sitting in my bedroom, and a little frog jumped out. And I was like, "Hey...why is there a frog in my bed?" So I caught him and held onto him for a little while, and then he hopped away. Then a cat came out and chased him, and I was like, "Hey...why is there a cat in my room?" And then I woke up. And I looked up "frogs" in a dream dictionary, and here is what a frog is supposed to symbolize:
To see frogs leaping in your dream, may indicate your lack of commitment. You have the tendency to jump from one thing to another. Alternatively, it may suggest that you are taking major steps toward some goal
I mean...come ON. Have you MET me lately?
DREAM TWO:
I was walking out of my house to go to work, and a teeny little kitten stopped me and wanted me to adopt it. But I didn't want to adopt it. I did like it though, and I found it to be very cute, so I didn't want it to leave...I just wanted it to keep coming around. So I went and got it a bowl of milk. You know, to entice it to stick around even though I was unwilling to adopt it. Then I tried leaving for work, and the kitten started bitching at me. That's all.
I did not need a dream dictionary to explain this one to me.
I feel that these dreams have more in common than just the appearance of a cat. I'm not even all that into cats. But I also think that while dreams aren't things you should live your life by, it may not be a bad idea to give them some thought. I mean, don't dwell. Don't lose sleep over them (ha!) But think of them as little landmarks on your trip through your days.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Hair
"Now, isn't this better than sitting at a table? A girl hasn't got but two sides to her at the table."
~Scarlett O'Hara
Things that are likely to happen to you if you get your hair semi-drastically cut:
1. You will be able to run faster. Seriously, I was running 5.4 mph at the gym, and now I'm running 5.7. Not quite fast...but fastER!
2. Hot guitar players from the band you saw out at the bar will fall instantly in love with you.
3. Your creative brain cells will be inspired and electrified. Essay and manuscript ideas will start to throw a dance party in your head.
4. Approximately 7 people will crawl out of absolutely nowhere and ask you out. You should be prepared for this, lest it becomes overwhelming and weird.
5. You will have more energy. Perhaps my lethargy was secretly hidden in the ends of my hair, and now that they're gone, I can stay up later and be way more fun!
6. You may feel inspired to take on other new initiatives, such as hiking or boating. You will also be compelled to travel more.
So, in short, if you are thinking of cutting your hair, I would be an advocate for that. I've been scared to cut mine for a long time, because I'm a pussy when it comes to my hair, but I kind of love it.
(If you missed the secret message encoded in this blog, I'm going to spell it out for you. Don't be afraid of change. Live your life. And then love the life you live. If nothing ever changed, there wouldn't be any butterflies. Also, the world would be a boring f-ing place to live.)
xoxo
~Scarlett O'Hara
Things that are likely to happen to you if you get your hair semi-drastically cut:
1. You will be able to run faster. Seriously, I was running 5.4 mph at the gym, and now I'm running 5.7. Not quite fast...but fastER!
2. Hot guitar players from the band you saw out at the bar will fall instantly in love with you.
3. Your creative brain cells will be inspired and electrified. Essay and manuscript ideas will start to throw a dance party in your head.
4. Approximately 7 people will crawl out of absolutely nowhere and ask you out. You should be prepared for this, lest it becomes overwhelming and weird.
5. You will have more energy. Perhaps my lethargy was secretly hidden in the ends of my hair, and now that they're gone, I can stay up later and be way more fun!
6. You may feel inspired to take on other new initiatives, such as hiking or boating. You will also be compelled to travel more.
So, in short, if you are thinking of cutting your hair, I would be an advocate for that. I've been scared to cut mine for a long time, because I'm a pussy when it comes to my hair, but I kind of love it.
(If you missed the secret message encoded in this blog, I'm going to spell it out for you. Don't be afraid of change. Live your life. And then love the life you live. If nothing ever changed, there wouldn't be any butterflies. Also, the world would be a boring f-ing place to live.)
xoxo
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Dance
No one dances anymore.
Yesterday I spent my afternoon doing a Renaissance Faire at a beautiful nursing home in Harrisburg. It was open to the public as a fund raiser, but at some point througout the day, the residents were brought out onto the sprawling grounds to participate. As we were about to start teaching the Renaissance dances, I asked the gentleman with whom I had been speaking if he wanted to join us.
"No, no. My dancing days are over. My wife passed away two years ago, and we used to dance all the time. We were married for 62 years, so I think I've had my fair share of dances."
He talked to me for awhile about his wife, and how they'd moved into the nursing home when she fell ill, selling their house and belongings to afford it.
It reminded me of an instance a few weeks ago when I went out with some friends to listen to a blues singer. During her set, a couple in their mid-eighties stood up and began to dance. They moved so rhythmically, and were so synchronized, and it was one of the most beautiful things I'd seen in a long time. My friend leaned over and whispered, "How long do you think they've been dancing like that?"
I had tears in my eyes. "Forever," I replied.
I used to be so scared of falling in love and being in a relationship, because I thought it meant that I'd have to sacrifice part of myself, and give up my freedom. And then later I thought it was about waiting for a feeling where your heart would pound in anticipation of seeing that other person again. You know...being swept away. But I honestly think it's a whole lot more simple than that.
It's about being 80 years old, and having someone to dance with.
Yesterday I spent my afternoon doing a Renaissance Faire at a beautiful nursing home in Harrisburg. It was open to the public as a fund raiser, but at some point througout the day, the residents were brought out onto the sprawling grounds to participate. As we were about to start teaching the Renaissance dances, I asked the gentleman with whom I had been speaking if he wanted to join us.
"No, no. My dancing days are over. My wife passed away two years ago, and we used to dance all the time. We were married for 62 years, so I think I've had my fair share of dances."
He talked to me for awhile about his wife, and how they'd moved into the nursing home when she fell ill, selling their house and belongings to afford it.
It reminded me of an instance a few weeks ago when I went out with some friends to listen to a blues singer. During her set, a couple in their mid-eighties stood up and began to dance. They moved so rhythmically, and were so synchronized, and it was one of the most beautiful things I'd seen in a long time. My friend leaned over and whispered, "How long do you think they've been dancing like that?"
I had tears in my eyes. "Forever," I replied.
I used to be so scared of falling in love and being in a relationship, because I thought it meant that I'd have to sacrifice part of myself, and give up my freedom. And then later I thought it was about waiting for a feeling where your heart would pound in anticipation of seeing that other person again. You know...being swept away. But I honestly think it's a whole lot more simple than that.
It's about being 80 years old, and having someone to dance with.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Voice
I think I've lost my voice.
Correction...I'm not completely sure that I ever really had it to begin with.
I don't really know how often I ever say exactly what I'm thinking. I don't know if I'm ever completely honest with anyone. And I don't know if I know how to fix that.
Somehow, without realizing it, I've been trained to make other people happy, to appease other people, and to stifle thoughts and words that might be upsetting to hear. It's to the point that I don't even realize I'm doing it until someone else points it out to me. If I'm telling a story about a conversation I've had, I'll express how I felt to the person, and they'll frequently say, "But did you SAY that out loud, or did you just think it?" And the truth is, I didn't even know I was thinking it at the time. I was just so focused on saying the right thing.
Too many times I find myself dissatisfied with conversations or encounters I've had because I don't feel like I've accomplished anything. The other major complication is that I am something of a social chameleon...which is probably why people are so quickly drawn to me. It's not that I change my morals or beliefs, but I'm exceptionally skilled at knowing what other people want from me. And I do a good job giving it to them. Meanwhile, I fear I might be doing myself a serious injustice. It also leads to me being frustrated with my friends and family for something that isn't their fault. How can they know they're upsetting me when all I do is manipulate my words to make them feel justified?
I'm not sure how to fix this...but I do believe it's probably lurking at the root of the other problems that have been resurfacing for me lately. After a ten-year hibernation, apparently they've decided to wake back up and kick me in the shin. So I'm going to be trying to figure that out. Please don't be offended if I seem more abrasive or less pleasant. I'm just trying to hear my voice.
"My scream got lost in a paper cup.
Do you think there's a heaven where some screams have gone?
I've got twenty-five bucks and cracker, do you think it's enough
To get us there?
Cause what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his with her name still on it?
Hey, but I don't care 'cause sometimes, I said sometimes
I hear my voice, and it's been here.
Silent all these years."
~Tori Amos
Correction...I'm not completely sure that I ever really had it to begin with.
I don't really know how often I ever say exactly what I'm thinking. I don't know if I'm ever completely honest with anyone. And I don't know if I know how to fix that.
Somehow, without realizing it, I've been trained to make other people happy, to appease other people, and to stifle thoughts and words that might be upsetting to hear. It's to the point that I don't even realize I'm doing it until someone else points it out to me. If I'm telling a story about a conversation I've had, I'll express how I felt to the person, and they'll frequently say, "But did you SAY that out loud, or did you just think it?" And the truth is, I didn't even know I was thinking it at the time. I was just so focused on saying the right thing.
Too many times I find myself dissatisfied with conversations or encounters I've had because I don't feel like I've accomplished anything. The other major complication is that I am something of a social chameleon...which is probably why people are so quickly drawn to me. It's not that I change my morals or beliefs, but I'm exceptionally skilled at knowing what other people want from me. And I do a good job giving it to them. Meanwhile, I fear I might be doing myself a serious injustice. It also leads to me being frustrated with my friends and family for something that isn't their fault. How can they know they're upsetting me when all I do is manipulate my words to make them feel justified?
I'm not sure how to fix this...but I do believe it's probably lurking at the root of the other problems that have been resurfacing for me lately. After a ten-year hibernation, apparently they've decided to wake back up and kick me in the shin. So I'm going to be trying to figure that out. Please don't be offended if I seem more abrasive or less pleasant. I'm just trying to hear my voice.
"My scream got lost in a paper cup.
Do you think there's a heaven where some screams have gone?
I've got twenty-five bucks and cracker, do you think it's enough
To get us there?
Cause what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his with her name still on it?
Hey, but I don't care 'cause sometimes, I said sometimes
I hear my voice, and it's been here.
Silent all these years."
~Tori Amos
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Gecko
I would just like to say that I think my life would be much better off if I had a talking gecko. Actually, any gecko would do. Or a Chinese bearded dragon.
I think what I'm saying is that I want a lizard. A lizard would really spice things up.
That is all.
Come ON...how cute is he? I would probably name him Oskar.
xoxo
I think what I'm saying is that I want a lizard. A lizard would really spice things up.
That is all.
Come ON...how cute is he? I would probably name him Oskar.
xoxo
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Retraction
I need to publish a semi retraction. Our rehearsal last night went REALLY smoothly, and everything seemed to work out pretty well. I'm back to thinking that the show might turn out well. We have an audience tonight, so I guess we'll actually find out about that tonight!
If you're someone who reads these, I think it would be a good idea for you to plan on coming to see the show!
xoxo
If you're someone who reads these, I think it would be a good idea for you to plan on coming to see the show!
xoxo
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Angels
Oh no.
The show I'm working on currently, City of Angels, is about to open. We open Thursday, to be exact. We have a preview tomorrow night. Then we have an audience. Last night was the first dress rehearsal with the pit, and we have one more tonight. To any of you who are mathematically challenged, that adds up to a grand total of TWO dress rehearsals. Peculiar. I have two items to address. One is a list of issues that I'm having with this endeavor, and the second is an extraordinarily funny conversation I had with my director. I like to let you all know what you'll be in for. Consider that your trailer for my blog.
Issues:
1. The cast is genuinely very talented as a whole, and it's possible that this fact is going to carry us.
2. However...currently we have the entire cast doing every single set change, which leads to a giant clusterfuck on stage. Actors are not good at doing anything other than acting. Especially large groups of them. We have no stage crew.
3. I'm already super nervous about my song...and since last night was the first night with the pit, I ended up like 2 beats ahead of them for much of it. Oh dear.
4. We had two outside observers watch the show last night, which was actually awesome because they were able to give us fresh insight on a lot of things.
5. Some of that insight has led me to believe that things are going to be changing...one night before we have an audience.
6. I'm working 10 hour days at work right now...so I'm up at 5:45, at work by 7:00, heading straight to Lancaster for the show, and getting home around midnight. I know I must have done this kind of thing before, I just don't remember it being so hard. I was hallucinating from pure exhaustion on my drive home last night.
The conversation with my director (at intermission):
He: You kill me, every single time.
Me: Why, because my song sucked?
He: No, because you're SO FUNNY. You're always thinking...I love people who are witty and can come up with things on the fly, and you always do that.
Me: Oh! It's because I do a lot of improv theatre.
He: You're fucking brilliant. But I'd never want to date you.
Me: What?? Why??
He: Because you'd scare me shitless. You're too smart.
Ha! He also went on to tell me that my song DIDN'T suck, it sounded great, but I needed to calm down and not rush it. I believe him, because he's been very blunt with everyone so far about what they need to fix.
All of that said, I'm actually very excited about the show. I'm freaking out about it possibly not coming together, but I think it will. Like I said, it's a very talented group of people, and I like that.
I am just SO tired.
The show I'm working on currently, City of Angels, is about to open. We open Thursday, to be exact. We have a preview tomorrow night. Then we have an audience. Last night was the first dress rehearsal with the pit, and we have one more tonight. To any of you who are mathematically challenged, that adds up to a grand total of TWO dress rehearsals. Peculiar. I have two items to address. One is a list of issues that I'm having with this endeavor, and the second is an extraordinarily funny conversation I had with my director. I like to let you all know what you'll be in for. Consider that your trailer for my blog.
Issues:
1. The cast is genuinely very talented as a whole, and it's possible that this fact is going to carry us.
2. However...currently we have the entire cast doing every single set change, which leads to a giant clusterfuck on stage. Actors are not good at doing anything other than acting. Especially large groups of them. We have no stage crew.
3. I'm already super nervous about my song...and since last night was the first night with the pit, I ended up like 2 beats ahead of them for much of it. Oh dear.
4. We had two outside observers watch the show last night, which was actually awesome because they were able to give us fresh insight on a lot of things.
5. Some of that insight has led me to believe that things are going to be changing...one night before we have an audience.
6. I'm working 10 hour days at work right now...so I'm up at 5:45, at work by 7:00, heading straight to Lancaster for the show, and getting home around midnight. I know I must have done this kind of thing before, I just don't remember it being so hard. I was hallucinating from pure exhaustion on my drive home last night.
The conversation with my director (at intermission):
He: You kill me, every single time.
Me: Why, because my song sucked?
He: No, because you're SO FUNNY. You're always thinking...I love people who are witty and can come up with things on the fly, and you always do that.
Me: Oh! It's because I do a lot of improv theatre.
He: You're fucking brilliant. But I'd never want to date you.
Me: What?? Why??
He: Because you'd scare me shitless. You're too smart.
Ha! He also went on to tell me that my song DIDN'T suck, it sounded great, but I needed to calm down and not rush it. I believe him, because he's been very blunt with everyone so far about what they need to fix.
All of that said, I'm actually very excited about the show. I'm freaking out about it possibly not coming together, but I think it will. Like I said, it's a very talented group of people, and I like that.
I am just SO tired.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Classic
"I've found that there is always some beauty left--in nature, sunshine, freedom...in yourself. Look at these things, and then you find yourself again. Then you regain your balance."
Anne Frank
I was wandering through my campus library the other day, and decided to check out the "Give a Book/Take a Book" cart. Usually this cart is full of jewels like "Math for the Ages," or even better, "Paradise Love." Harlequin romance novels seem to congregate on this cart.
However, the other day I found "Anne Frank: Diary of a Young Girl." I read that in 8th grade, and remember being very moved. But I decided that it would probably be a good idea to grab it and read it again. So I did.
Whenever I read any book, I become completely immersed in it. I think about it when I'm not reading it. I invariably put myself in the narrator's place. It's almost like a mini obsession with which I grapple for as long as I'm reading. When you're reading the story of a small, spirited Jewish girl who is locked away and eventually ripped away from her family and killed in a concentration camp (sorry if I ruined the ending for you...but by the way...the Titanic sinks, Jesus ends up getting crucified, and Romeo and Juliet both committ suicide. Sorry again!) this makes for very thought-provoking days.
I'm not going to do a book report on Anne Frank. I'm not going to try to minimalize what is possibly the most culturally significant book of the 20th century (and written by a child!) with lots of adjectives and descriptions. What I am going to do is make a list of other classic books that I've read at one point or another that I think I should probably read again. I got so much more out of this book the second time around. Who knows what else is out there to be gotten!
1. Wuthering Heights
2. Sense and Sensibility
3. Beowulf
4. The Canterbury Tales
5. Dante's Inferno
6. Heart of Darkness
7. Great Expectations
8. To Kill a Mockingbird
9. Uncle Tom's Cabin
Any other thoughts??
xoxo
Anne Frank
I was wandering through my campus library the other day, and decided to check out the "Give a Book/Take a Book" cart. Usually this cart is full of jewels like "Math for the Ages," or even better, "Paradise Love." Harlequin romance novels seem to congregate on this cart.
However, the other day I found "Anne Frank: Diary of a Young Girl." I read that in 8th grade, and remember being very moved. But I decided that it would probably be a good idea to grab it and read it again. So I did.
Whenever I read any book, I become completely immersed in it. I think about it when I'm not reading it. I invariably put myself in the narrator's place. It's almost like a mini obsession with which I grapple for as long as I'm reading. When you're reading the story of a small, spirited Jewish girl who is locked away and eventually ripped away from her family and killed in a concentration camp (sorry if I ruined the ending for you...but by the way...the Titanic sinks, Jesus ends up getting crucified, and Romeo and Juliet both committ suicide. Sorry again!) this makes for very thought-provoking days.
I'm not going to do a book report on Anne Frank. I'm not going to try to minimalize what is possibly the most culturally significant book of the 20th century (and written by a child!) with lots of adjectives and descriptions. What I am going to do is make a list of other classic books that I've read at one point or another that I think I should probably read again. I got so much more out of this book the second time around. Who knows what else is out there to be gotten!
1. Wuthering Heights
2. Sense and Sensibility
3. Beowulf
4. The Canterbury Tales
5. Dante's Inferno
6. Heart of Darkness
7. Great Expectations
8. To Kill a Mockingbird
9. Uncle Tom's Cabin
Any other thoughts??
xoxo
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Purpose
"We do not need magic to change the world, we carry all the power we need inside ourselves already; we have the power to imagine better."
JK Rowling
My co-worker came into work today with a present for me. Any day that starts out with me getting presents is bound to be a good day, regardless of my lackadaisical wake-up process this morning. It's called Awakening to Your Life's Purpose by Eckhart Tolle. It's about transcending our ego-based state of consciousness to find personal happiness. I'm not really into self-help books, which is surprising when you consider my constant struggle to better myself. I don't think that's what it is, though...and it actually seems interesting. It's called a "spiritual manifesto." I like manifestos. I also like things that are spiritual (as long as they're not stiflingly religious.)
Also, one of my students just came in and was talking about when she lived in England. She apparently lived in a farmhouse on the vicarage, and had peacocks in her yard. She also happens to be very tall and willowy, and extremely pretty. I think if Jane Austen were around, she'd want to write a book about her. To be clear, I am not a huge Jane Austen fan. I am a moderate fan. Some of her books are SO boring and stupid. Others are rather entertaining.
That's all.
xoxo
JK Rowling
My co-worker came into work today with a present for me. Any day that starts out with me getting presents is bound to be a good day, regardless of my lackadaisical wake-up process this morning. It's called Awakening to Your Life's Purpose by Eckhart Tolle. It's about transcending our ego-based state of consciousness to find personal happiness. I'm not really into self-help books, which is surprising when you consider my constant struggle to better myself. I don't think that's what it is, though...and it actually seems interesting. It's called a "spiritual manifesto." I like manifestos. I also like things that are spiritual (as long as they're not stiflingly religious.)
Also, one of my students just came in and was talking about when she lived in England. She apparently lived in a farmhouse on the vicarage, and had peacocks in her yard. She also happens to be very tall and willowy, and extremely pretty. I think if Jane Austen were around, she'd want to write a book about her. To be clear, I am not a huge Jane Austen fan. I am a moderate fan. Some of her books are SO boring and stupid. Others are rather entertaining.
That's all.
xoxo
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Monday, June 2, 2008
Story
I believe we write our own stories. And each time we think we know the end--we don't. Perhaps luck exists somewhere between the world of planning, the world of chance, and the peace that comes from knowing that you just can't know it all. You know, life's funny that way. Once you let go of the wheel, you might end up right where you belong.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Vintage
I haven't had a lot to say here lately because I've been pouring my creative energy into the next great American novel. Just wait. I'm already planning what to wear on my book tour. Anyway, I was reading through an old journal...in college, I used to take this book with me everywhere. Anytime someone would say something interesting, or I'd hear a quirky song lyric, or I'd be inspired to write, I'd jot things down in here. I came across an old poem that I wrote.
My disclaimer is that this poem is NOT brilliant art. It's something I wrote when my brain cells were in serious hibernation, and I had passed through the state of Despair and right on into I Don't Care Land. It's nowhere close to being the most clever or beautiful thing I've ever written. Speaking as a critic, it's not great. But the sentiment was a good reminder for me about a road that I travelled once and that I'm not terribly inclined to travel again. It reminded me how empty I once felt...and that was bad. And while it's not good to dwell on the past, I do believe it's good to remember it so that we are not doomed to repeat it.
Awake but dreaming I lie
Lost in visions that no one sees.
Untouchable leads to unhurtable.
Awake but dreaming I cry
But dry tears can save my pride.
Kisses from ghosts don't burn.
Awake but dreaming I fly
Into arms that were never open,
And fall through a smoky embrace.
Awake but dreaming I'm tied
To the monster that I've created.
Terror feeds on a single thought
That awake but dreaming I'll die.
My disclaimer is that this poem is NOT brilliant art. It's something I wrote when my brain cells were in serious hibernation, and I had passed through the state of Despair and right on into I Don't Care Land. It's nowhere close to being the most clever or beautiful thing I've ever written. Speaking as a critic, it's not great. But the sentiment was a good reminder for me about a road that I travelled once and that I'm not terribly inclined to travel again. It reminded me how empty I once felt...and that was bad. And while it's not good to dwell on the past, I do believe it's good to remember it so that we are not doomed to repeat it.
Awake but dreaming I lie
Lost in visions that no one sees.
Untouchable leads to unhurtable.
Awake but dreaming I cry
But dry tears can save my pride.
Kisses from ghosts don't burn.
Awake but dreaming I fly
Into arms that were never open,
And fall through a smoky embrace.
Awake but dreaming I'm tied
To the monster that I've created.
Terror feeds on a single thought
That awake but dreaming I'll die.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Karma
"A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle."
~Anonymous
What do we all think about karma? Do you think it works in a way that if I do three bad things, three bad things will happen to me? Or if I do something really great, something really great will happen to me? I think that's the most common idea of how it works, but I don't think that's necessarily right. I think (and hope) that karma is much more general than that...because honestly, if there was a way for the universe to document and react to each of our actions, nothing else would ever get done. It would take too much time. I think that if someone is generally a good person, then generally good opportunities tend to come their way. Really, good opportunities probably come everyone's way...it's just a matter of who notices them.
Here is my current pickle: I agreed to work tonight, teaching classes, to substitute for someone else. I used to do this on a regular basis, but I was getting so exhausted and so busy that I wasn't reliable and I wasn't enjoying it. So I took some time off...but today I was sitting at work just dreading going to teach. I've been working a lot lately at my regular job (probably averaging about 50 hours/week) this month, and I'm just TIRED. I haven't had a free evening in weeks. And I actually have a lot to get done tonight. And so, perfectly honestly, all I want to do after work is go home, bake cookies, make macaroni and cheese, and pack for Florida.
So I emailed the director there this story which is really a big exaggeration on a smaller story. And I am suddenly overwrought with guilt. Even though I know that it would be better for me to just go home tonight, I can't help feeling incredibly selfish and mean and like the universe is going to punish me for it. I'm feeling compelled to go out and do something really good or nice or something to make up for it.
I really hope the world doesn't work like that. But this is a good reminder for me that while I am busy and stressed with work lately...at least I have a stable job. I have money...I'm healthy...I'm happy. And so I probably could afford to do more things for other people. I don't think anyone is responsible for for saving the world or anything like that. But if you CAN do something for other people, you probably SHOULD. This month, my life is really too busy to be able to do that...but I hope I can remember that when things calm down with work, and when I have more time, that I should take some of that time and give it to someone who needs it a little more than I do.
~Anonymous
What do we all think about karma? Do you think it works in a way that if I do three bad things, three bad things will happen to me? Or if I do something really great, something really great will happen to me? I think that's the most common idea of how it works, but I don't think that's necessarily right. I think (and hope) that karma is much more general than that...because honestly, if there was a way for the universe to document and react to each of our actions, nothing else would ever get done. It would take too much time. I think that if someone is generally a good person, then generally good opportunities tend to come their way. Really, good opportunities probably come everyone's way...it's just a matter of who notices them.
Here is my current pickle: I agreed to work tonight, teaching classes, to substitute for someone else. I used to do this on a regular basis, but I was getting so exhausted and so busy that I wasn't reliable and I wasn't enjoying it. So I took some time off...but today I was sitting at work just dreading going to teach. I've been working a lot lately at my regular job (probably averaging about 50 hours/week) this month, and I'm just TIRED. I haven't had a free evening in weeks. And I actually have a lot to get done tonight. And so, perfectly honestly, all I want to do after work is go home, bake cookies, make macaroni and cheese, and pack for Florida.
So I emailed the director there this story which is really a big exaggeration on a smaller story. And I am suddenly overwrought with guilt. Even though I know that it would be better for me to just go home tonight, I can't help feeling incredibly selfish and mean and like the universe is going to punish me for it. I'm feeling compelled to go out and do something really good or nice or something to make up for it.
I really hope the world doesn't work like that. But this is a good reminder for me that while I am busy and stressed with work lately...at least I have a stable job. I have money...I'm healthy...I'm happy. And so I probably could afford to do more things for other people. I don't think anyone is responsible for for saving the world or anything like that. But if you CAN do something for other people, you probably SHOULD. This month, my life is really too busy to be able to do that...but I hope I can remember that when things calm down with work, and when I have more time, that I should take some of that time and give it to someone who needs it a little more than I do.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Doom
I have the Doom Stomach! For anyone who doesn't know what this means, it's when you get that twisty little feeling in the pit of your stomach when you feel as though something terrible is about to happen. I get it now and then...sometimes something terrible DOES happen, and sometimes nothing happens (that I know of...it's quite possible that on the day of a prior Doom Stomach, poor Boudewijn from Brussels--yes, Brussels Belgium and YES, Boudewijn is a Belgian name--had some major catastrophe happen. Perhaps his tall stack of waffles that he was using to signal his forbidden lover Vanya had fallen, and Vanya never saw it or Boudewijn ever again.)
Regardless, I hate the feeling of impending doom. It makes me start to mentally prepare for all kinds of hypothetical calamities, which is never EVER a good idea. It just stresses me out and worries me, and I don't like either of those things. There's a definite possibility that it might just be physical...I might be tired, or hungry, or something like that, but we'll see. Like I said, the Doom Stomach isn't foolproof by any means.
I wonder if Indiana Jones felt like this on his way to the Temple. Probably not, that guy is so badass.
xoxo
Regardless, I hate the feeling of impending doom. It makes me start to mentally prepare for all kinds of hypothetical calamities, which is never EVER a good idea. It just stresses me out and worries me, and I don't like either of those things. There's a definite possibility that it might just be physical...I might be tired, or hungry, or something like that, but we'll see. Like I said, the Doom Stomach isn't foolproof by any means.
I wonder if Indiana Jones felt like this on his way to the Temple. Probably not, that guy is so badass.
xoxo
Monday, March 17, 2008
Crying
I love this man. It's funny BECAUSE IT'S SO F-ING TRUE. I have more to say about this at a later time. But seriously, watch this video. For now I would like to say:
1. Fuck you, computer and your FAILED message.
2. Fuck you, shoe rack with your tiny little compartments and your heavy nature.
3. Thank you, man who invented Guitar Hero. I am SO on medium now.
4. No Country for Old Men. Don't try to watch that movie starting at the halfway point. You'll end up being like "Whaaaa...?"
5. Thanks a LOT, Chanel aqua crayon in Very Black. Your claim to be waterproof really speaks loudly when it's smeared all over my face in squiggly little patterns.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Sonrisa
"If you're teaching a yodeling class, I bet the hardest things to do is to keep the students from yodeling right off. You see, we build to that. " - Jack Handy
In case you were feeling blue, or just wondering in general, I'd like to make a list of things to be happy about. This is just a small list. There are a lot. Feel free to tell me more, and I'll add them to this list. It's very easy to look around and see what sucks, but I think it's a lot more fun to look around you and see what's awesome.
1. One day, many years ago, someone with incredible culinary and creative skill thought to him/herself, "I think I should take this peanut butter and mix it with...hmm. Potatoes? No. Hamburger? No. Wait...I've got it...JELLY! YES! I will mix this peanut butter with jelly and put it on two slices of bread!" And despite the mockery he/she probably faced from his/her contemporaries, he/she did it. And for that, my belly is thankful.
2. Pants. Pants are great. Especially when you find that pair of pants that fits you perfectly. You know the ones I'm talking about...they tickle your toes at just the right spot, they make your ass look like it could be an ass-model for Abercrombie and Fitch. And we all love a cute little skirt, or even a guy in a kilt but I for one am glad that someone decided to make a pair of pants. There are certain parts of me that have no desire to have such close contact with the winter.
3. Acrophobia. I do not refer to a fear of heights. In college, there was this online game with acronyms with which I was obsessed. It was challenging and fun and had they not taken the game down, I probably would have had to be committed to some kind of acronym rehab facility. Anyway, last night, I FOUND that game online! It has a new name...but still! I am so happy! It's full of clever and witty people, and I feel like once I up my game a little bit, I'll totally start winning it again. Although, as a precaution, if you start noticing my absence from important social outings or work or anything, please come and physically remove me from my laptop.
4. Swedish Fish. Gummy bears. Starburst jellybeans. Enough said.
5. Martial arts. I myself do not know any martial arts, but I'm very glad that there are people out there who do. However, if I were to get myself involved in any hand-to-hand scuffle, I'd like to think that my appreciation of the existence of martial arts would at least give me some kind of advantage. Besides, I'm scrappy.
6. Harry Potter. Let's face it. JK Rowling made half of the world care more about a fictional little boy than the politics of their own countries. I would bet that more people know the name of Harry Potter's two best friends (do YOU? You'd better or else I'm not sure why we're friends) than know the name of our current vice president. However, I'm very happy that Harry exists! I got to engage in many highly important discussions about good vs. evil and the moral character of Severus Snape, and it helped me get to know a lot of people better. It's kind of nice to have this one commonality that will excite almost everyone, but is also completely accessible to anyone.
7. Hugs. Don't laugh at me. Once upon a time, someone thought that the best way to show someone they cared would be to lock them into their arms. What a great idea! I would like to come up with something as smart as hugs someday. Who doesn't love to be hugged? They're good when you're happy, they're good when you're sad. They make you feel all cuddly and happy, and for as long as you're caught in the hug, things seem a little bit brighter. Go hug someone. Hugs not drugs.
8. Acid. I don't mean drugs. I mean the kind of acid that the Joker fell into to turn him into the Joker and start one of the epic battles of our time. The reason we should be HAPPY about it is because it reminds us that no matter how bad your day is going, it's nowhere near as bad as falling into a vat of acid and turning into an evil villain.
9. Your mom jokes. They're stupid. They usually don't make sense. They are often offensive and actually very inappropriate if you think about all the stuff that is implied about your poor mother! However, they make me laugh every single time. As long as they're well played, that is.
10. Learning stuff. Learning stuff is good, and if you think about it, you seriously probably do learn at least SOMETHING new every day. That's really quite an accomplishment! If you haven't learned anything new today, did you know that sonrisa means smile in Spanish? If you already knew that, you're out of luck. You'll have to find something new to learn on your own.
xoxo
In case you were feeling blue, or just wondering in general, I'd like to make a list of things to be happy about. This is just a small list. There are a lot. Feel free to tell me more, and I'll add them to this list. It's very easy to look around and see what sucks, but I think it's a lot more fun to look around you and see what's awesome.
1. One day, many years ago, someone with incredible culinary and creative skill thought to him/herself, "I think I should take this peanut butter and mix it with...hmm. Potatoes? No. Hamburger? No. Wait...I've got it...JELLY! YES! I will mix this peanut butter with jelly and put it on two slices of bread!" And despite the mockery he/she probably faced from his/her contemporaries, he/she did it. And for that, my belly is thankful.
2. Pants. Pants are great. Especially when you find that pair of pants that fits you perfectly. You know the ones I'm talking about...they tickle your toes at just the right spot, they make your ass look like it could be an ass-model for Abercrombie and Fitch. And we all love a cute little skirt, or even a guy in a kilt but I for one am glad that someone decided to make a pair of pants. There are certain parts of me that have no desire to have such close contact with the winter.
3. Acrophobia. I do not refer to a fear of heights. In college, there was this online game with acronyms with which I was obsessed. It was challenging and fun and had they not taken the game down, I probably would have had to be committed to some kind of acronym rehab facility. Anyway, last night, I FOUND that game online! It has a new name...but still! I am so happy! It's full of clever and witty people, and I feel like once I up my game a little bit, I'll totally start winning it again. Although, as a precaution, if you start noticing my absence from important social outings or work or anything, please come and physically remove me from my laptop.
4. Swedish Fish. Gummy bears. Starburst jellybeans. Enough said.
5. Martial arts. I myself do not know any martial arts, but I'm very glad that there are people out there who do. However, if I were to get myself involved in any hand-to-hand scuffle, I'd like to think that my appreciation of the existence of martial arts would at least give me some kind of advantage. Besides, I'm scrappy.
6. Harry Potter. Let's face it. JK Rowling made half of the world care more about a fictional little boy than the politics of their own countries. I would bet that more people know the name of Harry Potter's two best friends (do YOU? You'd better or else I'm not sure why we're friends) than know the name of our current vice president. However, I'm very happy that Harry exists! I got to engage in many highly important discussions about good vs. evil and the moral character of Severus Snape, and it helped me get to know a lot of people better. It's kind of nice to have this one commonality that will excite almost everyone, but is also completely accessible to anyone.
7. Hugs. Don't laugh at me. Once upon a time, someone thought that the best way to show someone they cared would be to lock them into their arms. What a great idea! I would like to come up with something as smart as hugs someday. Who doesn't love to be hugged? They're good when you're happy, they're good when you're sad. They make you feel all cuddly and happy, and for as long as you're caught in the hug, things seem a little bit brighter. Go hug someone. Hugs not drugs.
8. Acid. I don't mean drugs. I mean the kind of acid that the Joker fell into to turn him into the Joker and start one of the epic battles of our time. The reason we should be HAPPY about it is because it reminds us that no matter how bad your day is going, it's nowhere near as bad as falling into a vat of acid and turning into an evil villain.
9. Your mom jokes. They're stupid. They usually don't make sense. They are often offensive and actually very inappropriate if you think about all the stuff that is implied about your poor mother! However, they make me laugh every single time. As long as they're well played, that is.
10. Learning stuff. Learning stuff is good, and if you think about it, you seriously probably do learn at least SOMETHING new every day. That's really quite an accomplishment! If you haven't learned anything new today, did you know that sonrisa means smile in Spanish? If you already knew that, you're out of luck. You'll have to find something new to learn on your own.
xoxo
Monday, February 25, 2008
Haze
"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh." - Voltaire
So I'm having one of those days where I'm seriously wandering through life in a complete haze. Like a fog. I can't focus, I'm completely distracted...sometimes it just happens. It's also on these days that I decide to become a little philosopher and start making elaborate plans to turn myself into a better person. All of those nasty little insecurities and fears start demanding attention, I start missing all of my friends who are so far away...it's bizarre. The good thing about the haze days is that they're over pretty quickly, and it's not like I'm sad or depressed or anything. In fact, I'm relatively content (with the small exception of the student sitting in my office who is trying to engage me in a political debate by telling me about his love of guns and how violent video games are NOT desensitizing young people...I can't debate when I can't even focus), I'm just highly scattered.
So, how much of what you see in a person do you think is true? Honestly? I think lots of people are so good at hiding their vulnerabilities that sometimes they forget that they have them. I know I do. I've worked so hard to build up this pretty little wall that when it cracks a little bit, I'm always shocked. I know I'm a little bit of an environmental chameleon, and I think that's sometimes ok. I adapt to different situations really well...what I don't like is when people change their values, opinions, and actions based on the company they keep. That's not at all what I'm saying. But for the past 10 years or so, I've made a concerted effort to turn myself into the person I want to be, and I get worried sometimes that I'll forget to keep tabs on whether or not that person is completely real.
For instance...lately, for whatever reason, I'm getting hit on everywhere I go. I've gotten good at deflecting it, and then I laugh and tell the story to my friends...but honestly, I don't really like it. It kind of makes me uncomfortable. I'm not sure why. It just makes me nervous and weird-feeling. But instead of just SAYING that to them, I just laugh about it, which makes the situation worse because then they either think I'm flirting or laughing at them. Another example is my whole "forgotten" issue, which is not really important at this time.
In any case, I like the idea of bettering myself, but I think I sometimes need to relax about that. I also think that sometimes I'd like to thank the universe for helping me figure out when I'm doing this. I think I'm going back to my original plan of pursuing the MFA in Creative Writing Nonfiction...mostly because it somehow worked out that every counseling program I looked into was impossible. It was frustrating, but the more I think about it, the more I feel happy about the idea of teaching writing in college...because in a way, that might end up being a lot like counseling, and I'll be doing it with a population that I've already come to love.
That's all. And this is why I have a blog. Even though this entry had no point and was completely all over the place, I do feel a little bit more clear-headed.
xoxo
So I'm having one of those days where I'm seriously wandering through life in a complete haze. Like a fog. I can't focus, I'm completely distracted...sometimes it just happens. It's also on these days that I decide to become a little philosopher and start making elaborate plans to turn myself into a better person. All of those nasty little insecurities and fears start demanding attention, I start missing all of my friends who are so far away...it's bizarre. The good thing about the haze days is that they're over pretty quickly, and it's not like I'm sad or depressed or anything. In fact, I'm relatively content (with the small exception of the student sitting in my office who is trying to engage me in a political debate by telling me about his love of guns and how violent video games are NOT desensitizing young people...I can't debate when I can't even focus), I'm just highly scattered.
So, how much of what you see in a person do you think is true? Honestly? I think lots of people are so good at hiding their vulnerabilities that sometimes they forget that they have them. I know I do. I've worked so hard to build up this pretty little wall that when it cracks a little bit, I'm always shocked. I know I'm a little bit of an environmental chameleon, and I think that's sometimes ok. I adapt to different situations really well...what I don't like is when people change their values, opinions, and actions based on the company they keep. That's not at all what I'm saying. But for the past 10 years or so, I've made a concerted effort to turn myself into the person I want to be, and I get worried sometimes that I'll forget to keep tabs on whether or not that person is completely real.
For instance...lately, for whatever reason, I'm getting hit on everywhere I go. I've gotten good at deflecting it, and then I laugh and tell the story to my friends...but honestly, I don't really like it. It kind of makes me uncomfortable. I'm not sure why. It just makes me nervous and weird-feeling. But instead of just SAYING that to them, I just laugh about it, which makes the situation worse because then they either think I'm flirting or laughing at them. Another example is my whole "forgotten" issue, which is not really important at this time.
In any case, I like the idea of bettering myself, but I think I sometimes need to relax about that. I also think that sometimes I'd like to thank the universe for helping me figure out when I'm doing this. I think I'm going back to my original plan of pursuing the MFA in Creative Writing Nonfiction...mostly because it somehow worked out that every counseling program I looked into was impossible. It was frustrating, but the more I think about it, the more I feel happy about the idea of teaching writing in college...because in a way, that might end up being a lot like counseling, and I'll be doing it with a population that I've already come to love.
That's all. And this is why I have a blog. Even though this entry had no point and was completely all over the place, I do feel a little bit more clear-headed.
xoxo
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Exquise
The French call it la douleur exquise. The exquisite pain. We've all got something that we know isn't good for us, but somehow we love it anyway. Everyone's got their heroin, that one thing they can't let go of. For some people, it's as simple as chocolate. For other's it's actually heroin. For me, it goes back about eight or nine years now.
I was talking to Cara, one of my best friends, last night. She has been struggling for years with a variety of things, and has been in and out of hospitals ever since I met her. Actually, I met her in a hospital. For the full backstory on that, click here. In any case, one of the things she has been having issues with lately is all eating disorder stuff...and she was so upset, because she kept saying that she was sure all that was behind her. The thing is, I'm not sure it's ever going to be completely behind any of us. Eating disorders have the highest fatality rate of any mental disorder. Statistically, 90% of people suffering from eating disorders never recover. When I left the hospital, it was because I had been there for two months, it was two days from Christmas, and I finally absolutely flipped out on the team of doctors, telling them there was no way I was staying there another day. The head doctor said, "You'll be back. If you go home now, there's no way you'll make it. You'll be back, or you'll die." I'm really proud of myself for never going back, and for finding my way to a happy life. That's not to say that the issues don't creep up now and then.
Every now and then, I just think it would be best to not really eat very much. It's simple. Even though I rationally see the problems with this pattern, I just can't help it from happening. And I snap out of it eventually. But now, for instance, when I recently had surgery, I legitimately lost any appetite for about three weeks. That made it really easy to continue to not eat nearly as much as I probably should. But (here comes the twisted part), I still kind of love the hunger feeling. It's still kind of a rush to get a little dizzy. It's kind of like a mental orgasm when people notice I've lost weight. And despite what people commonly think, it's not at all because I think I'm fat, or because I'm trying to look like a supermodel. I don't really think I need to lose weight.
What I said to Cara is that maybe this is something that will just happen every now and then for awhile. Generally speaking, I'm mentally very healthy. If this is the only thing I have issues with now and then, maybe I should consider myself lucky. I have absolutely no desire to go back to that horrible life I had when I was so sick, nor do I ever want to look as miserably thin as I did then. And eventually, I'll just get tired of it and start eating like a normal person again. I don't get worried, because I'm fully aware of everything.
I sometimes worry about posting things because it might make me sound a little crazy. But an eating disorder, in many ways, is a lot like depression or ocd. People who suffer from depression are aware that sometimes they might feel depressed...and that's ok, as long as they know how to manage it. Or people suffering from ocd might often be compelled to give into one of their obsessions...and that's ok, as long as it doesn't interfere with their daily life. For me...sometimes it's actually a GOOD thing when this happens. It alerts me that there is probably something in my life that is flying out of control...because when that happens, my eating is the first thing that suffers. It's the one aspect of my life over which I have full control. But now I can start trying to fix whatever it is that is causing it...and in the end, I'll probably end up a much healthier, calmer, and content person.
xoxo
I was talking to Cara, one of my best friends, last night. She has been struggling for years with a variety of things, and has been in and out of hospitals ever since I met her. Actually, I met her in a hospital. For the full backstory on that, click here. In any case, one of the things she has been having issues with lately is all eating disorder stuff...and she was so upset, because she kept saying that she was sure all that was behind her. The thing is, I'm not sure it's ever going to be completely behind any of us. Eating disorders have the highest fatality rate of any mental disorder. Statistically, 90% of people suffering from eating disorders never recover. When I left the hospital, it was because I had been there for two months, it was two days from Christmas, and I finally absolutely flipped out on the team of doctors, telling them there was no way I was staying there another day. The head doctor said, "You'll be back. If you go home now, there's no way you'll make it. You'll be back, or you'll die." I'm really proud of myself for never going back, and for finding my way to a happy life. That's not to say that the issues don't creep up now and then.
Every now and then, I just think it would be best to not really eat very much. It's simple. Even though I rationally see the problems with this pattern, I just can't help it from happening. And I snap out of it eventually. But now, for instance, when I recently had surgery, I legitimately lost any appetite for about three weeks. That made it really easy to continue to not eat nearly as much as I probably should. But (here comes the twisted part), I still kind of love the hunger feeling. It's still kind of a rush to get a little dizzy. It's kind of like a mental orgasm when people notice I've lost weight. And despite what people commonly think, it's not at all because I think I'm fat, or because I'm trying to look like a supermodel. I don't really think I need to lose weight.
What I said to Cara is that maybe this is something that will just happen every now and then for awhile. Generally speaking, I'm mentally very healthy. If this is the only thing I have issues with now and then, maybe I should consider myself lucky. I have absolutely no desire to go back to that horrible life I had when I was so sick, nor do I ever want to look as miserably thin as I did then. And eventually, I'll just get tired of it and start eating like a normal person again. I don't get worried, because I'm fully aware of everything.
I sometimes worry about posting things because it might make me sound a little crazy. But an eating disorder, in many ways, is a lot like depression or ocd. People who suffer from depression are aware that sometimes they might feel depressed...and that's ok, as long as they know how to manage it. Or people suffering from ocd might often be compelled to give into one of their obsessions...and that's ok, as long as it doesn't interfere with their daily life. For me...sometimes it's actually a GOOD thing when this happens. It alerts me that there is probably something in my life that is flying out of control...because when that happens, my eating is the first thing that suffers. It's the one aspect of my life over which I have full control. But now I can start trying to fix whatever it is that is causing it...and in the end, I'll probably end up a much healthier, calmer, and content person.
xoxo
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Suspicious
"If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine." Jack Handey
Some things that I learned in elementary school, but just don't buy:
1. "That's going on your permanant record!"
What permanant record? I've never seen it. Am I to assume that my follies and mishaps are still being recorded somewhere? That's what permanant means. IF such a thing ever existed, who was in charge of updating all of these permanant records? And who used them? Maybe that's why I've never been selected to work as a Goodwill Ambassador for the United States. Too much note-passing in grade school. Frankly, I'm afraid I just don't believe it exists. It's a good threat, though.
2. "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."
My friend Cara says "If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit next to me." Todd says "If you only have nice things to say all the time, you're probably boring and I don't want to hang out with you." Both of those things make me laugh way more than the original idea.
3. Colors
Don't get me wrong. I believe in colors. But in science class, they told us that colors are colors because of the way they reflect off of the color spectrum. I disagee. Something is red because it is inherently RED. Not because of its reflection. If that was the case, red would be a different color depending on the lighting. Now, their "explanation" works well to justify why the sky is blue, or why the ocean is blue...but it really doesn't work for man-made objects. I tried to argue this in 5th grade, but no one would listen. I'm pretty sure the scientific community simply doesn't like to admit when it doesn't know something.
4. The ocean vs. space
Some teacher actually had the audacity to tell us that we have explored more of space than we have of our own ocean. Impossible. The last time I checked, space is infinite. The ocean is not. There is a definite known capacity to the ocean. Now, perhaps they were saying that we have explored more mileage in space than we have in the ocean, but that's because the ocean is WAY SMALLER than space! Percentage-wise, we have definitely gotten to more of the ocean than space. You can't explore any percentage of space EVER, because no one knows what 100% actually is. By virtue of the statement, we have definitely explored more of our ocean.
5. Gravity
Again, I totally believe in gravity. Obviously there is something pulling us downward. However, people on the other side of the earth are upside-down. I know that it's all about perpective, and to them they are right-side-up, because the ground is below them, and that's how things should be. But, compared to me, they are upside-down. Their heads are pointing in a different direction than mine. I tried to explain this one to a science teacher once too. I even drew a diagram of the earth. They refused to agree that, from our perspective, those people are upside-down. I even used the word "perspective."
That's all I have to say for right now. Clearly, I should never be a scientist.
xoxo
Update: Please know that I do not claim to know anything about science. I just like to reflect on things...and never take me seriously! Someone just tried to have an ACTUAL argument with me based on the "color" issue. When someone starts a blog with a quote from Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey, chances are they understand their own ridiculousness!
Some things that I learned in elementary school, but just don't buy:
1. "That's going on your permanant record!"
What permanant record? I've never seen it. Am I to assume that my follies and mishaps are still being recorded somewhere? That's what permanant means. IF such a thing ever existed, who was in charge of updating all of these permanant records? And who used them? Maybe that's why I've never been selected to work as a Goodwill Ambassador for the United States. Too much note-passing in grade school. Frankly, I'm afraid I just don't believe it exists. It's a good threat, though.
2. "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."
My friend Cara says "If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit next to me." Todd says "If you only have nice things to say all the time, you're probably boring and I don't want to hang out with you." Both of those things make me laugh way more than the original idea.
3. Colors
Don't get me wrong. I believe in colors. But in science class, they told us that colors are colors because of the way they reflect off of the color spectrum. I disagee. Something is red because it is inherently RED. Not because of its reflection. If that was the case, red would be a different color depending on the lighting. Now, their "explanation" works well to justify why the sky is blue, or why the ocean is blue...but it really doesn't work for man-made objects. I tried to argue this in 5th grade, but no one would listen. I'm pretty sure the scientific community simply doesn't like to admit when it doesn't know something.
4. The ocean vs. space
Some teacher actually had the audacity to tell us that we have explored more of space than we have of our own ocean. Impossible. The last time I checked, space is infinite. The ocean is not. There is a definite known capacity to the ocean. Now, perhaps they were saying that we have explored more mileage in space than we have in the ocean, but that's because the ocean is WAY SMALLER than space! Percentage-wise, we have definitely gotten to more of the ocean than space. You can't explore any percentage of space EVER, because no one knows what 100% actually is. By virtue of the statement, we have definitely explored more of our ocean.
5. Gravity
Again, I totally believe in gravity. Obviously there is something pulling us downward. However, people on the other side of the earth are upside-down. I know that it's all about perpective, and to them they are right-side-up, because the ground is below them, and that's how things should be. But, compared to me, they are upside-down. Their heads are pointing in a different direction than mine. I tried to explain this one to a science teacher once too. I even drew a diagram of the earth. They refused to agree that, from our perspective, those people are upside-down. I even used the word "perspective."
That's all I have to say for right now. Clearly, I should never be a scientist.
xoxo
Update: Please know that I do not claim to know anything about science. I just like to reflect on things...and never take me seriously! Someone just tried to have an ACTUAL argument with me based on the "color" issue. When someone starts a blog with a quote from Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey, chances are they understand their own ridiculousness!
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Worms
"We are all worms, but I do believe I am a glow worm." Winston Churchill
I don't hate my job. In fact, I rather enjoy it on most days. I get to hang out with college students all day, I travel a lot, and I am almost never terribly overcome with job-related stress. I love my students, and the fact that on any given day about a dozen of them will sporatically stop in my office for any variety of reasons: relationship advice, academic counseling, non-academic counseling, or just a hug. I'm a great hugger.
That said, I really really wish I didn't have to work. Because I wouldn't. I wouldn't abstain from work in a Paris Hilton-esque kind of way. I just feel that if my time wasn't spent sitting in an office all day, I could really do many more valuable things. I'm becoming more and more sure in life that what I'm supposed to be doing is helping other people with things...probably because somewhere along the way, someone was able to help me in a way that absolutely saved my life. Also, I honestly understand people pretty well. I'm a smart girl, but I'm not a genius. I hate doing math. But I understand things, and I'm able to make sense of things in a way that I don't think everyone can.
So, here is my list of things I'd like to do when/if the time ever comes that I don't have to work. A side note is that should I ever end up having children, that time will come. I'd want myself or my husband staying home with them at least until they went to school. Call me antiquated, but children are impressionable, and I want to be the one responsible for those impressions!
Anyway, the list:
1. Volunteer at an inpatient psych unit, probably with adolescents, as a counselor.
2. Volunteer at the Women's Shelter, again...probably as a counselor.
3. Go to grad school full time.
4. Learn how to surf. This would involve many trips to places like Waikiki or Fiji.
5. Travel...probably to Greece, England, Japan, and Australia to start.
6. Become a licensed pilot. I'm sure people would trust me to fly them places.
7. Teach swimming lessons more than once a week.
8. Try to break a world record, like for the longest game of Uno ever played or something.
9. Actually focus on auditioning for shows that I want to do...and then actually DOING them.
10. Learn how to speak French.
11. Finally finish the next great American novel. Prior to that, I should start writing the next great American novel.
12. Go skydiving. This is probably is going to happen soon whether or not I'm working.
13. Spend more time with people I should see more and don't...like my grandmother.
14. Volunteer with the Dove Campaign for Real Beauty.
15. Learn how to sail, and sail around the Virgin Islands for a bit. Not alone! That's a scary idea.
That's really all for now. I'm sure there are more, but that's a good start.
I love glow worms, by the way. Remember those? They were great!
I don't hate my job. In fact, I rather enjoy it on most days. I get to hang out with college students all day, I travel a lot, and I am almost never terribly overcome with job-related stress. I love my students, and the fact that on any given day about a dozen of them will sporatically stop in my office for any variety of reasons: relationship advice, academic counseling, non-academic counseling, or just a hug. I'm a great hugger.
That said, I really really wish I didn't have to work. Because I wouldn't. I wouldn't abstain from work in a Paris Hilton-esque kind of way. I just feel that if my time wasn't spent sitting in an office all day, I could really do many more valuable things. I'm becoming more and more sure in life that what I'm supposed to be doing is helping other people with things...probably because somewhere along the way, someone was able to help me in a way that absolutely saved my life. Also, I honestly understand people pretty well. I'm a smart girl, but I'm not a genius. I hate doing math. But I understand things, and I'm able to make sense of things in a way that I don't think everyone can.
So, here is my list of things I'd like to do when/if the time ever comes that I don't have to work. A side note is that should I ever end up having children, that time will come. I'd want myself or my husband staying home with them at least until they went to school. Call me antiquated, but children are impressionable, and I want to be the one responsible for those impressions!
Anyway, the list:
1. Volunteer at an inpatient psych unit, probably with adolescents, as a counselor.
2. Volunteer at the Women's Shelter, again...probably as a counselor.
3. Go to grad school full time.
4. Learn how to surf. This would involve many trips to places like Waikiki or Fiji.
5. Travel...probably to Greece, England, Japan, and Australia to start.
6. Become a licensed pilot. I'm sure people would trust me to fly them places.
7. Teach swimming lessons more than once a week.
8. Try to break a world record, like for the longest game of Uno ever played or something.
9. Actually focus on auditioning for shows that I want to do...and then actually DOING them.
10. Learn how to speak French.
11. Finally finish the next great American novel. Prior to that, I should start writing the next great American novel.
12. Go skydiving. This is probably is going to happen soon whether or not I'm working.
13. Spend more time with people I should see more and don't...like my grandmother.
14. Volunteer with the Dove Campaign for Real Beauty.
15. Learn how to sail, and sail around the Virgin Islands for a bit. Not alone! That's a scary idea.
That's really all for now. I'm sure there are more, but that's a good start.
I love glow worms, by the way. Remember those? They were great!
Monday, January 28, 2008
Sunshine
How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.
Each prayer accepted, each wish resigned.
~Alexander Pope
Backstory: yesterday I had a minor nervous breakdown. Nothing horrible, just one of those moments where I absolutely start to panic and freak out that I'm not doing anything good or important with my life, that I'm never going to figure out what it is that I'm supposed to be doing, and that I'll ultimately end up alone, poor, and living in a duplex with a subscription to Reader's Digest and stray cats. I don't want to be someone who freezes out of fear that they'll fail. Or someone who just settles. I'm fine now. I was talked down by a very smart person, and spent the rest of the evening snuggled in bed reading The Kite Runner. Good book.
Anyway, that, as I mentioned, is the backstory for what I want to say. The actual story, is it would happen, is much more related to the idea of being someone who is so ultraconscious of everything versus being someone who is blithely unaware of anything. I do consider myself to be a fairly intelligent person, and because of that I sometimes wonder if I just think harder or think more than people who perhaps have gifts that lie elsewhere. On one hand, I do really tend to worry about things a lot, I spend a lot of time going over and over things in my head...and I might find myself less stressed out and more content if I didn't think so much about things. But honestly, I think the people who don't think are in fact the ones that tend to settle. The ones who accept life as it's handed to them instead of working to learn new things, try new opportunities, meet new people, etc.
So I think that, above anything else, makes me feel ok about having semi nervous breakdowns now and then. They really aren't fun, they make me all sorts of upset...but at the same time, they remind me that I'm still thinking, still looking to see what all I can get out of life, and not someone who will ever accept a life that's anything less than blissful.
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.
Each prayer accepted, each wish resigned.
~Alexander Pope
Backstory: yesterday I had a minor nervous breakdown. Nothing horrible, just one of those moments where I absolutely start to panic and freak out that I'm not doing anything good or important with my life, that I'm never going to figure out what it is that I'm supposed to be doing, and that I'll ultimately end up alone, poor, and living in a duplex with a subscription to Reader's Digest and stray cats. I don't want to be someone who freezes out of fear that they'll fail. Or someone who just settles. I'm fine now. I was talked down by a very smart person, and spent the rest of the evening snuggled in bed reading The Kite Runner. Good book.
Anyway, that, as I mentioned, is the backstory for what I want to say. The actual story, is it would happen, is much more related to the idea of being someone who is so ultraconscious of everything versus being someone who is blithely unaware of anything. I do consider myself to be a fairly intelligent person, and because of that I sometimes wonder if I just think harder or think more than people who perhaps have gifts that lie elsewhere. On one hand, I do really tend to worry about things a lot, I spend a lot of time going over and over things in my head...and I might find myself less stressed out and more content if I didn't think so much about things. But honestly, I think the people who don't think are in fact the ones that tend to settle. The ones who accept life as it's handed to them instead of working to learn new things, try new opportunities, meet new people, etc.
So I think that, above anything else, makes me feel ok about having semi nervous breakdowns now and then. They really aren't fun, they make me all sorts of upset...but at the same time, they remind me that I'm still thinking, still looking to see what all I can get out of life, and not someone who will ever accept a life that's anything less than blissful.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Haphazard
I'm sure everyone has a strong desire to read about the daily happenings of my life. Honestly. I have a lot of interesting things to say, thoughts to think, and generally amusing observations to make. Well, I amuse myself at least, and really...that's pretty much the most important thing. The person you will spend the majority of your life with is yourself, so you owe it to yourself to become as interesting as possible, that's what I always say. Or at least, someone important said that at one time.
Anyway, I don't have anything terribly important to say...I just wanted to mention that the purpose of this blog is to sort of untangle the haphazard little thoughts that get caught up in my head...and also to help me remember things. I am great at remembering things like lines in a show, or converstations I have with people. However, I am highly scatterbrained here and there, and writing things down tends to help with that. It also helps me to stay more focused, and not get lost in my little net of daydreams!
Also, I like quotes. And I want a better place to keep track of things that people say or things that I read. This should work, right? What I do NOT intend to do is keep a lovely little diary in which I use many emoticons and abbreviations, gush about my hopes and dreams, and/or gossip about people in my life by giving them clever nicknames. If you're interested in that, please help yourself to the abundance of literature out there aimed for such purposes...I'm thinking the whole "Shopaholic" series I keep hearing about!
xoxo
Oh! A quote. I am so done being sick by the way. SO. DONE.
"At times the world may seem a sinister and unfriendly place, but believe us when we say that there is much more good in it than bad. All you have to do is look hard enough. And what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events may in fact be the first steps in a journey."
Anyway, I don't have anything terribly important to say...I just wanted to mention that the purpose of this blog is to sort of untangle the haphazard little thoughts that get caught up in my head...and also to help me remember things. I am great at remembering things like lines in a show, or converstations I have with people. However, I am highly scatterbrained here and there, and writing things down tends to help with that. It also helps me to stay more focused, and not get lost in my little net of daydreams!
Also, I like quotes. And I want a better place to keep track of things that people say or things that I read. This should work, right? What I do NOT intend to do is keep a lovely little diary in which I use many emoticons and abbreviations, gush about my hopes and dreams, and/or gossip about people in my life by giving them clever nicknames. If you're interested in that, please help yourself to the abundance of literature out there aimed for such purposes...I'm thinking the whole "Shopaholic" series I keep hearing about!
xoxo
Oh! A quote. I am so done being sick by the way. SO. DONE.
"At times the world may seem a sinister and unfriendly place, but believe us when we say that there is much more good in it than bad. All you have to do is look hard enough. And what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events may in fact be the first steps in a journey."
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